Sunday, April 20, 2008

a fine line

In the fall of 2005, Conor and I sat in a doctor's office and looked with wild eyes at a new, frightening chapter of life: we had miscarried our second child and were now facing a trial greater than one we'd ever expected. The pregnancy had actually caused something pre-cancerous to grow within me and I began chemotherapy shortly before Halloween.

A year later, after receiving permission to begin thinking about having another child, we were thrilled to learn I was pregnant again. Ten weeks in, at a routine ultrasound, we saw the baby on the screen - without a heartbeat.

A few months after that, we learned we were pregnant again. This was early 2007. That sweet baby was Copeland.

I don't write any of this to say that my story is unique, special. I write it for two reasons. One, because I want to remember. There's a loss in the forgetting. And, two, because instead of being unique, it's universal. And it's not just the idea of suffering. Suffering is a part of life, and we hear its refrain from the time we are young. But it is repeat suffering - loss after loss, sorrow after sorrow - that takes us by the scruff of the neck and demands we decide: will we fall on our knees or rise to our feet? Will we bow before a God who allows us to come to blows - again and again and again - or will we stand and walk away, convinced that it's impossible for such a god to exist?

I learned, tonight, of parents who recently lost their second child to a genetic disease that robbed their first of life only a year before. A disease that didn't show up in their eldest until she was nearing two and wouldn't appear in their youngest until after his older sister had been buried. Another mother lost a set of twin girls last summer at 20-odd weeks of pregnancy; just a few weeks ago, she and her husband learned they were pregnant again. "Redemption! Here's the plan God had all along!" This is the common Christian cry. Why shouldn't it be? But just a few days ago, that same young mother faced yet another heartbreak: miscarriage. Again.

We are such wonderful, beautiful creations. We look for redemption in everything around us. We can't help it. We look for the reason, the purpose, the story. The turning point. Every good writer knows that each story has to have two things to make it "work" - a climactic point where everything suddenly becomes something different, often something better, and a character who changes and becomes something different, often someone better. We like better. In fact, sometimes we don't mind trading in our present mediocrity for future elation, even if suffering is often strewn along the path. But we want the future elation to come soon. Now. Because the mediocrity doesn't look like mediocrity until it's eclipsed by elation. Until then, mediocrity looks like happiness. Let's be honest: it is happiness! We just begin, in the hour of suffering, to convince ourselves that what we believed would make us happy - the thing suffering took away - was really a trick, or a trap, or something we'd begun to make into an idol. That, eventually - soon, now - we'll see how that happy wasn't happy at all. What's really happiness is to come. It's better.

But what if better doesn't come? What if better just keeps taking its time or never even shows up? What if what everyone says is going to be the "blessing around the bend" keeps evading me? Why did I have to let go of my past joy to stand in present sorrow? When's the future going to make it feel worthwhile? What's the sense in all of it? Where's the redemption?

I heard a pastor say once, in a sermon I doubt I listened to at all, that "history is going somewhere". I doubt I listened because most of what he said was beyond my comprehension. But I caught that line. I like karma. I'm sort of built to like karma. We want to know that "what goes around, comes around". Strangely, this is the breath of the Gospel. Jesus came. He died. And good won. But we don't see the manifestation of that win in its entirety yet. Our life story isn't circular. It's not "do-good-get-good, do-bad-get-bad". David laments the prosperity of the wicked time and time again in the Psalms. Our story - God's story - is linear. It's a fine line going directly, pointedly, toward one end. And that end is His glory. In Jesus, "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18). Do we compare them? Of course. We wouldn't be human - and God's great love - if we didn't. But one day, we'll laugh. We'll realize in full that He was right. They weren't worth comparing.

As Conor and I sat in the ultrasound room last week, watching the little heartbeat of this, our fifth child, flutter on the screen, all I could think was, "How senseless. Why in the world am I lying here, seven months after I delivered a beautiful little girl, looking at the same screen that revealed her tiny heartbeat a little more than a year ago? Why isn't she here?" Suffering, in our most basic - and most understandable - estimation is senseless. Even though I know thousands of lives were impacted by Copeland's life, I still grieve her loss. Nothing, nothing will redeem that loss for me. Not even another baby. Nothing. And yet, I look for it everywhere - the redemption. I crave it, I need it, I reach out for it. And thus I reveal within me the great, gaping void that can only be filled with the truth of Christ. He makes sense of the senseless. The fine line - my story, and yours - began and will end with Him. Every moment is Him. He is Redemption. He's the only Redemption.

