Tuesday, October 2, 2007

sitting in the sorrow

"Then Job's friends sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13)

It's hard to believe it's almost been a week since Copeland left us. We've moved back home... we're trying to settle into life as best as we can without her. It sounds strange, I'm sure, to some degree, the idea that there's much to adjust to in her absence, considering her time with us was so short. But I assure you: something happens when a breath is taken, a soul is present, even for a moment, and we are changed. Nothing will feel the same again. Her void will always be. Even in the grocery store, choosing foods for Sellers's lunchbox, I wondered: what would Copeland have liked to eat? What would she have been persistently "fussy" about? I long to know the silly details of my daughter's being that, had she lived, I'm sure I would have thought nothing about.

I sat at the top of the stairs this weekend, after Copeland's memorial, and felt a pressure on my chest I confess all the months prior to this hadn't handed me. The grief I feel now is different than the grief from back then; in fact, their separateness is so immense I find it hard to understand myself from a few months ago. I cannot connect them, despite the fact that they are, of course, inextricably linked. One spawned the other. Everything in my sense of space and time for now has the mark of Copeland on it: was she alive when such-and-such happened? Or had she not been yet born? When I heard that song last week on the radio, she was in my car... Yet how is that even possible? I know she was here and yet I find it difficult to believe. Her memory is almost ethereal, like a vapor or a mist. Not to sound cliche or supernatural. I, for one, don't believe we become floating spirits in heaven. The Bible seems to support the idea that we'll get new bodies. So I envision Copeland in the same precious little body she was in, tiny arms and pink cheeks, but healed and whole. No, it's just the thought of her that's ethereal, like a dream or even deja vu.

I find it's hard to preserve the sensation of her presence. All of her things are cluttered about the house. I can't put them away. It's not really because I'm sad, although, of course, I am. It's just that I fear in "cleaning up," organizing everything and tucking it all into neat little spaces that won't permit me to see them as consistently, I'll forget her. Everything in life beckons me to move forward, to step out into the sunlight and embrace the reality of her death as an event that not only occurred but that I knew was going to occur. And yet I can't.

Back to the stairs. When I sat there that afternoon, my husband was outside playing soccer in the front yard. At first I was mad: what does this mean, that he can play a stupid sport when our child is gone? I realized then, when the Lord spoke to my heart, that we'll grieve Copeland's loss in much the same way, but often at different junctures along the path. Sometimes grief looks like moving. Sometimes it looks like sitting still. Life requires both of us. Sanity requires both of us. For now, I, like Job, am sitting in my sorrow.

I've thought a lot about the Old Testament, how it describes the Israelites in times of suffering. They ripped their robes and rubbed ashes on their faces. It's a strange, graphic way to grieve, a way we don't totally embrace anymore. A friend told Conor and I about his trip to Africa once. He mentioned the death of an older woman, and how, amongst her people, there was great wailing. I thought of the Biblical phrase, "gnashing of teeth." I've read it a thousand times, but I suppose this would be the first season in my life that it feels relevant. The images are uncomfortable - ashes and ripped clothing and screaming aloud. And yet, from where I sit. there's a solace in them. The physical manifestation of a broken heart.

And so I sit. And it's extraordinarily difficult. I find a compulsive need to do something, to fix the pain - to rise above it, to hash it out, to move forward, move on, get some closure. The Lord knew that when He said, "Be still and know that I am God," we'd struggle with both commands - the being still and the knowing. When your baby daughter dies after eight days and there's nothing you can do to even touch her hand for a moment longer, the knowing He's God isn't necessarily the tough part. Being still is. Sitting in the sorrow means embracing all the emotions, all the incredibly painful stabs of disappointment and anger and frustration and agony that jab at the heart almost every single second of the day. Sitting in the sorrow means refusing to self-medicate. It means finally, finally, embracing the fact that He has created nothing that will give us as much joy and peace and fulfillment as Himself.

I've been to Target. I'll go again. I'll go to the mall and to the post office and I'll take Sellers to school and externally, my life will look nothing like the stillness I'm choosing in my soul. I don't know why I share all of this other than to tell you that there's freedom in it. Freedom in telling people you aren't doing great or that you can't make it for a night out on the town. Perhaps there's healing in the authenticity of the ashes.


The Goldens said...

Bless your sweet, sad soul. Hang on dearly to Jesus...He, after all, is our Comforter. I do not know you, but I am so sorry for you loss and all that you've endured. You are on my mind a lot...my prayers for you will continue.

Anonymous said...

You are so right. I have lost a child myself, and though all of us grieve in different ways, I feel similar heartache. Grief is a moving journey, and you will find that each day on that journey is different. During my darkest days someone shared something with me that I want to pass along to you. They told me, "lose yourself in the Psalms". I feel that it truly helps. Somehow I always seem to come across some passage in Psalms that reflects exactly what I'm feeling at that moment. Let the Lord speak to you and comfort you through His word. Thinking of you today-
Lisa Ward

Baby Leino said...

thank you for this post, boothe. your thoughts reflect the truth in my heart that i've struggled to say but have failed to find the words nor the strength to write them.

Becky said...

You need to keep blogging. Use it as your journal. Writing things down makes you feel so much less of a victim, no matter that situation. It helps you heal. I makes you talk.

It's healthy. And it's right. You don't have to do it on a blog of course. You can do it in a notebook. But this way, you might help someone else.

And that kind of healing is a full circle.

Bless you all as you journey through unchartered waters. We are still praying for you.

Laura said...

I could have written so many of your words just 15 months ago. Keep being real with yourself. Press into the pain....snuggle up into the hem of His garment. I think of you so often and will continue to pray.

rebekah (anderson) wright said...

thank you for continuing to share. we have been praying for you guys daily. each time i wake up in the night, i am compelled to pray for you.

Tamm said...

My heart and prayers go out to you. Copeland is so beautiful and what an impact she made on so many lives during her 8 days here before she went home. Your family has captured my heart. Thank you for sharing your precious daughter with all of us. With love, hope, prayers for strength, comfort, and peace. God Bless

Emily said...

Amen. Amen to all of it.

Anonymous said...

I after loosing a child I can relate. We all grieve in such different way. I liked to sit in the dark and cuddle myself. However, just this past year someone told me to read 90 Minutes in Heaven. This book spoke to me greatly and answered so many questions. The homecoming was wonderful. Remember God is the light in the darkness of the world.

Christy said...

I pray that you find freedom to grieve however you see fit. I also pray that you will find comfort in the 'normal stuff' of life. You have tocuched so many and none of us will ever be the same...

B-Mama said...

Crying and praying by your side as you sit on the stairs... May God wrap His mighty arms around you and just hold you.

lindsay said...

Boothe, thank you for not pretending to be "ok" but thank you for trusting that the Lord will get you to that point one day!

Robin said...

I'm so sorry for your great loss. I will just pray that God will be your strength as you walk this difficult journey. I admire your deep faith. Being sad and even angry doesn't mean you have less faith - it just means you are a parent who has suffered the greatest loss of all. God understands such a loss.

Anonymous said...

I can imagine that I would be in the exact same place you are in if I had lost something so precious. Your heart is heavy and aches for that person that was, and always will be, a part of you. I don't know if this thought will help you at all, but I wanted to share with you what my 7 year old daughter said to me Sunday night as we said our nightly prayers for Copeland. She has watched the video from the memorial multiple times. She finds it hard to let go of Copeland as well. She has prayed for her every night for so long that she feels so connected to her. Sunday night after her prayers she said, "You know Mommy, after watching that video I thought of something. Copeland is up in heaven and she can run now." I hope you can picture your precious Copeland up in heaven running into our Savior's arms. You will always miss her and always think of her. Hopefully as time passes you will be able to picture her in heaven running to Jesus.

Anonymous said...

you inspire me so much, thats all I can say right now!

Laurie said...

It is okay to not be okay right now or anytime in the near future. Your heart is broken and missing the breath of life you held in your arms not long ago. It does not mean your faith is weak or that God is not near, you just need to sit at the top of the stairs for a while until you can catch your breath. He has gently gathered up every shattered piece of your heart and with His grace and love, will help you to put it back together, just a little different with a love shaped scar named Copeland Fair. Your feelings are real and your pain is deeper than we can ever know. I know you know who your God is, I am asking him to surround you with His comfort as you do your best to be still. Praying continually for you as long as you need it along with so many others. You and Conor and Sellers draw close in Jesus, letting nothing but love come between you.

Laurie in Ca.

Melissa Platt said...

thank you for sharing your heart.

i have been praying specifically that you might feel the freedom to be exactly what you need to be. to not feel the pressure to act or feel a cetain way. that you can rest in knowing that it is 'ok' to no be 'ok'.

i continue to think of you very often. the words 'your days here changed everything' are continually playing in my mind and it makes my heart ache but reminds me to pray for the three of you to cling to each other and cling to your Savior as you grieve.

love to you all!

Marie Lanathoua said...

please know she is your angel in heaven smiling down at her mommy that loves her so. When you feel the whisper of wind on your cheek Boothe, know that they are kisses from sweet Copeland.....
Your an inspiration to us all Boothe, we are here to support you, your friends are all over the world, praying for you!

Mandy said...

