Wednesday, September 17, 2008

one year

Tomorrow is Copeland's birthday. I can hardly believe so much time has passed. Conor and I pulled up the video we were so graciously given for her memorial service and I was absolutely undone as we watched what should be by now familiar images flash across the screen. For him, perhaps they were; for me - well, I confess I can so rarely watch the video that each time I do, it's like a sort of reunion... remembering her face, her noises, just the way she was. And realizing, all over again, that she's gone. I would ask you simply to pray for us. Amazingly, in almost six months, God has given me really smooth days. Not to say that the sadness doesn't creep in on occasion, but life has been startlingly normal and... good. For some reason, after putting Sellers to bed tonight, the weight of all that was about to happen a year ago tomorrow - the beginning of the best and the worst week of my life - hit and I felt the very air being sucked out of me. The joy. That strange, panicked sensation that rocked my very being when the funeral home took Copeland's body away... it all returned afresh, as though twelve months hadn't really gone by. In some ways, as I've told friends, I just want tomorrow to be normal. It hurts too much to allow it to be anything more. It's too hard. And yet, in others, I know it will bless me to stop and do whatever it is I need to do - cry, laugh, simply remember - and give myself the freedom to indulge what I beginning to realize I've long suppressed. Whether that suppression is healthy, I don't know. I suppose I've done what I've needed to do to get by. But i found myself tonight uttering the same prayers I did a year ago: "God, just get me through this. Get me through whatever time is left between now and the moment i get to hold her again." Pray that our grief would be authentic... whatever that means. And pray, too, that as we embark on a new season, one filled with unspeakable joy, that I will have wisdom and maturity to open my heart and my arms to embrace the new life we are about to welcome into our family.

Thank you all for being one of the many who reached out to Conor and I over the last twelve months to carry our burden. Your letters and cards and e-mails and even - of course! - comments on this blog, have meant more to me than I can express. I am forever altered by the way you have loved me. It will always shape the way I love others from now on and it will give me strength as I continue to walk this path the Lord has called me to.

With deepest gratitude and sincerest affection,
Boothe







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88 comments:

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

praying for you. God Bless you and give you peace...
-Jenni

chrys said...

praying for you right now.

Melanie said...

Praying for you tomorrow. Our one year anniversary (we just passed the 2 yr mark this month) was less horrible than I expected, but still not an easy day. I understand completely your prayer that your grief be authentic, whatever that means. For me, the days leading up to the "day" were much more emotional and difficult. Do what you need to do and don't feel guilty about whatever you feel, even if that happens to be joy or even just nothing. Praying for you.

Melanieshea said...

Boothe,
I am praying for you and Connor. I pray that you both feel God's arms wrapped around you tomorrow as you re-live one year ago. God Bless you!
With Love,
Melanie

Elizabeth said...

I hope and pray for peace in your heart tomorrow.

jackie said...

If need be, just sit still and let God love you. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Gillian Peabody said...

Will be grieving with you tomorrow, remembering both our little treasures waiting for us in heaven. I can relate a little bit to the suppression of grief and have wondered how much to just let it take over. I'm reassured that I'm not the only one wondering about that.

mom22girls said...

Copeland has been on my mind the past few weeks and now I know why. I will keep you and Conor in our prayers for tomorrow and the months ahead. You too have left me changed by Copeland's story and your journey. The pebble thrown in the pond create many ripples that we may never see but they are still there.
The Tillis'

emily said...

went back and rewatched it myself...
How can strangers move us and make us feel so much emotion? It all speaks to me of our eternal heritage-- brothers and sisters all...So, my heavenly sister, I pray for peace for you and your little family. I am deeply grateful for your story and the blessings it brings to my life.

Off to go blow my nose and wipe my eyes... and kiss my baby boy.

Abby Euten said...

Prayed for you right now and will continue for the days to come. May the Lord wrap his arms around your sweet family and give you undeniable comfort and strength-I'm SO sorry for the pain you feel, wish there was more I could do.

Sarah :) said...

Boothe, when we lost our son just over 4 years ago, I found myself feeling very much like you have described. The first 6 months were agonizing....the next 6 months had a different feeling. Not agony anymore, but....I wish I had your eloquence with words....I just felt like I had sort of begun to come out of the cloud. There were still awful days, but overall, I could see and feel and taste once again that the Lord was good, even in my pain.