I don't know what is around the bend. I know God has something good. But something good is not promised to be something perfect. Or something happy. Copeland was the best thing that ever happened to me. And the worst. How can such contradictory statements be true? Only in Christ. We know that road to Heaven is narrow. Perhaps this doesn't just mean man will find the world enticing, its ways distracting. Perhaps it means that the road is certain, and set and unwavering. That it doesn't meander about. The road is a line, a delicate but unaltered course taking us Somewhere - to see Someone - certain and set and unwavering. On our knees or on our feet, may He lead us Home.



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64 comments:

Abby Euten said...

I don't exactly know what I want to say here. You don't know me. I found your blog through a friends and at first glance something enticed me to begin reading, obviously the Lord. So I did. And I follow-up. I can't imagine your pain and I'm so sorry for your loss, though I know somewhere there will be gain-that's hard to comprehend. I have an 18 month old little girl. She is our first and only, right now. She's taught me so much about the Lord's love for his children already. Children are SUCH a blessing, it's hard to believe He would take them away, or could. I guess I really just wanted you to know- I'm praying for you and your sweet family and though your faith is great, your grief is justified.

mizbear said...

This is so, so very true. God doesn't promise that our lives will be trouble and heartache free just because we have become Christians. He does promise that He will be with us no matter what happens. We'll never be left alone; we'll never have to face anything by ourselves. We will always have His comfort and His love. Thank you so much for your words. They spoke to my heart :)

Jen said...

You have no idea how greedily I devour your words. I check every day to see if you have written anything new. And, as usual, these words you have written here are so very poigant, so gracious, humble and profound. I always feel like a breath of fresh air has been breathed into me. Even though what you have written is "heavy" by a few standards, it speaks to me, and reminds me yet again not to take my lot for granted.

Thank you, Boothe.

Tirzah said...

This is an amazing blog post. I want everyone to read it. It is so true. I especially liked:

"I know God has something good. But something good is not promised to be something perfect. Or something happy."

We are here on this earth to learn and we usually learn the most while going through hard times. Those things are good things, but they still hurt.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

MandieGirl said...

Boothe-

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. What you've written has given me a lot to dwell on today. Your "style" of writing is so easy for me to understand and relate to. I really appreciate your vulnerability.

Thanks for your heart!

Mandie

Dyan said...

Thank you for letting God use you and your gift with words.

I needed this today! :)

Melanie said...

Wow. You continue to write so beautifully what I can only ponder in my heart. Thank you for letting God use you in this way. The concept of our linear life, and not circular, really struck me. We lost our unborn Ruby at 24 weeks in 2006 and I am not 34 weeks along with a baby boy. Several women have made well-meaning comments along the lines of "well, at least you are able to have another baby" or "you deserve an easy pregnancy/healthy baby/good outcome this time" and what you have expressed here is exactly what I long to say. In my journey through loss, the one thing I do know for certain is that I deserve death, but Jesus came to give me life. And that in accepting that precious life, I put it all in His hands. Which sounds really simple when you're making that decision at age 12 (or whenever). I hope this child will be healthy and full-term. But I have no promise that my sorrow is over. I'm thankful to be on that straight and narrow path toward Him. And that is ALL I know.

Anonymous said...

The Gracious hand of our God is very obviously on your life. Your words and your heart's cry are an amazing proof of His work, His tenacious love, in our broken world. Jesus is so real in this story --- this fine line --- that you continue to share with all of us.

Kelly said...

Boothe-
You don't know me either, but I've been following your blog for some time now. Loss and suffering are a strange thing. We can't comprehend it until we walk through it and we're guaranteed to walk through it as long as we're living on this earth. Life is so messy but what we do with that mess is more important....even life changing. Will we let Jesus come in and redeem the mess or will we walk on our own. I don't have the strength anymore to walk on my own after having miscarried 3precious babies. I have a beautiful 4 year old boy but the longing for another baby along with all the loss is so great that at times it's suffocating. I know I'm not promised another baby but I am promised God's redemption, Glory, eternity, grace, peace and on and on. I will cling to that. Thank you for your story, it does help to know we're not alone in this journey........And may this baby grow securely in all of the love you have to offer him/her.

Teresa said...

Thank you so much for obediently using your gift and your experience to share things like this. I really, really needed this today. I know I'm not the only reason God gave you these words but I know I'm one of them.

sumi said...

Your words ministered to me today. Thank you for sharing your heart!