I have felt the exact same way. We just want to "fix" it and make the pain bearable, but as you said, it is in the letting go and just "sitting" that we are most comforted. I am praying for you and Conor and Sellers too. I know how hard each minute is and all the thoughts that invade your mind. You are so right about relating everything to Copeland. I still do the same thing. I guess it is a way that gives our children validity. Know I am here for you if you need me. I am glad we finally got to talk the other day. Praying.....


Elizabeth S said...

It is so good to hear from you. I have watched the video probably 1,000 times, just to remind me of what God taught me through Copeland and you. I will pray for protection on your marriage; that you understand each other as you each grieve in your own way. And I pray for sweet Sellers, that she will bring you both comfort like no one else could. And that you can comfort her like no one else could. Though we've never met, I love you both and you will be in my prayers as long as you need them. I don't live far, so if you need anything, I'm here.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you all. I pray that you can hear each other grieve in your own, different ways. I pray that Sellers may bring light to the darkest days, and for you to give yourself grace when you don't feel up to being 'up'. Jennifer (Osborn)Vanorman shared today at church that same verse about Job, talking about when she lost her husband. She said that the best support she got was from her close friends who would just 'be' with her. I pray that you feel surrounded by people who want to listen and just sit in the silence with you. I'm so sorry for your grief. Copeland will never never be let go. She has a special place in your family. I'm praying and aching for you.

Ruth said...

Keep being real. Keep feeling your feelings. And keep being still and knowing that God is there. Your words are wisdom!!

Nathan Luce said...

Boothe and family,

In sorrow or in happiness, in want or in plenty, in life or in death, how great it is to know that we are eternally and inseparably linked to the love of the Father. He will continue to bless you mightily.

Angie and I love you.

Jill said...

I can understand the ashes and the need and want to be real. But just remember... He gives beauty for ashes. Praying for you Boothe and your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, I just wanted to share with you that 8+ years ago I had a broken heart too. I found this little plaque and on it were two children. This is what it says, "Dear God, I think my heart's in too many pieces for you to fix." One child said it, one child was hugging her. I want to promise you that He can fix it, but it takes a long time. In the meantime, just rest in His love for you. And know that your heart will always have a relection of Copeland in it.

And that's ok. :-)

jtcosby said...

I remember someone telling me if you can't find the words to tell God, to allow the Holy Spirit to wail for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through...I do believe Copeland is having a ball in Heaven. I also know I do not want to go on with my life and forget Copeland. I'm not sure if this makes sense but when you are not directly linked with the situation, it is easy to go on about your life and know there are suffering people but forgetting to remember them...I will not do that with your family. I have been eternally changed by your experience and for that I thank God. He used Copeland on so many levels and I for one, will never forget that. I pray you are able to express your feelings as openly and honestly as you can without being inhibited by anything or anyone. You are loved.

Anonymous said...

Praying still and will continue to do so.

Anna said...

I am praying for you and your family. The Lord has laid you on my heart for the past 5 days. Know that you and your family are saturated in prayer. The Lord is faithful and will carry you through.
Much love,

Lyric said...

I find healing in expressing the sorrow. Words don't erase the grief but they helped me manage it, understand it and quite honestly learn to sit with it...to let it have its work inside me.

There's no rushing to "embrace" the loss but it certainly grabs hold without permission. The more I ran from it, tried to keep myself busy and distant from it, the more intense and desperate I felt. "Time" doesn't heal but it does give us the space we need to take the journey in the unknown, a journey no one willingly embraces.

I lost my fourth child at 6 months and from that moment on I found my life was defined in so many ways by "before Alexa" and "after Alexa".

There are no words to ease your pain. I will continue to pray because I know that the presence of Emmanuel is often the only thing that makes any sense, brings any comfort.

Thank you for your openness and honesty. It's a testimony to all who come here.

Jessica said...

I wish blogging had been around when I lost our daughter. I love being able to let out some of life's pain. Keep sharing, and keep feeling. And most importantly, keep near to the Lord. He will get you through this. The feeling of wanting to self-medicate can be overwhelming, and all-consuming at times. Stay in God's arms now


Erin said...

I wish I could take just a little of the pain from you and take it upon myself. I know that very few people who read this blog can actually relate to how you are feeling and have gone through something similar, but we all hurt for you. We think about you and Conor every day and feel for you, and pray for you. And I miss you guys. I wish I could have been there.

Brooke said...

Dear Boothe,

Even though I don't know you personally, I feel connected as part of the family of God. I have been lifting your precious family up in prayer. Thank you for sharing your time with Copeland. I am so sorry for your loss. May you feel the Masters loving arms holding you in the days to come.

Jenny said...

I had actually thought of that verse before hand, only in a different light. I have nothing to say of my own words that could bring comfort to you. Not only do I not know you personally, but neither do I personally know your grief. So, were I there, and we did know each other, I would probably just sit. Sometimes, just being there can help. *shrug* Another of my favourite verses sprang to mind as I read your post, dear Boothe. Exodus 14:14... "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". I hope that helps, dear heart. God will fight this grief and intermingling feelings for you. Just be still and allow him to, just as you are doing.

Ongoing prayers and love for you all.

Anonymous said...

Men do grieve so very differently than women. Conor probably needed that outlet in playing soccer. Years ago, not in a physical death, but a deep rebellion in a child.....where I thought that sometimes physical death might be easier than this child keep on rebelling, I saw how different my husband and I hurt. I thought he didn't even care about our 18 yr. old. Oh, how wrong I was!
All anyone else can do is share what they've done, encourage you, listen to you. Close friends who lost their oldest child (of 4) grieved, yet, they vocalized that they had to choose to be there for the other children and help them know how to handle the death of their sibling.
Life will move on. It's like you have to learn to walk all over again. So, take that one step at a time. When you fall, may someone be there to hold you up and help you plant your face in the right direction.....to Scripture & the face of the Lord.

You all are remembered

Rebecca said...


We love you.


Jenna said...

Continuing to pray for you and yours.

Love, Jenna

Robin said...


My heart cries out to you. You are so precious to share your hearts cry with us. I bring you before the Lord many times during the day. I know the pain will be great but I know his grace and love with fill your soul with such beautiful times with Copeland. What a blessed child to have you love her for a short time. You have made me so aware of what little time we have and not to waste a moment . You are an inspiration. Hang in there ,sister in Christ. We are lifting you high on the throne .
Robin Brookshire, Dothan, Al.

Anonymous said...

Just to a word to say that you and your family are consistently in my prayers. Prayers for peace while you are still.

Jess said...

I agree with you sit, be still as hard as it is do it, adn do it now. When I was going through the hardest time in my life, I kept doing,fixing,going, and all it did was pro long the pain. We have to experience the pain so that we can being the healing process. If we try to move on to quickly we will miss a part of the journey. Be still, know that he is your protector and comfort. He will let you know when it's time to move. I will be praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Your faith and your honesty is unbelievable. The Lord has you and your family on my heart every hour of every day. I know the loss of an unborn baby...and you are exactly right to feel the pain. Continue to let it out and it will help. Do not expect to be "fine" for a while. Love your husband, love sweet Sellers, and most importantly, rely on Jesus every minute...but do not deny yourself the pain.
Sara (Ross) Foster

Susiewearsthepants said...

I don't know you but I have been praying for your family since I found your blog. I don't have any words of wisdom as I have not experienced this type of pain. Know that Copeland will never be forgotten. I will continue to pray for the healing of your family.

PTS said...

Boothe, you are an amazing writer, and I hope you continue. Your words have touched me, 11 years after losing my girl, like no other words I have heard. There is nothing like hearing it from someone who as been there. Thank you so much for being real, and letting us know that you are not okay. That is truth...I hid my pain and pretended I was fine, and paid dearly for it. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, and your pain with us. I'm praying so hard for you, and pleading with God to draw near to you, and hold you in His arms and comfort you. Copeland Fair has touched my heart almost as much as Madison Elisabeth did. Love to you all...

Kathy (www.xanga.com/kamps624)

Fran said...

Yes...hang onto our sweet Savior.
He has ultimately saved us and will save us again and again from daily struggles in life. I pray that you turn to Him and rest on Him. You have touched so many of us strangers....but we are connected through Jesus and we are here for you in prayer.

In His Love,

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Boothe,

I wish somehow the Holy Spirit would guide me to write magical words that would/could make you feel better. However, as of right now that is not happening. I so wish I knew you personally so that I could sit there and hold you. To let you be angry and all the other emotions that you must be feeling. Thank you for trusting your "blog" family with your open and honest feelings.

Please know that I continue to pray for you, and for Conor and Sellers as well. I pray that you will continue to feel the arms of our God wrapped around and the comfort that gives, even when we don't think it is there or feel it.

With much love from KY

the brown's said...

your authenticity is powerful...amazing! thank you for that gift. we are still thinking and praying for ya'll constantly...love you, N.T. and D.

Anonymous said...

May His peace that passes all understanding be with you and your family during this time. We are praying for you!

Daniel and Carla Breland

Amanda M. said...