The day that would have been his first birthday was very, very sad...but not nearly as sad as the days leading up to it. For me, the anticipation of the unknown milestone was very difficult. The actual day was more about celebration......I am praying the same for you.

Happy birthday, sweet Copeland. Can't wait to meet you someday.

-sarah (keely's adoption friend)

Rebecca said...

So much love to you... we haven't forgotten Copeland. And we won't. Ever.

Darby said...

Boothe {& Connor}, I'm praying for y'all today and I'm remembering the impact that sweet Copeland left on this earth! I pray for peace and sweet memories of her time here on earth.

Terry said...

Dear Boothe and Connor,
I hope and pray that this day will be easy on you, you are still on our prayer list at church.
I pray for God's gauidance he will give you the strenght to see all of you through.
Our thoughts are with you. Im glad your blog came into my life.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Praying for you today. remembering your sweet girl.

Yvette said...

Boothe,

I have been thinking and praying for you this week, realizing today would be Copeland's 1st birthday. It's been almost 8 months since Tristan passed away and I agree with you, although there are still sad/hard days, it is much easier than the first few months. Thank you so much for sharing your story through this blog. This is the first blog I found, just days before Copeland was born, and I have followed it every day since. As you know, through your blog I found Angie's story. Her friendship means so much to me, and it is the one that helped carry me through my pregnancy and allowed me to meet the other girls that have also walked this T-18 journey with me.

I hope that today will be a sweet day of rememberance as you reflect on the precious life of Copeland.

Congratulations again on your pregnancy. I look forward to seeing how the Lord uses this new life to bring restoration to your broken hearts.

Love, Yvette Hostetter
www.tristanasher.blogspot.com

dana said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you and Conor.

The Wade's said...

You are in my prayers...

Emily said...

Dear Boothe,
I will be praying for you today as you deal with this joyous yet sad day! I remember finding this blog around the time Copeland was born & I was so moved by your story. I cried when you described sweet Copeland & her noises & how you felt when you woke up in the morning & could hear her & knew she was still with you. I have checked this blog many times throughout the past year. I am amazed at how open you have been about your journey to this point. I will pray today as I have throughout the past year & I hope that you find some joy in knowing that one day you will get to hold your sweet baby again.
Congratulations on the newest little member of your sweet family! I was so excited for you a few months ago when you announced that you were expecting again & I prayed for you when you went for your ultrasounds. I hope that there is nothing but joy in the last couple of months of your pregnancy & I hope that when you meet your new little girl that you remember the beautiful days you had with Copeland.
Love in Christ,
Emily

Baby Leino said...

Boothe, you will get through this. My prayer for you is that Thursday will be a precious day for you & Conor, that you would feel God's deep love & pleasure in you, & that He would continue to hold you close as you sort through the emotions of the day. Just one month ago, we remembered our Isaac on his birthday. I can tell you from experience that God meets you in that unusual place in a profound way. He'll get you through.

You & your family remain in my thoughts & prayers.

::Patience

mrsrubly said...

i have come from Kenzie's site and just wanted to let you know that i am praying for you and Conor. may God be with you and your heart restored to strength and peace on blessed day. bonny in TX

Laura said...

Though I've never met you, I stumbled across your blog some time ago, and I wanted to let you know the story of your journey has been one to challenge me and encourage my faith through your honesty and trust in God. I will definitely be praying for your family today. God bless!

Jennifer said...

Thank you for opening your heart to us. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Sunshine Eyes said...

Thanks for checking in, Boothe. I'm praying for y'all today, as you remember and imagine and cry and pray and then do it all over again. In my grief, I'm comforted a bit that there is not one *right* way to mourn. My actions aren't prescribed for me. I believe that for you, too. Whatever you need, whatever feels healthy and God-honoring today, that's okay.

I pray it's a holy day.

Mindi said...