I too, am looking for redemption, craving it...at the age of almost-42, and having had my tubes tied after Jenna's birth, another pregnancy is not going to happen, nor do I feel it should.

But I am grieving on so many levels...my loss seems so huge at times. I know there are always others worse off than me, and this is my path, I will walk it, and I will come through it with a little bit more Jesus-likeness woven into my being than I had before. I can rejoice in that.

But times like today I just miss my little girl and though I crave that redemption you mentioned, I realise that only Jesus can truly fill the void.

blessings,
Sumi

Anonymous said...

Boothe,

God is using you Boothe to teach us, you faith is strong, sadness justified, Jesus on the cross even asked "why"...but we will only know when we get to heaven. There is family in Southern California that just last May lost all three of their beautiful children (2 girls, 4 & 2 and a boy age 5) in a blink of an eye in a horrific car accident. Their faith as yours an example, a test, they are expecting today, due in May triplets, two daughters and a son.....God has a plan....Your a blessing Boothe and Conor to us all. God Bless you all. Continue writing...it is inspiring and a blessing.

Caroline said...

I just found your blog and the timing is so appropriate as a couple I knew from college lost a precious daughter 2 weeks ago to Trisomy 18. Thank you for sharing your story through that beautiful video and for clinging to Jesus so wholeheartedly. I worked on a Bible Study today titled "Submissive to the Lord's Assignment" (by Priscilla Shirer). She wrote - A true servant of God must be willing to surrender to God's plan completely. She was mainly talking about allowing God to use our gifts for His glory, not ours, but I think it also relates to our situations. When we surrender our lives to Jesus, we are agreeing to praise Him even in the storm and allow Him to lead us. Thank you for sharing your journey in such a real and relatable way.

Mandy said...

I so understand that redemption that you speak of. I want it too and crave it as I still mourn Madeline's loss. Just something to make it all make some kind of sense. I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

Stilla Momma said...

I don't claim to be as eloquent, but I can understand that you are led by the Lord to write even out of your pain. Thank you for that. What a living epistle you are.

Sun said...

WOW! I am not even sure what to say - except thank you - thank you for continuing to share - continuing to write - I will be in prayer for you and your sweet family. I will specifically pray for more of Him - that He may continue to pour Himself into each of you! Sunshine

JUST A MOM said...

the only word that comes to my heart is,,,, it is all anew. a new day a new life a new feeling a new love. I think of you and I feel gratful for God's love in your words. Hang on to Faith...

boltefamily said...

I understand your feelings. Thank you for sharing them. Please know I am praying for your family and this new gift from God!

Kristy Botle

Alyssa said...

i hear your words and your heart and echo your suffering with my own in the loss of our daughter...your words spoke to me today. thanks for sharing...i "get" this more than you know...thanks.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone Boothe. There are others walking this road with you: the road to the next baby after a loss. Some are already pregnant, some are still trying to get pregnant, and some are waiting for the miracle of adoption. I think we all have the same hopes, fears, but careful expectations because, as you say, something good on the horizon doesn't mean perfect.

God bless all of us along this road as he pours out blessings and continues to heal our hearts.

JenB said...

Hi Boothe (great name)
I found your blog through another new-to-me blog today. I've read a few of your posts and have been quite touched. I'm moved by your honesty and transparent way of writing. I will pray for you and this new baby. You must be due in Dec. as is my sis-in-law, so I'll be praying for multiple Christmas babies.
Nice to "meet" you!

Sandra said...

Hi Boothe,

Thank you so much for sharing the gift of words and wisdom God has bestowed upon you. I always leave your blog blessed. Please know I'll be praying for you and your family.

Blessings,
Sandra

frannyblues said...

hi. funny that having read your thoughts for so long makes me feel like i know you well. realistically i don't. but ten years ago, you were inspiring in those silly study hours as freshmen at au, before wife-hood and motherhood entered your story, and you've quite understatedly inspired so many since then. may His glory and annointing continue to drench you, as you write yourself into the thoughts of many. your gift has been, and continues to be, influential and comforting. thank You, Lord, for the blessing in boothe.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for the past few months, and even though I can't even begin to imagine the pain you've gone through, it still seems like I can identify with everything you have written. I am not married nor do I have children yet, but you have such an ability to speak about life in general and the heartaches that go along with life. Your post today came at such a perfect time in my own life, a time when I have been questioning the purpose of situations that God has put me in. Situations that didn't turn out the way that I felt they should- I never saw that redemption come at the end of it. But your words brought peace to my heart tonight, and for that I thank you. Best wishes for your pregnancy!