Bless you. My first daughter was stillborn at 27 weeks and I found it so hard to move, to go to the grocery store, to just do all those normal things in those first few grieving days and even months. But we do heal, but only with faith, or at least that's how it is for me. I don't know what to say to you except cling to God. He'll always be there. Meanwhile, so many are praying for you.
Amanda M. in WI

k.murphy said...

thank you for writing...thank you for sharing...I'm on my knees now for you and your family...knowing that He will use you in others' lives thru your TRUST in our Lord.

Anonymous said...

I think about your family so much and pray for all of you. I'm so glad you continue to blog as we all feel so connected to your family. Your honesty is wonderful and I will continue to pray for you. Know you are loved and prayed for by many. Copeland will never be forgotten. She has so touched our lives.

Heather Raven said...

We lost a baby at only 7 weeks into the pregnancy, and that was hard enough. All of us Mother's who have "been there" know exactly what you are going through. It's been almost 8 years and even though I never got to hold her I still grieve a little bit on that day. She was a part of me no matter how long she was inside of me. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You're going to the right Person for help. God is good and He will see you all through this.
Your sister in Christ,

Amanda said...

and we're praying for all of you

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The death of a child has got to be the most unnatural experience there is. It defies the natural life cycle and goes against our basic human instincts. I hope that you take comfort in knowing that regardless of what your outside shows, Christ knows our inside and He will provide you with what you need, exactly when you need it. I ache for you and with you.

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Your thoughts on Job reminded me of this interview on Job and suffering with an Old Testament scholar whose 6 year old son was killed in an accident. Perhaps you might find some comfort or kinship in hearing his words. This link takes you to the page, then listen to J.J. M Roberts on Job and the Problem of Suffering. http://www.ptsem.edu/iym/cow/vol3/index.php
May God give you strength and peace in this time of immense grief.

Paula said...


Sharing your thoughts with us is helping you to process through your pain, so continue to do what you need to nurture your spirit, whether it be drawing pictures of Copeland, writing poems or songs about her, making a collage of all the photos you took, writing down each word you feel to describe her...all these are part of helping you on this journey of grief. I pray that God will show you the path and you will feel His presence all the way.

He is there to carry you whenever that need arises.

The Lenda's said...

My heart aches for you and your empty arms as you miss holding your dear baby. I have lost 5 babies through miscarriages but can only imagine a little of what you are feeling. I am praying for you and your family and thankful for your openness and grief.

My husband and I enjoyed watchingthe video of sweet Copeland being so well loved on by her family and the amazing lyrics to the song.

My husband wondered if their is anyway we can get an audio version of the song. One of his coworkers recently lost her premature daughter and he feels she would appreciate hearing this song. I would just forward the video link to her but am not sure the timing is right for her to view Copeland's video as her wound is also very fresh.

You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. This is only the beginning glimpse of how God id using Copeland's life.

My email is RachelLenda@comcast.net

pam said...

Dear Boothe~So glad to hear from you today, I have been wondering about you. Keep sharing you thoughts with us, we love and care about you and are here for you.

Carly (NICU Nurse) said...

It is so true that we all grieve differently. We will pray for understanding of that process. Cling tight to one another and share your feelings. We love you all dearly.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
~2 Corinthians 1:3-5

JMom said...

Bless you! Continuing to pray for you.

The Sinks said...

Boothe, I came across your blog in a very random, but God way. I do not know you at all, or even anyone that knows you (at least, I don't think). But I know God led me to your webpage for a reason. As I have read through your entries and the tremendous struggle that God is bringing you through, I am amazed at how God is glorifying Himself through you. Thank you for your vulnerability, but mostly thank you for honoring Him. I am praying for you and your family.

Darby Stickler said...

Boothe, I'm so glad you are able to keep this up. I think of you so often and wonder what life must be like for you these days. I'm so thankful for your authenticity with us. I feel it better equips us to pray for you. I was in the car the other day and the Glory Revealed song "By His Wounds" came on and I began to cry and sing to myself that "by His wounds, by His wounds she(Copeland) is healed". It was as if I knew she was healed and whole but as a mother I still wanted her here for you. I wanted you to be able to hold her and kiss on her. It was like a war between the Spirit and the flesh. Like you, I'm comforted in knowing she is healed, but I ache inside that her tiny body is not here for you to hold. I watched the precious video one time and I have to admit I can't bring myself to watch it again, the truth is I don't want to hurt the way it makes me hurt. When I pray, I'm reminded that this pain that I want to avoid is your life now. And it makes me want to go to Jesus and cry out on your behalf for His mercy, His love, His compassion, and His peace. I pray these for you Boothe & Conor.

Anonymous said...

I can't stay away from your blog if only just to check on you and know how to pray. Even being just an onlooker of this whole event has made me get real with God like never before. I am still having such a hard time understanding all He does but that is ok. Thanks for sharing your heart..I know it is god for you. LOVE LOVE you so much and continually lifting you up...


Lauren said...

I want to encourage you that Copeland's life is being remembered. I was leading worship yesterday after I had a rough morning involving many "frustrations". I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment and as I was singing Agnus Dei "Holy, Holy, Holy, are you Lord God Almighty. Worthy is the Lamb, worthy is the lamb. Amen." I thought about Copeland singing those very words to Jesus. It allowed me to worship in truth.
Her light is with us....

Courtney said...

It is so true that there is healing in authenticity, in honesty, in feeling everything and expressing it even if it looks outwardly like gnashing of teeth and sitting in ashes. He knows what you're feeling already, and I just pray that He'll continue to allow you to go all the places emotionally that you need to go. Praying that you and Conor will find comfort in one another even as you grieve differently and that Jesus would be all those things to you that not even a loving husband could be. Our God is faithful to a thousand generations, and He will be faithful to you, Boothe.
With love and prayers,

Aimee said...


I just wanted to let you know how much you have blessed my life. I have never even met you, but through your blog I have learned to love my family and God even more. Thank you for your words, as I know they have to be so hard to write. You are in our prayers.

Aimee Smith www.zanechristopher.blogspot.com

Jeni Allen said...

All I can say is that I'm praying for you and your family...Copeland doesn't need our prayers anymore, as everything is perfect for her. Your story has touched me and changed me.

shannon J said...

Sweet Boothie, I don't have anything brilliantly insightful to say because I am at a loss of words.. I do know that it will ease with time and it will become less sharp than it is today.....you will most certainly never forget your baby. I am so proud of you and if you need a friend to sit in the ashes with you, please call.. I am so close.

Love You
Shannon J

Jes said...

Each of us morn in a different way, it's ok. There is nothing that will magically make it better or take away the pain. I can't imagine losing a child, I lost my father in high school and I still have days where it hurts. I think admitting you are not okay is the first step of healing. All of these prayers will not return void, we are praying for you.
Just keep being real. Don't keep it inside and pretend everything is fine. Those memories of Copeland will be with you forever. you will not forget her, none of us will.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, I have so worried about you. I didn't want you to walk this road, I wanted her with you. I lost my Dad when I was a young teen and I know its not the same but I hate loss of any kind. I wanted to still smell him, I didn't want my mom to be without him, I wanted to hear him laugh and talk...Most of all I didn't want to forget. How did his eyes crinkle? What shade of hazel where they? What was Christmas like with him here? Who will walk me down the aisle? Now I am grown but I still want someone to talk about him, just to remember. I fully understand not putting her things away. I'm a mom now and I just ache for when you said goodbye for the last time. I am also a Christian. I know God is real, I know you did'nt really say goodbye just wait awhile. But, our human hearts can't fathom heaven or what really is eternity?? It burns in your chest..the missing, the what ifs? Satan will try to use all this and the next thing he will go after is your marriage. I'm praying for you both to grow closer than ever. That God will fill your heart were your husband can't and that God will bring others into your life to walk beside you. I know this one thing that I cling to in grief...We are human and God says we can't comprehend what He has prepared for us. Life sure does fly by and I am so excited to see my Dad again. I feel deep in my soul that we are being tricked into thinking it is such a long time till then. In heaven we will never be separated again...How amazing..How beautiful...I recently have really begun to focus on that...It really hits home. We have hope and an amazing future with our families. Praying for you at every thought Boothe! Colleen In OHIO

Missy said...

Thank you Boothe. God bless you, Conor and Sellers. We continue to think of you and pray for you often.

Sue said...

I'm praying in St. Louis for you and Conor and Sellers.

Sun said...

oh this is so beautiful - sad - but your heart is so beautiful. I have no words - no wisdom - I have found myself thinking about you all and wondering how you were doing - so I thought I would leave a comment to let you know that my family is still and will continue praying for yours and that we care. I wish there was something more that I could say - I am so very sorry you all are walking through this - but think that you are such a blessing through the pain and tears! Sunshine

Ann V.@HolyExperience said...

When grief is the greatest, words should be the least.

So... no words.
But I will sit here in the ashes with you.

And hold your hand....

All's grace,

Kelly in Carrollton, GA said...

Dear one, my heart aches for you. I want you to know that I hear you. It does matter. I remember my own season of grief, to the very marrow, and I can tell you that on this side of the pain there is a relationship with the Father that is so infinitely different than before.....I have a reverence for Him that comes from pain. I am in awe of Him, of His sovereignty, of His ability to sustain us till we can say, "though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him." (Job 13:15) Yes. I did not think I could bear to keep breathing, and yet breathe I did. As will you. He IS good, and all His ways are good.

I am so sorry for the hurting. You, Conor, and Sellers are being covered in prayer. You are loved, sweet sister. Kelly

Anonymous said...

I am so sad for you for your loss...at the same time I am praising God for your relationship with our Savior, who will sustain you.

I know that precious Copeland is with Jesus...but, it is for her hurting family that I now pray.

So many lives are being touched by your eloquent words as you pour out your pain.

May the strong arms of Jesus continue to hold you up.

Trisha said...

I know you don't know me, but I couldn't help at least telling you that I am sitting here praying for you...I wish I had the words to tell you how to grieve or what to do, but all I can say is we are sisters in God and I always feel we should be there for each other as christians! Even though we don't know each other, you will be in my heart.

Anonymous said...

I am moved by your words, your strength, your wisdom.

Take it one day at a time.

Steph said...

I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sitting on the ground with you....however long you need.

whitney burrough akin said...

i am not going to pretend to know the extent of your kind of grief, but praise Him for "being acquainted with grief". so many are still being affected and turning their gaze heavenward b/c of you and the words of your authentic faith--so, don't pretend anything; i think that b/c you haven't rested on platitudes, but have been so bold with your thoughts and words, that all christians and even the churched onlookers have been forced to wrestle with their own authenticity ot lack there-of.

so, i pray that you will continue to take comfort in the fact that He never wastes our grief, and that He will continue to reveal Himself to you at each step of this process.

Amy Carmichael says, "Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given. A thing that is lent may be taken away; a thing that is given is not taken away. Joy is given; sorrow is lent. We are not our own, we are bought with a price. And our sorrow is not our own; it is lent to us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away, and everlasting joy will be out Father's gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all tears from off all faces."

love you so much, dear friend. continuing to lift all of you up all the time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Boothe,
I have never heard grief described so beautifully and truthfully.

I have been following your blog and I only hope that if God were to give me even a shred of the heartache He has given you, I would be able to respond in the same way and cling to Him as you are. You have challenged my faith immensely and have made my life better by reminding me what is important in this life.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am proud to know you, even from a distance, for you are the kind of woman I aspire to be.

Love in Christ,
Kelly Rogers

Gigi said...

We had to leave 4 Honduran boys in Honduras when we returned. They have a place in our hearts and souls as sons. So the last year has been grief. I, too, asked "who will sit in the ashes with me?" Some have. Some have not. I have never been angrier and never wanted heaven more. To this I will testify: I have found Him faithful. I have found Him good. Be of good courage, my friend. Your grief is beautiful to Him and honors Copeland.

Anonymous said...

I know I speak for hundreds, if not thousands, we are still here even if we don't make ourselves known; we're still in the sorrow, even if we can't share it together; we're still thinking of you, Conor, Sellers and Copeland, even if you don't hear of it, see it or feel our emotions.

Please, I beg of you to continue to share your story. Your words are life to those who are watching and in some cases, experiencing a portion of your sorrows.

Write on...

A Place For Ministry Wives said...

I'll offer no words. Instead, I'll just sit with you.

JUST A MOM said...

OH SWEETIE,, hang on to the lords hand and know that you are NOT ALONE... we are all here to hear your hurt,, We are here to listen to your pain when it is so hard to let it out your mouth. God bless you ((HUGS))

Jeannine said...

We so not know each other and more than likely never will, but I want to say how inspiring you all are. Often when we hear that someone is inspiring we think the inspiration is because of their great strength, and while of course you have clearly demonstated strength it is not why I find you inspiring. I find you inspire me because of your great honesty through every step you have taken on this journey. To be true to your feelings is the only way God can offer any comfort and oh how deserving you all are for His loving embrace. There is so much that could be said, but for now just allow yourself to continue to be human God will handle the rest.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your whole journey with all of us. I appreciate your authenticity. You and your family continue to be lifted up in prayer-- never hesitate to tell us how you need prayer.
You are a beautiful writer-- your words give us a glimpse of your heart and your life.

Anonymous said...

Every time I read your words, I am amazed at how beautifully and eloquently you can express yourself. I can offer no other encouragement than what you've heard before. So, I'll just reiterate; cling to the scriptures, never cease in praying that the Lord will reveal new truths to you each morning and that He will continue to heal you and your family and bring you closer to Him through this incredibly trying time.

Anonymous said...

So many people will never begin to understand what you're going through. But, from reading your blog I can say that you will never forget her. You will always love her, you will always miss her- and God will always be holding you in the palm of his hand. How He sent His only Son to earth, knowing it was to die- as a mother we will never know. Or, as Mary had to watch her son hang on the cross and do nothing- we will never know how she didn't climb up & demand for them to crucify her in His place. Copeland is whole and strong and healthy and happy where she is now- and I know you know that. I just truly believe that, even though He knew what would happen & that He would call Copeland to His side- He knew you'd be heartbroken and need you to simply rest in His arms. The same arms that are holding you right now are holding your baby girl. We will continue to pray for you, and that each day you will get a little more sleep, and a little stronger. Simply because you do these things- doesn't mean you're moving on, doesn't mean you're forgetting her. It just means that you're recognizing that your life must go on, as Copeland's has where she is now whole. I don't even know you, but I love you so much.

Alison said...

Indeed precious Boothe, there is!

Fantastic Four said...

You do not know me, I started reading your Blog about 3 days after Copeland was born. I cannot even imagine what you are going through; however, your words help us all! Sometimes writing and speaking helps and I can assure you that we all LOVE reading your Blog. It really puts life in perspective and makes us all think! Your words are so precious and from your heart! God bless you Boothe!! Traci MN

Room for Grace said...

Reading your words stir up many emotions for me, and I, like so many, wish I could just make it all better for you. But, you have experienced a great loss and that is not possible. I love the title you gave this post, so appropriate.

Remember that anger is a part of grief, so don't be shocked by it when it comes, I know I have been shocked by my own. I've had 2 big losses and each time, I tended to focus my anger on on 1 person, who each said something that was inappropriate & hurtful. It's been many years, but from time to time, I still have to reforgive them when I realize what's in my heart. I wish I would've been more direct with them at the time, like you said at the end of your post.
I pray that God would pour out His gently mercy and blessings on your sweet family as you walk through your grief, one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

12 Freedoms of Healing In Grief
embracinggrief.ca - Healing in grief - Support workshop for grief and groups

You have the freedom to realize that your grief is unique

* No one grieves exactly as you do.

* Don't compare your experience with that of other people.

* Don't make assumptions about how long your grief will last.

* Take a "day-at-a-time" approach that lets you grieve at your own pace.

You have the freedom to talk about your grief

* Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often
makes you feel better.

* Avoid persons who are critical of you.

* Find people who will walk with you on your journey.

* You have the right to express your grief. No one has the right to
take it away.

You have the freedom to expect to feel a multitude of emotions

* Experiencing loss affects your head, your heart, and your spirit.

* You may experience confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, or other
explosive emotions; this is normal. Allow yourself to learn from these
emotions. Find someone who understands these feelings and who will allow
you to talk about them.

You have the freedom to allow for numbness

* Feeling numb is part of the early grief experience.

* This feeling is necessary because it helps to create insulation from
the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you do not
want to believe.

* It gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told

You have the freedom to accept your physical and emotional limits

* Your feelings of loss and sadness will leave you fatigued.

* Your ability to think clearly and make decisions will be reduced.

* Nurture yourself.

* Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means
you are using survival skills.

You have the freedom to experience grief attacks

* Sometimes out of nowhere, you will experience attacks of grief. This
can be frightening, overwhelming, or even embarrassing.

* These attacks of "memory embraces" are normal.

* Find someone who understands and talk it out with them.

You have the freedom to develop a support system

* The most loving action you can take at this time is to find a support
system of caring people who will understand your needs, encourage you to be
yourself, and acknowledge your feelings.

You have the freedom to make use of rituals

* Rituals are specifically-designed actions that have deep meaning and
significance to the person doing them.

* Rituals can be as simple as lighting a candle or thinking a special

* Designing and performing a ritual helps you to express your grief
outside of yourself and helps you to experience a transformation of your
relationship to your loved one.

You have the freedom to embrace your spirituality

* If faith is a part of your belief, express it.

* If you are angry at God because of what has happened, express it.

* Find people who won't be critical of your expressions of anger and
abandonment, but who will understand and support your expressions of your

You have the freedom to allow a search for meaning

* You may ask "why?".

* This search for meaning is normal.

* The healing comes not in finding answers but in the actual posing of
the questions.

* Find someone who will listen supportively while you search for

You have the freedom to treasure your memories

* Memories are one of the best legacies given us after someone we love

* We need to treasure them and share them.

* Whether they make us laugh or cry, memories are a lasting part of the
relationship that we had with that very special person.

You have the freedom to move toward your grief and heal

* The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve.

* You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief.

* Reconciling your grief won't happen quickly. Grief is a process - not
an event.

* Be patient and tolerant with yourself.

* When someone we love dies, we are changed forever. Not that we will
never be happy again; it's just that we are not exactly the same as were


Adapted by KEN PENROSE AND ASSOCIATES from: WOFELT, Alan. Understanding
Your Grief.