Anonymous said...

In getting the 3 children here that the Lord has blessed me with, I also lost 4 others along the path. The glory is God's for I was saved along this painful journey. There were years that it seemed it would never be. That I would never have what I now have. He is a God of details & timing. So faithful. In holding back what we deserve there is glory & we receive the salvation of our souls. With singing lips my mouth will praise Him!!! His dreams for you are so much bigger than you can even dream Boothe. You just keep walking with Him & stay yoked to Him & live in victory. Press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called you heaven ward in his precious & merciful Christ! Hallelujah & AMEN!!!

mom22girls said...

your words are like a breath of fresh air. i look forward to your posts and check everyday to see if you have written anything new. you inspire me to dig deeper into my faith and not be polite about it. thank you for your honesty and speaking God's truth as always. your faith and insight is refreshing, thank you for sharing with others.

Connie said...

connBoothe,
You continue to bless so many with your amazing gift of writing. God is using you in a mighty way. We thank him for you and your family. We will continue to pray for all of you and your pregnancy.
Connie@laughterbylakeside.blogspot.com

Chownage said...

As a parent of a 9 month old and three others I await to meet someday, your words, thoughts and emotions are a great reflection of many hearts and minds across the world. Well said.

kristin and matt said...

boothe, thank you for continuing to write! your words me so much. we're praying for this new life inside you!
love,
kristin (etter) horlings

Them Chandlers said...

Boothe,

Three totally unrelated people referred me to your blog. I recently suffered a second miscarriage in 6 months after having two healthy children. My heart and soul resonates with a resounding "Amen" to all you have poured out in this post. I heard a wise man say something to the effect of "suffering is a wonderful hermeneutic." So true. Thank you so much for sharing.

Blessings,
Lauren Chandler

Heather said...

I've been reading for months and just feel as though I need to thank you for sharing what is a very painful thing. Your faith inspires me. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather

Wendy said...

Once again, thanks for your profound words and willingness to share with us. I have linked to this post because it was especially poignant to me. You strike me as a Caleb, where I have been a grumbler. Thanks for reminding me of the end of the line!

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Praying for you tonight Boothe.
Kim

Dee Dee said...

I have walked a path with similarities to yours. Our little boy, born after 2 consecutive miscarriages, lived until his 20th day. We never got to bring him home at all. I wouldn't begin to ask whose path was harder, yours or mine. It wouldn't matter even if there were an answer.
18 months after his birth, we gave birth to a healthy little girl. No, she didn't replace him. In some ways the pain returned again even after her birth, with our next, who was a boy and sometimes looked like the one we'd known and lost.
But those little ones He gave us after those repeated losses were balm to our spirit. Through them God did a healing work and helped us to get up and walk again.
Now we can better talk about our losses. They still hurt, but what strength He gave us when He blessed us again.
I pray you will be bowled over with joy when your little one arrives. Guiltless joy.
I read something once that said, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Jen(ni)/Fern said...

Congratulations on five beautiful children! You are an absolutely amazing writer and thinker.

Anonymous said...

Though I have not suffered anything like what you have, I feel that God lead me to find your blog as I just stumbled upon it one night. My father has terminal cancer and I doubt we have much time left. Though our losses our different, I have found much comfort in your words and strength from your amazing faith. I will pray for you and your family.

Kendall said...

Boothe,
I first came to know your story through your sweet video about Copeland on you tube. I am a labor and delivery nurse and have been for the past 15 years. I work with women and families experiencing loss similar to yours. Your sharing of your story and the witness to your faith is so overwhelming and a true gift! Your story and the song from your video is heavy on my heart as a 5year old girl in our elementary school died this past weekend of Leigh's Disease after her diagnosis a year ago. The song on Copeland's video is so beautiful and especially pertinent in this tragic loss. I have shared it witht the family. Is this song recorded? Is there a way to share it with other families experiencing the loss of a child? PLEASE RESPOND IF YOU CAN (kthuguley@charter.net). This would be such a special message to share with families who lose a child...and with any doubting the reality of Christ and the Grace of God opening the doors of heaven to all who choose Him! Thank you for sharing your heart, your faith, and Copeland's sweet life's story with all. I am praying for you and your pregnancy and for your continued ability to see God in your life and share that with us all! Blessings to you!
Kendall

Jared, Kristin, Deanna, and Avery Edwards said...