He who calls you is faithful. He will bring it to pass.

Donna said...

Thank you for being so real! You are a beautiful display of God's grace and love - in the way you prepared for Copeland's birth, in the way you love her sister, in the way you loved her while she was in your arms, in the way you wrestled with the surrender of her life, in the way you shared your heart along the journey and now as you grieve this very real loss. As I read this post, I thought 'how profound!' Then it hit me, your depth is an expression of God's power at work in the deepest, most painful moments of this human journey. It is very courageous of you to allow us to witness that power firsthand. What an inspiration you are to all of us to be authentic and allow the power of God to ooze out of our life. I started reading your blog soon after Copeland's birth. So many times I have been touched by God's heart demonstrated by you, Conor, and Sellers. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers!

Grateful Always said...

Everyday will get better in different ways... God will be with you and be able to really minister to you right now. He loves you so much but it's obvious you already know this. You already have such a ministry with this blog that your words are touching people from all over from different situations. Though I lost twins very early on and never got to hold them or see them, I can understand a very small part of your pain and can see how God has done so much work within me during the times of such overwhelming sadness. Praying for you and your family... may God continually watch over, bless, and keep you very close to Him.

Anonymous said...

We lost our Olivia two years ago. She was also diagnosed with trisomy 18 in my 30th week of pregnancy, though we knew of complications ten weeks before the diagnosis. She went home to her Creator and our Lord at 39 weeks gestation. I will treasure the three dimensional ultrasound we had that showed her moving and looking so much like our other five children! And I will always treasure the nine months of life with her that we had, that we didn't expect, that God gave as a gift.

I grieve with you.

erin said...

amazing words booth, you are very well spoken, thank you for being transparent and sharing this with us. i hope you know that everyone here loves you and is walking with you although most of us will never meet you. you and your family are precious to me...thank you

Ann Cartee said...

What an awesome testimony of your faith in the One who is Faithful and True! Hang in there-He will never leave you or forsake you - and He understands your pain - He lost His child, too.
Ann Cartee

Ashley said...


Thank you for your kind words. I was so touched to see your name in our list of comments this morning. I have been praying for you and your precious family since learning of beautiful Copeland's birth. My husband and I sat and cried together as we watched her memorial video. You are truly blessed to have been given this child. My heart aches over your loss and I oh how I wish she was here so you could hold her again. I'm thinking of you and loving on you from afar. Trish Adams(Ashley's mommmy)

Kate said...

Your honesty and openness constantly amazes me. I hope this blog is helping you work through all of your feelings and I hope you realize how God is using you to impact others lives, like mine. You are a blessing to me, although I do wish that that didn't cause you to suffer.
Praying for you and your family as you sit through this.

kristin and matt said...

boothe, continued thanks for being so authentic with all of us. we are constantly on our knees for you, and won't forget your sweet family and precious copeland fair.
kristin (etter) horlings

Heather said...

Praying for you and your sweet family. The Lord is close to the broken hearted.

bernitasheets1955 said...

Conor and Boothe, In the recent loss of our son someone told us to accept everything as a gift. He said that people will say the wrong thing or nothing at all. Or they will see you and turn and walk the other way because they don't know what to say. So I pass along to you. "Accept everything as a gift." Even the platitudes.

Boothe you have been given the gift of writing. Don't stop. The things you are saying are the things in my heart that I can't express.
Also be prepared for the isolation of grief. Especially for the ones who are closest to you. Because you grieve differently you will quite often be in despair when others seem outwardly to be doing great.

Laurie said...

Beginning a new day with you and your family in my prayers asking God to comfort you right where you are. There was no way to prepare for this time but know that the Lord who heard your commitment to love and cherish this gift of Copeland is the same Lord who is walking right beside you on this new and painful path. He will never leave you nor allow the memory of Copeland to fade. It may be blurred by your tears during this time, but I trust that you will see clearly that she is close in your heart forever. Praying for Sellers little heart to be protected as she feels the changes going on around her, that she feel safe and loved and secure.
God Bless you all today and all the days to come. Be gentle with each other.

Laurie in Ca.

seedling said...

Your words are absolutely beautiful. May God surround you with comfort as you sit in your stillness.

Mandy said...

My cousin and I were pregnant with our first children and due one week apart. At 35 weeks, she lost her son because the umbilical cord became detached. It is now 10 years later, and we all still remember that child. On his birthday, my 10 year old asks to visit his grave to put out flowers. It is our way of remembering. There are still moments of grieving even now.
You will always remember your sweet Copeland, and feel sadness from the loss. Those moments will be overshadowed from the great things God has and will continue to do in your life. Keep praising God. Have you heard "Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns? It probably describes your feelings pretty closely. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I continue to lift you and your family up in prayer. We are all sitting here with you..... KM

Anonymous said...


Thank you so being so open in your grief. Grief is a natural process and so I encourage you to mourn your loss and let the Lord come comfort you. Know that I am thinking of you.... often I wake in the morning with you on my mind. I love you.

Melanie Neilson

Anonymous said...

We all grieve in different ways. Some of us, myself included, need some distance to cope. When I lost my own precious one, I needed to be alone in my grief. A lot of people don't understand this and want to share everything out loud and in the open. Not me.
Do whatever you need to heal. Remember others are there if you need them, but the Lord is ALWAYS there. Cling to his promise of Love!
Continued Prayers for you and your precious family. You are in our thoughts daily.

Amy Buchanan said...

Boothe and Conor,
Words escape me to even know what to say to you. Your family has constantly been on my mind and heart this last week. As I made a two-day trip to Houston for a wedding I was constantly watching the clock on the dashboard on Saturday as it neared 1:00 and praying for you and your family for the memorial service.
As I was reading my devotional for this morning, I came across something that I feel like I need to share with you. It talked about how Satan had asked to sift Peter and Jesus allowed it. Jesus prayed for Peter that his faith would not fail. We look at his denial of Christ, 3 times no less, as an obvious failure of his faith, but Jesus didn't. Jesus sees the lifelong process of our faith. "When we fall, He knows whether we will get up. He sees the big picture." Jesus sees you in your sorrow right now and He weeps for you but He also sees your faith that has and is shining brightly in the midst of the temptation to give into the anger and grief. There was a quote by St. Ambrose, "The devil tempts that he may ruin; God tests that He may crown."
My friends, you are wearing your crowns.

Anonymous said...

Dear Boothe,
I too have followed this blog very closely for weeks now & I fell in love with Copeland and your precious family. Often I've wanted to post something just to let you know that you are touching many more lives than you are even aware. However, I knew that regardless of what I wrote it would be so inadequate during a time like this. So.. I would pray & ponder all day what I should/could say just so you'd know one more family is touched/changed by yours. I opened a Joyce Meyer magazine yesterday and on the front page in bold letters she said, "God has called us to share Jesus with the world. This means more than telling them, but actually showing them." Immediately, I thought- That's It!! Boothe, you ARE "Showing" others the love of Christ. I can imagine (as a mother of 2 girls) that that is no consolation for you today. However, hopefully one day you'll appreciate it.
My heart is so heavy for you. I am praying.

The Asbell Family said...

We've lost three children and have this advice for you:

Continue to take care of your spiritual needs. Do not neglect that for anything.

Eat healthy whole foods, no junk.

Get adequate rest, but don't lay around excessively either.

Talk with each other and when it hurts too much to talk, just hold each other.

Be understanding and compassionate with each other and those who say the wrong things but mean only to help. Don't assume the other spouse doesn't care because you can't see it visibly.

Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you feel a need to. Do not let others tell you how to grieve or how long. We are unique and feel things differently. Each loss affects you differently and you have a different reaction to each situation.

Please, take very good care of yourselves spiritually, physically and emotionally to keep from giving satan a foothold into your lives. What you have is worth protecting.

We've felt a similar ache in the heart and ache to hold your child. We are so very sorry you've had to go through this. May God grant you with the peace that goes beyond understanding and reaffirm His great love for you in tangible ways that speak directly to your hearts.

You have brought additional comfort and healing to us as we still mourn our children too. Thank you.

You have been and will continue to be in our prayers.

We share in your sorrow now, but we WILL share in your rejoicing very soon when we all gather in the presence of Christ!

cara said...

you don't even know me, but i'm a student at auburn and i'm friends with all the BA girls...beth gillem, ali tanner, emily oldham, emily stewart, etc...

my daddy died 7 months ago. beth told me about your blog recently and i'm so thankful that she did. thanks for just sharing your raw, honest thoughts. thanks for not putting on the front that everything's ok or that all the sunday school answers make it all better. thanks for choosing to stay committed to God even when all you can say is "hey" or when nothing makes sense.

thanks again. He has blessed me tremendously through you.

cara jane crowson

Anonymous said...

I am one of Kari Holley's friends and your story of faith and love for our Saviour is a real testimony to me and my family. Your sweet baby Copeland has touched our lives and we will not forget her. My friend is due with a boy in December and his name is going to be Copeland also. I will think of your child each time I say the name. Keep strong in the faith. You have reminded me of what I know to be true. Praise be to God who loves us more than we could know or imagine. He knew you to be strong and only the strong can handle this. The Lord is the creator of the good and the bad. We will rejoice in the good and we will rejoice in the bad b/c he made them both. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Laura said...

After finding your blog yesterday, and watching the video, I got in my car and could not get you off my mind. I prayed for you and, as I was praying, one of my favorite songs came on the radio - Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns - and I praised God in that very moment that people like you are still praising Him and acknowledging Him in the midst of horrible storms in their lives. It brings hope to those who don't know the God of comfort and peace to see and hear of those who do. Thank you for sharing your heart! I will continue to pray that God, in His infinite power and wisdom, will be with you and your family in a very special way each and every day. Although I don't know you, I grieve with you as the Lord tells us to do in His Word. Laura

Anonymous said...

You are where you are supposed to be right now. The Lord has you in His hands. Don't feel rushed to get up out of the sitting. He will call you there when He's ready. You know where you are at better than anyone else. The best thing that you can do is to keep portraying your authenticity of where you are at to yourself and those around you who love you. Don't let anyone speak guilt, shame, or a need to be something, someone or somewhere else. Trust in Him alone. Be on guard for Satan and the lies that he is trying to speak you into. I am praying and so are so many others.
i love you so much. you haven't lost hope and you never will because he is alive and always here.

Toni in the Midst said...

The second to the last paragraph is filled to overflowing with wisdom and insight that could take a lifetime to learn, if not for the way you so clearly poured it from your soul for others to learn from. What a POWERFUL lesson to be learned.

Boothe, please know that I am praying for you. As you grieve and as you move forward forever changed, you are being bathed in prayer. I'm truly brokenhearted for all the hurt and loss you are experiencing today.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you, Conor and Sellers. I pray for you often.

StephieAnne said...

Oh Boothe,

I am so sorry - I know you dont know me, but I am praying for you and your family. Your words will be saved and printed out, and I will use them when grief comes our way, and I will remember and know that I am not alone. Thank you, amidst this enormous pain, for your transparency and faith. You are so authentic.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, I struggle for the right words for you. Really there is nothing I could say or do that would take away the pain you feel in your heart.

In John 9, Jesus's disciples asked Him who sinned the man or his parents for him to be blind. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." John 9:3-5

I know that this might not be comforting to you, but your words,faith and love of Him shine. You are displaying God at work in your life. How amazing it is for me to be a witness to your testimony and how real every word you write, changes me in some sort of way.

Copeland is with Jesus and it is through her that we see Him.
I truly believe that the Lord is wrapping His arms around you, Conor and Sellers and drawing you into Him(with Copeland right there in spirit)

In Christ,
Allison McLendon

Mom said...

May our Lord bless you and keep your family! My prayers are yours. Melody Koppe

Suzy Goodman said...

I so wish that I could somehow take this pain from you all. I know from my own experience that I cannot do that for you but please know that you are constantly in my heart and in my prayers, when I walk through the day, when I rise in the morning and when I am going to sleep at night.

I remember so well feeling and thinking what you are feeling and thinking right now. Please know that the Lord will faithfully carry you all through this difficult time and He will strengthen you. He is not finished with His story through you. Copeland will always hold a very precious, tender place in your hearts and in ours and while she is experiencing her new life with Jesus, her mommy and daddy will be here encouraging others through their love for her and for her Lord and theirs.

Aja said...

I thought of you when I read the lyrics to a song today and thought I'd pass it along. I've also experienced the loss of a child and I'm praying for you and your family.

"When the shadows fall and night begins, I feel my heart growing faint. So I will stir myself and meditate, on the thing which gives me strength. It's Your Word, and it's precious to me." --Jon Thurlow

Anonymous said...

Boothe, Know that I am lifting your family up in prayer at this time. You are sitting at the feet of the Father, and it is the TRUE place of comfort! We serve a God who knows us, loves us, and cares for our hurts, even when words cannot describe how we feel. Thank you for being yourself; I've always loved that you are so honest, and you aren't afraid to be you. Love ya! Lani

Anonymous said...

Boothe, we are all sitting around you and will continue to until you are ready to rise...and when you rise, we will be there to support you as you stand...and when you are ready to walk we will be close...ready to help you along there or be there to catch you should you fall.

Thank you for being you- you are an inspiration!

Barbara said...

I will continue to pray for you and your family Boothe. You are so very real and have blessed so many lives. He is holding you every minute.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, yes I do agree with you. It's okay to mourn because if we never mourn, we can never experience our God as Comforter. I am thankful to Him that you have the chance to really get to know Him as The Comforter. He will do what He says He is. My prayers are with you and I read about you guys daily.
-Mary Kat Conolley
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.

Anonymous said...

Oh Boothe...your family's journey and Copeland's life have given us a glimpse of heaven. Thank you for your faithfulness in sharing. We pray that you know you are in the Palm of His Hand, and Copeland is wrapped up there, too.

Susan Pitman

{Karla} said...

continuing to pray that you will find peace and joy in His love.


Anonymous said...

Boothe, my dear, you just lost your precious little girl; you are hurting so much. One thing that helps me, at times, is to write down my feelings, and you have certainly poured your heart out in this blog. You may want to try that. God's blessings on you and Conor and Sellers and may he give you peace.

Stephaine Gardiner-Davi said...

Your words describe my feelings almost exactly. I lost my beautiful identical twin girls to trisomy 18.They were born on August 30, 2007. Abigail stayed with us for about 90 minutes and Emily was with us for 10 days. Emily went home to Jesus on September 9,2007. Like you, the pain is still very fresh in my heart. I agree with the physical feelings of heartache- of the stabbing, crushing feelings- at times it feels like nothing will ease the pain except for my baby girls coming back to me. The pain is overwhelming at times but, like you, I have faith that our Father has a purpose for this journey he has bestowed upon us and that our babies are now without pain or suffering in the arms of the Lord. I am also fortunate to have a husband whom I can grieve with, though we sometimes do it in different ways- I always want my "roads in life to lead me back to him".
Many people tell me "you are not alone, there are many moms who have lost their children and are doing fine." I know that these friends and family mean well, but it just makes me more sad to know that other families-other mothers- have to feel the pain that I am feeling. Like you, I knew before the girls were born that their diagnosis was grim, but it didn't prepare me for the intense pain I feel- it is hard for me to describe in words. Some days are better than others. They are always in my mind, but some days I feel more at peace with their heavenly being, and other days I am so overwhelmed with the feelings of missing them that I just can't bring myself go to "Target or the mall". I know I have to continue on with my "every day life", but I agree with you in the feeling of freedom in saying "I just can't go out to dinner with you guys tonight" or other things people ask us to do with them.
I'm sorry. I'm going on and on. But it helps me to talk about it to someone who understands. I plan on creating a legacy page soon for my girls on www.trisomy18.org. It is the website for the trisomy18 foundation- you've probably already seen it. When I read other people's stories- yours and the stories on the stories on trisomy18.org- it helps me validate my feelings when I think that how I feel must be "crazy" or something. I heard about your story from my sister, who works with your brother-in-law(I believe) in Salinas, CA. I, myself am a nurse where he works but we are in different departments and I don't know him. If you would like, you can visit struveandlaporte.com. That is the website to the mortuary we used for the girls. In it, click on "obituaries" and then click into "Emily Elizabeth Davi" and/or "Abigail Marie Davi". In those sections, you can read their obits and see the video that we played at their memorial. Of the pics in the video in the hospital, Abigail is the one without the oxygen and Emily is the one with the oxygen. You can visit this site only if you are ready to- one thing I've learned in this whole thing is to only do things, read things, watch things when I feel ready and not when people tell me to. Also, if you need a friend, my e-mail is sbgtall@yahoo.com- angain only if you feel like it, I won't be offended if I don't hear from you.

Stephanie Gardiner-Davi said...

Oh my gosh, I forgot to mention how absolutely beautiful your precious Copeland is. She is absolutely adorable. You should be proud to have such beautiful girls- both her and Sellers.

Emily said...

I'm still sitting here in the sorrow with you. Just wanted to let you know. ;)

Terry said...

I too, personally know the pain you are feeling. Don't pressure yourself to be "doing great" or set some standard as to where you should be at any given time. Grief is hard work and so very individual. Just do what you have to do, don't feel pressured or let others judge. You will never forget her--it is an impossibility. It has been 22 years since we buried our precious little son and I haven't forgotten a thing. The pain is mostly gone, the hole in my heart will never go away, but I have peace. You can't rush it or make healing happen, just let God (and others) hold you until. . .

eliza said...

interdeding on your behalf- may our Father hold you and comfort you.
Love you,
Eliza (in SAvannah, GA)

Sherry Luttrell said...

Boothe and Conor,
I pray that the Lord will give you strength to grieve however you need to and in whatever way you need to. I pray that He will guide you as you get back into the routine of daily life. We pray for Sellers, too, and that the Lord will just continue to give you the right words to say to her as she tries to comprehend all of this. Copeland has blessed so many, along with your sweet family.
Love, Sherry & family

Anonymous said...

precious sister: still praying for you in chicago. you are not forgotten by the hundreds, probably even thousands of us whose lives you, conor, sellers & copeland have touched. more importantly, the Lord has not forgotten you and is listening to every thought; catching every tear -although at times i'm sure it doesn't "feel" like He is. praying that the Father who understands - the One who gave up His Son for us all- will wrap you in His arms & cover you with comfort as only He can. much love and many prayers....