Grieving with you through this all. Congrats on the new baby, glad to hear the checkup went well. Praying for you all.

Vanessa and John said...

Boothe, there are no words to describe what an amazing human being you are. I was shamed by that post. You commented on my blog in the past and told me what I was going thru was painful...etc yet I still have not know the suffering you have known. Please continue to let the Lord speak thru you, b/c I think your posts truly are life changing. We are also going to start trying agian soon, to try to get the "normal" baby but this puts things in prespective...makes me more prepared! God bless your baby!!

Terry said...

the words you speak to those who even never had children and know that people like you are there for them in the time of need when they start to have family and God might be using you as thier mentor they will look up to and now God is giving you another gift, not to replace Copeland but, to give you peace. Thank you so much for sharing.

Yvette said...

Boothe,

Good evening. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you tonight! I hope your pregnancy is going well and you are feeling great as this precious new little life is growing inside of you.

Love, Yvette
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

Marie Lanathoua said...

Boothe, Conor and Seller,

Hope you are all doing well, thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

Marie
Lake Arrowhead, Ca

Diane Fay (littlealma) said...

You have also been in my thoughts and prayers lately - hoping no news is good news - and praying all is well!

Hugs from Diane in Michigan

Jen said...

Hi...I also don't know you, just like the previous comment. I also "happened upon" your blog through a friend's site. I feel compelled to contact you because I am a facilitator for Pikes Peak Share, which is a pregnancy and infant loss support group. Our chapter is local, though we are branched off of the national Share office in Kansas City. Two nights ago I met with a newly bereaved Mommy who just lost her precious baby boy at 33 weeks gestation. No explanation, no warning, no answers. Her heart is beyond broken and she's desperately seeking the Lord. And even though I only met her 48 hours ago, I feel a need, an urging within me, to reach out to her and attempt in some small way to help ease her pain. I know only the Lord can do that as she searches for hope, searches for understanding and healing that will never be complete until the day we're reunited with our Lord in all of His Glory. But I would love to share this post with her, give her the link to your page because I feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord led me to my friend's page tonight that led me to "randomly" click on your blog, so that this dear woman can be comforted by your words of truth and reality. So even though you have no idea who I am, thank you for this post. May God Bless you abundantly.

In Christ,
Jen Unrau

Laurie said...

Hi Boothe,

Just stopping by to send some love your way and let you know I am thinking about you. Hope everything is going extra good and that little baby is growing strong and healthy every day. Sellers must be so happy as I know you are. Have a great weekend!

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Karen said...

Boothe,
I am praying for you today. I have been especially praying for the development of that sweet little baby inside you.

I hope you are having a great day!

Julana said...

Thank you for sharing. I haven't watched your road exactly, but close enough to hear you. I just want to clarify--I don't think Copeland was the worst thing that happened to you. More like you meant her Trisomy, or her leaving was the worst. But not her.
I am so sorry for your pain. And you are right that you are not alone in having it. Your eyes get opened, when you start spending time in the company of people with children with special needs and extra challenges.

There's a whole different world out there, one that's easily ignored by people who haven't been forcibly detoured into it.

Some professionals get a window into it, but it's still different, for them.

Veronica Mitchell said...

I remember Annie Dillard writing that for years she kept a newspaper clipping on her wall. It said, "Why does God hate me?" and told the story of a man who had been blown up and badly burned twice in his life, each incident years apart. She didn't have a resolution to this (who could?), but she wanted to be confronted with it, so she wouldn't slip into the terrible trap of platitudes that masquerade as faith.

I think I read your blog for similar reasons. Thank you for be so open with all of us.

The Lenda's said...

Boothe-
Just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of and praying for you and Conor during this time. As I mentioned in a previous post (which you may not recall since you get so many comments:) I have experienced 6 miscarriages and have also been blessed with two beautiful daughters. I just found out a few days ago that I am pregnant again and am thrilled and yet very nervous at this point. I would love your prayers during this time of uncertainty.
Rachel

southeastcountrywife said...

wow. so much to think about. i lost my husband of just ten weeks in a tragic accident six weeks ago. i relate to what you said--at least the loss and seeking redemption--i'm still wrestling through all the rest of it...but there's truth in what you write that resonates in my soul even if i'm not quite ready to receive it yet.

i'm sorry for your losses and may you be blessed--in this life.

walkingbyfaith said...