Marcie said...

Dear sweet Farley Family,
I have been following your sadness for a few weeks now. Your story has tugged at my heartstrings. Please know that I have been praying for you continually....and crying...and giving thanks and praise to Our Lord. Praise for giving you sweet Copeland, and praise for giving us you, dear sweet Boothe. Your thoughts that you so kindly share with us, especially those of us who have never lost a child, are awesome and inspiring. I will keep praying for you....I watch Copeland's video each night. She is an angel.
With much love from Canada.

courtney said...

The Gospel According to Job is one of my most favorite books. Besides the obvious literal and relatable issues, I think that one of the greatest probes into Job is comforting for many reasons. But, the greatest reason, I think, is that b/c of Job's suffering he is depraved, miserable, grief stricken, and confused. All that is to say is that if you were to just "bounce back" from your experiences thus far, it would seem abnormal. It is entirely normal for you to grieve how you grieve. I pray that you would feel comfort and freedom to do so as God leads you through the valley. Many prayers to you and Conor and Sellers....


Jennifer said...

I know that you do not know me, but somehow I came across your blog. I am praying for you and your family! I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now, but just remember that your sweet baby girl is with her Father now! I am sure that she is looking down on all of you and I bet you now have a new, wonderful guardian angel! I pray that you all find peace and comfort in the days to come!

Anonymous said...

You are such a blessing to your husband, daughters, and those who come across your words. Sellers and Copeland could not have been gifted with a better mother. We are standing in the gap for you and willing to carry whatever we can from afar.

anna louise wolfe said...

It is so true that God provides healing through stillness in Him. I have been reading a book by Henri Nouwen called The Way of the Heart, and it talks about having one's heart being in the stillness of Christ even as you go throughout the activities of the day. It is something that I have been trying to do myself, and I hope and will be praying that God will comfort, heal, and bless your heart as you choose to rest in Him. You and your dear family are such incredible examples of Christ, and I want you to know that God has definitely used Copeland to change me for the better, and I am continually in awe of the thought of how many countless others' lives have been changed by the life your precious daughter for the glory of God. I will continue to be praying for y'all.

Britmum said...

Hi Boothe

When we lost our daughter I told my husband to see our grief as a spiral. That we were both on different parts of the spiral and that some point we would meet in the middle.

Grief is such a terrible journey to undertake.

I am thinking of you all constantly.


Take care xx

Amy said...

I too do not know you (we used to live in Nashville and I think we know some of the same people), but you and your family have touched me deeply. Your eloquent words, your honesty... it's what so many people think but can't say. I think of you and your family often... my prayer life is strengthened in praying for someone I do not even know.

TJ Wilson said...

Boothe, keep writing.
TJ Wilson

Ashley said...

Dear Boothe,
Thank you for your honesty. It is so beautiful to read your words of heartfelt emotion. I pray you would continue to let your heart be sad, knowing your Heavenly Father grieves with you. He will give you the grace sufficient for you every need. Praying for you to lean into your pain and hang on to the hope you have in Christ. You are a precious daughter to the Lord and you have brought him so much glory through your witness.
Love, Ashley in CA

MOM said...

Dearest Boothe,
The Orthodox Jews still have the tradiiton and practice of greiving visibly for one year. It is within their oral law that a greiving person must out loud and very publicly grieve their loss for one year. They must sit in the same chair or sofa or wherever , everyday and move about their house slowly and rarely. This seems to me to be a revelation that they have that it is important to sit, to grieve and to "not yet move on". A Jewish friend of ours said, he did not do anything for a year but grieve his loss of his dad.....purposefully and deliberately. People around him took care of business needs and took care of his physical needs. I too see that we all seem to be more comfortable with a swift recovery from grief. It doesn't somehow fit into our "moving on" "be so strong" philosophy of life. Our adopted Jewish brothers help us be more comfortable sitting in our grief. I was grieving with you today....missing for you the time with your sweet Copeland. You are a wonderful mother. God will restore you in a sweet time of being still....of sitting with your grief. Maybe it is exactly what we all need more of....sitting still.
Much love and still praying,
paige Holloway

Anonymous said...

Sweet Booth and Conor,

Pat and I were so sorry we weren't able to be at the memorial physically but know that we were there in spirit. Our hearts were heavy througout the day as we were traveling. One of our dearest friends tragically took his life in March. His son married Saturday afternoon and we felt that we had to be there to support him. It was a bittersweet day for all of us who had watched Martin, the groom, grow up and have loved him almost like one of our own children. Martin is struggling the most with anger and bitterness. As soon as things settle down a bit for him I hope to share some of your story with him.
The video is beautiful. The only comfort that we can have through a time like this is to know that our God can use our pain for His purpose. I have a friend who lost her beautiful, smart, strong 21 year old son in an accident at West Point. He was her pride and joy in life as all of our children are. After 15 years ,a friend of hers came to know the Lord because of her faith and example. That was just a few weeks ago. She still struggles with why but has learned to accept it and somehow, I can't imagine how, can feel joy because His will is being done. That's why I wanted you to know that I shared Copeland's "song"(and not have to wait 15 years) and your pictures with two of my friends who are particularly struggling to accept Christ and the life that He desires for them to live. I want them to feel what Copeland is feeling as she is held by Our Savior. We continue to pray that somehow you too can rest in those arms and feel His love through your tears.
Betsy P

Anonymous said...

I know this one thing to be true....as you sit at the top of the stairs, God sits with you.

You are being lifted in prayer to our Father!

Donna N.

Carol said...

Like so many others who have now read your blog, I, too, have never met you. Please give yourself time to grieve. I believe people grieve in different ways and need to find their own ways to do this. I pray that you will find contentment and peace and rest soon and that you will keep moving through your grief to take care of yourself and precious Sellars and Conor.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you while you grieve.

Lots of prayers from Roseville, CA

Laurie said...

Dear Boothe,
Beginning another day with prayers for you and your family. Asking God to meet your every need, and gently sit with you in your sorrow. He asked you to walk this path and He will continue walking you through this season and bless your faithfulness in all things, big and small. I pray His peace that passes all understanding is the comfort you cuddle up in today. You are so very loved and prayed for.
Laurie in Ca.

Marie Lanathoua said...

Prayers to you from Southern Cal, God Bless you all!

Anonymous said...

Keep on believing that God will sustain you through this difficult time. He is the author and finisher of our lives. I am still praying for you and your family. Press into Christ, for He longs to lavish His love on you dear Boothe.

Anonymous said...

Bless you - as you have blessed me with your sincerity and your eloquence.

Anonymous said...

"Be still and know that I am God." I think that verse is so powerful is so many ways. Still praying for your family.
Mary T. Miller

Anonymous said...

I'm not even sure if you will read this, but I found your story through a mutual friend. I can so relate to your words today as if I wrote them. My husband and I lost our baby boy half way through our pregnancy. Hang on, even if with your fingernails. These days of sitting in that grief will seem so long, but He is holding you while you sit there. Even in the private moments when you doubt that He is.
I pray for peace today for you as you grief.

Anonymous said...

I have a good friend due in three weeks with a baby with the same diagnosis from the Dr. Your words have helped us as friends understand better the hope that we can have throughout this situation because we personally know christ, and know that this is just goodbye for a little while. This has also helped us to grasp just how much of an impact they have on our lives reguardless of how long they are with us. and yes, realize just how deep the sorrow is because we want them for just a little while longer. THank You for being so candid.

Lindsay said...


You have continued to be in my heart and in my prayers. You and your baby girl have had such an impact on my life and my faith.

I would love sometime to hear the stories of your name and your girls names. Are they family names? They, all three, are so unusual and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I am still praying. May God grant you grace for this day.

Anonymous said...

I can't remember exactly how I found your blog, but I just wanted to say as I read about the trials you went through, you touched my hear. I pray that the Lord will help you through this time ahead, and will just comfort you. Just by reading I can tell you are one amazing family. I watched the memorial service video, and your little girl was too cute. That was one beautiful song. May the Lord comfort you and be with you.

Moriah Freeman

IRENE said...

Praying for all of you. In Christ.

Anonymous said...

P.S.I am from PA by the way. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Moriah Freeman

Connie@Little Red Hearts From God said...

What an incredibly beautiful testimony to your daughter and your family.

Copeland is so beautiful....

You have definitely exposed your true feelings. oh my...what a gift.

You are so in my prayers...
thank you for sharing.


Anonymous said...

Boothe, I found a link to your blog and just read it by chance, but I just wanted to thank you for your witness to the sanctity of life. I have a little one-year-old girl of my own, and my husband and I hope to have more children. I have worried about the possibility of ever having a disabled child or losing a child -- I hope that I could deal with it with the great love and faith that your family has. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you.

- Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Conor and Boothe,

I can get you out of my mind and so I pray for you so many times during the day. I've lost count of the times we teachers at Otter Creek stand before school to pray for you. Keep journaling your struggle. It is healing for you and all of us who grieve the loss of Copeland. Keep clinging to God. He understands your anger and sadness and fear. He loves you like no other.
I love you too,

Pea Pod Mommy said...