What an amazing, touching post. Thank you for this Boothe. :)

I pray things are still going well with you and the sweet baby you're carrying. I pray God will continue to bring you and your family healing as He nurtures this new life inside of you.

Lots of love...

Beth said...

Boothe,
I found your blog from my friend Sumi. Your faith is great. You have an amazing writting ability and use of words.
I don't have a journey with grief, but your words have touched me where I am.
"I know God has something good. But something good is not promised to be something perfect. Or something happy."
I needed to hear this so badly yesterday...and I clicked over from Sumi's blog. Thank you for being open to be used by the Lord to reach out to others.

Ashlee Tomes said...

Boothe,
It's been a long time since I've been on your blog, but as I read your latest post, I am once again blessed, as always. As I contemplate making myself vulnerable again by trying for another child, I struggle with my fears, anxieties, sadness, etc. However, your words give me peace. You remind me of the hope that we have in Christ - not because everything will always be "good", but because He is good and he loves me. I had never known your whole story, and I am amazed at your strength after enduring such pain even before Copeland. Thank you for reaching out and using your story and your faith to touch others. God bless you, your family, and your precious little one.

Love,
Ashlee Tomes
~In memory of my baby girl, London~

Jaclyn said...

Boothe, I am thinking of you as Mothers Day is tomorrow. Though I don't actually know you, you are a mother who has had a huge impact on my life. I am praying for you as I know you will be missing your sweet Copeland especially tomorrow.
Blessings,
Jaclyn

Jen said...

Happy Mother's Day, dear Boothe. I hope the day is blessed.

Chrissy said...

Happy Mother's Day Kristin! You are a precious Mother and Mother-to-Be!

Jenny said...

Happy Mother's Day, Boothe...a day late. I thought of you often yesterday and hope that you were filled with peace. Still praying, Jenny

Diane Fay (littlealma) said...

You have been on my mind a lot lately. Praying that all is well!!! May God be holding you close! Hugs - Diane from Michigan

Tiffany said...

Boothe,
Congratulations!!!
I am so thrilled that God is yet revealing himself to you more, and has blessed you both with another miracle. I am praying for you and your family! Thank you for continuing to be open, honest and fully yourself to the blog! I'll keep checking in on you!-in Christ---Tiffany Foss

Jennifer said...

I started reading your blog last year, before Copeland was born. I go to church with Trayce & Yvette, Tristan's parents, and I came to your blog through hers many months ago, and yet, haven't commented until now. I actually haven't been here in a while, and for some reason, you were laid on my heart today, so I thought I'd "check in" with you.

I now know why I was being led here today... I needed to read this. I lost our first child through miscarriage in August last year, and our second in an ectopic pregnancy 2 weeks before Christmas last year. Among the many things I've learned along this road is that there are SO many other women out there who have experienced the loss, and so many of them are christian women who I have learned so much from. In the process, I've learned about myself, and my faith. I am amazed at how I relate to what you say about there being loss in the forgetting and how loss after loss and suffering after suffering demands a decision; for me, the choice to fall on my face in prayer was simple, I had no strength to stand on my own.

"But what if better doesn't come? What if better just keeps taking its time or never even shows up? What if what everyone says is going to be the "blessing around the bend" keeps evading me? Why did I have to let go of my past joy to stand in present sorrow? When's the future going to make it feel worthwhile? What's the sense in all of it? Where's the redemption?

I don't know what is around the bend. I know God has something good. But something good is not promised to be something perfect. Or something happy."

Thank you for these words today!

Congrats on the new litte life that is growing inside of you and I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another's and began reading your story from the begining... WOW! Your strory is amazing and I cried through most of it. I am in awe of your faith and strength. I pray that God will continue to give you strength and I pray that He uses your story and your family to change the lives of others in your situation. God Bless!

Ter said...

As a bereaved mother myself, I can hear your words ringing true... the best and the worst thing to happen to us. I have not yet had a subsequent pregnancy, but even so, I can understand the mixed emotions to come with it. I already feel those emotions just thinking about TTC with another child.

I wish you all the best with this pregnancy.

The Hadfields said...

Hi Boothe. I knew Rachel Hasty Phillips in college and found your blog through her. My story is so extremely similar to yours. I'm 28, I have a 2 1/2 year old little girl and I've had 2 miscarriages in the past year. We found out this week that the current baby I am carrying has trisomy 18. I am so confused and upset but your story has given me courage to face what lies ahead. Please check out my blog!
Thanks and congrats on this pregnancy. You'll be in our prayers....
Amy Stone Hadfield

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