Your words are beautiful. I am praying.

Sarah said...

Boothe, I came across your blog from a friend's. I just want to say that I'm so sorry, and I'm truly praying for you. I know your words probably just seem like a way to let out what is stirring in your heart, but you are blessing so many of us, especially those of us who have lost a baby but have never been able to express the hurt in our heart. Thank you and bless you.-Sarah

Anonymous said...

Oh, Boothe you are just so right on with everything you have said & shared. Know that you do not sit in the sorrow alone. I read this & I sit in the sorrow myself knowing that you hurt, but believing that you will heal. And I think after reading this how bittersweet life is. What joys we experience & what pain & loss. And it makes me think of how blessed Copeland is not to feel the pain of this world. Just know that I am lifting you to the Lord with so many others. The Lord bless & keep you.

Anonymous said...

I started reading your blog a few weeks ago. You have touched my heart and strengthened my faith. I know you must be feeling so much pain at this time, but you will get through it. God does not give us more than we can handle. I have a daughter with a brain abnormality, learning disabilities, etc. and life can be so challenging for her. But, I have great faith in God and know he is an eternal God. She will be taken care of in the end, and her life wont be such a struggle.
I have also read about Eliot, Madeline Grace, Angie and Nathan, and just read Stephanie's blog to you and watched the memorial video. I pray for all of you and your families and know your faith in God will get you through these painful times.

Anonymous said...

Silence and stillness in a soul after the kind of trials you've been dealt at first seemed very odd when I started reading this post. But it makes sense. Because you're not busying yourself or preoccupying yourself to bandage the hurt at the moment. You're sitting still and letting it come. Your facing it head on and allowing the Lord to clean and mend the wound.

And that takes such strength. To be still and quiet in the chaos of emotions and thoughts. While your heart longs after what it can not have.

Stay broken Boothe. Stay broken.

He is working.

striving... said...

I came to your blog just last week, so I read all of your posts over the week until today. Let me say I am praying for you. I cannot imagine. God loves you, and he is taking care of that baby for you. God Bless

Anonymous said...

You do not know me, but I recieved note of your situation last week thru a local church group, and my heart goes out to your family. I never know how people feel about what I am about to tell you, just know it comes from a place of good intention. I have a friend whom lost a child last year after birth. She did not get as long with her baby as you did, and he was very premature and bruised at birth. Another friend of mine makes beautiful babies, and is so talented, she can replicate babies, when people request, by looking at pictures of the child. She has lost a child herself and was able to be very tactful and respectful in the process. I sent her photos of this baby, and she recreated him to look healthy and with features he would have had, and I gifted the mother with this baby so she would always have something to hold onto in the tough times and be able to see her child as he would have been. If at some point in your grieving you'd consider it a tool to heal by, you can contact her by going to http://www.chillbumslilblessings.com/index2.html

As in everything, hold on to Jesus.

KrazyMom said...

I am so sorry for all that you are going through! Journaling your feelings is a wonderful way to let some of it out! I thank you for sharing your honesty and trust so that we may pray for your specific needs!

May I make a suggestion for when you are ready? In our greiving process, I found the book, 'I'll Hold You In Heaven' to be a wonderful tool in helping me to heal. Even if it is a year before you are able to read it, I strongly recommend it! I received it five years ago and I still pull it out and re-read it often. I also have found the website, www.aplacetoremember.com to be wonderful! You can even place a tribute to Copeland in the online rememberance book (my two babies are in there too).

Holding you up in prayer with much love!

Kelly in MI

alexis said...

i hadn't checked your blog in days but read it this morning. i'm praying for you still. Know that it is good and healthy to grieve...there is healing in the grieving. I'm looking forward to dinner on Tuesday.
I love you.


Chandra said...

I have been reading your blog sporadically over the last couple of hours, & I'm moved beyond words. I am steadfastly praying for your comfort. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum than you...parents who have lost their child. I'm a child who has lost her parents. There are some days when grief takes such a hold over me that I feel I can't breathe & I don't want to. I always find comfort in knowing my parents are with Jesus, but I'm still angry that they aren't here with me. I read a quote somewhere that says, "Grief changes shape, but it never ends. People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, 'it's gone & I'm better.' They're wrong." I'm comforted to know that there is at least one other person out there who truly has some idea of loss & grief & what it does to your soul.
I will be thinking of you in the days & weeks to come. May the blessings of Christ Jesus rain down upon your family today & always.
-Chandra from Texas

Cathy said...

I woke up this morning praying for your pain. I pray that God will comfort your aching hearts and arms.

Shelli Smith said...

I know the heavy feeling on your chest and the need to scream at the world to stop because your baby has died. I know the sorrow, anger, despair, frustration, confusion, loneliness and jealousy of other mothers. Your heart will heal but there will always be a scar. Please trust me in this. God is so faithful to his children. You WILL have a normal life again, but it may take you years to find it. There will come a day when you heart will not hurt with the intensity that it does today. I believe as you do that our children are not angels. (It makes me quiet upset for someone to say this to me.) Our children have new, whole bodies and are with the Father now. Right where we long to be. Allow Christ to be your support and you will make it to through your grief. You will survive this just like the ones before you have. I know how very difficult it is to just "be still". This may be the hardest part. Copeland was a very special baby girl, to have been given such a faithful Mommy. Love in Christ,
Shelli Smith
Alabaster, AL

Tipi Colley Miller said...

We lost our precious newborn 10 months ago. Your writings are a replica of my emotions during the first few days. I had to remind myself I had lost my baby- some days I felt like I was living in a daze. H. Norman Wright in Experiencing Grief refers to Job 42:5 "My ears had heard You but now my eyes have seen You." God is taking you guys to a place very few people experience. We are praying for you.
Tipi Colley Miller

Sun said...

You have been on my heart all week - I just wanted to let you know we are thinking about you and will once again lift up your family tonight - Sunshine

Whitney Cantrell said...

I don't know you personally but you have blessed me tremendously today with your openness. Your family is in my prayers, and my heart goes out to you. May the Lord bring you a type of comfort that you've yet to experience...

Toni Hess said...

I know Melanie Hovancek. You are in my prayers. I do not know what it is like but Jesus does. He knows our every heartache. He loves us and will be there for us. God bless you for sharing. Toni

simonsays said...

Praying and thinking about you everyday. Bets and I were talking about you guys over lunch today. We're looking forward to bringing dinner soon.

Love, Julie

Anonymous said...

thinking of you today.

Heather said...

Wow. I stumbled onto your blog and couldn't tear myself away. In 2004, we lost our first daugther at 36 weeks. It was a shock to us as nothing had been wrong. It was a cord accident. I know your grief is differnt, yet the same. No parent should have to bury a child. It's just not right.

We will keep you in our prayers in the days to come. Boothe, you are a gifted writer, and I pray that God uses that gift for His glory.

You can read our story and hear the song my husband wrote for our daughter at www.psalm151.com - when you have time.

Take care of yourselves and each other during this time. And hold onto to God with all your might.

Jaclyn said...

Boothe- you continue to be an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your broken heart and continue to lean on Him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the words you have written throughout this journey. Your courage and strength in God has influenced my perspective on my own children. May God continue to bless you and your family as you have proven to be so faithful to Him!

risalea said...

When you are ready, perhaps there is a support group in your area for parents who have lost their children. Sharing with others who have gone through the same tragic experience may help you get through your grief.

Continued prayers, Risa

kellianne said...

Although I do not know you, I do know your story. The past few days I have thought about you and your family and one thing had come to my mind, a song by Natalie Grant. The song is called " Held" , it's about a mother who loses her child and can't seem to find the fairness in it all. I encourage you to listen to the song, it might be tough at first, but the words speak volumes. My thoughts and prayers continue to go out to you and your family. God Bless

Mallory said...


Just wanted to know that we are still thinking about you and that you have Abilene and ACU praying for you and Conor and Sellers. I love you and will keep praying!

Steph said...

I am continuing to pray for you.
Stephanie Reis<><

derrickandamy said...

Boothe, Conor and Sellers,
You all continue to be in my thoughts and my prayers. I hope that today will bring you peace.

Emily said...

Still sitting right beside you... wail all you want.

(270)392-1547 - day or night.

Love you.

Laurie said...

Still sitting with you in prayer today out here in California, hoping some of this sunshine comes through to your heart. Thinking about you every day and praying for your hearts, all 3 of you and your families too. May you find much needed restoration and rest in this time of being still. Jesus sits with you, holding you tight.

I love you all, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, my heart just aches for you. You see I just feel your pain. I have a darling grandbaby and every time I read your posts I can feel my Abby in my arms and oh! How empty we would be without her. I am praying for you and I am crying for you and I am calling out to God to give you peace.

Overwhelmed! said...

This post brings tears to my eyes. You and your family are in my prayers!

Jackie Sue said...

You have grasped the truth of grief...you embrace it. You live in it and it becomes part of who you are. Somehow we long in some strange way to go back to who we were, before the huge pain, but we can't. Your grief will change you forever, just like your love for Copeland did. You will never be the same and somehow in this you become more like Jesus who was no stranger to sorrow. God bless you and yours as you find your way in this. Your testimony is a blessing. I'm so sorry for your loss and so challenged by your words.

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