I have never commented on your blog after finding it from a friend’s blog right after Copeland was born. I have honestly not stopped thinking about your family since that day I watched the video. Mostly crying, praying, and hurting for you and your family. I visit your blog often and am so encourage by your honestly and tremendous comfort that you have in Jesus. I know that you have felt all the prayers over the last year, but just know you have been just as much as an encouragement of how to stand firm in Jesus. Praying that this day you will be surrounded by Jesus.

kaci said...

your strength is amazing. i think of you often and can't imagine the pain you have felt over this year. a good friend mallory harris prayed for ya'll in our bible study and from then i have prayed for ya'll. i am so thrilled for your new blessing on the way, when are you due?? i have kept up with you for so long. i went to auburn and was an adpi, my name is kaci kelley holland. i am cousins with wes kelley/selwyn kelley. you're in my prayers. kaciholland@bellsouth.net/kacikh.blogspot.com

Ashlee Tomes said...

Boothe,
It was just 3 weeks from now that I was given led to your blog by a friend. My London had been gone for 3 weeks when I "met" you. Just as today marks Copeland's first birthday, I can say that I made it through Sept. 11 when my baby girl would have been 1. I made it through Sept. 13 when she was taken from us, and I made it through Sept. 17 when I remembered her tiny white casket with pink roses as we buried her. I say this to you simply to show that you're not alone, and that just as all the other hard moments have passed, these moments will pass also. I find that I have a new "peace" now that the year anniversaries have passed. I finally feel like I can move forward. I am due with a baby boy in March, and we have found that his heart has 4 healthy chambers...praise God! London had HLHS, so this was a major relief for us! God is good. I will have you close in prayer today and the following week as all of those memories are so fresh in your mind. God bless you!

Ashlee Tomes
ashlee.tomes@hardin.kyschools.us

Allyson said...

Dear Boothe- I've come to your site from my friend's "his way not mine" and your story has touched me as I've read along. I pray for you this day, that you will know HIS peace that surpasses understanding. May you have comfort as Jesus wraps HIS arms around you.

Sandys2girls said...

Boothe and family,
First of all I am thinking of you and keep you in my prayers!!
HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY SWEET BABY COPELAND!!
She is happy in heaven and my 13 year old cousin Dalton who passed October 5th 2007 is playing with her and loves her.
LOve,
Sandy in Va

Jill Garcia (Smith) said...

Boothe,

I'm thinking and praying for you today sweet friend! May you find the joy of the Lord in the midst of today's seemingly unbearable sorrow. Can't wait to meet precious Copeland someday. I'm sure the Savior is holding her in his arms today, just as He is doing with you!! Love you and miss you!

Jill

Violet said...

Praying for you on this day! Praying you are able to have Joy and Peace as you remember holding your girl for the first time. Praying you have the freedom to spend it whatever way feels important for healing and coping.

donnyandkim said...

Boothe,
I starting reading your blog through a link on sweet Joseph Peabody's blog. Gillian and I are friends from college. Anyway, your little Copeland impacted and is still impacting me from miles away in Orlando, FL. God has used you and your family's story to deepen my walk and dependence on Him, to grow as a mother, and to grow in compassion for those who are hurting in ways I can never imagine. Thank you for your honesty and for allowing others to enter your journey in tiny ways. I will pray for you today...lifting up your name to the Father who is holding Copeland while you wait to see and hold her again.

Elizabeth S said...

I will be praying for you.

Devin said...

Thinking of you all and praying for you today.

Tina said...

{{{Hugs}}} and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Praying that today will be whatever you need it to be and that you will feel God's love throughout the day. We love you.

Happy Birthday Copeland. I bet the cake in heaven is way better than down here. :)

~Carly

Michelle said...

Hi Boothe, I just wanted to tell you that I have been reading your blog, have been touched by your words, have agonized for your unspeakable grief. I pray for you. I will continue to pray. Your words have touched my life in deep, deep ways.
I wanted to tell you, too, that when i was 3, my own baby sister was born, and lived for exactly 8 days. That was in 1979, and I have never forgotten. I would rather have had her then not have had her; having had her has enriched my life forever, even as I have always grieved for her. I HOPE that offers you...something? I don't know what.
If you ever want to read it, I wrote a post about the experience on my blog, and i titled it "Sisters...what a concept" about the way the Lord uses things and brings us full circle in certain ways...
Love, and many prayers, and please remember that you are not forgotten, Boothe,and neither is your beautiful Copeland.

Mandy said...

Hi, Boothe. I think of you often and check in here to see if anything is new. I understand your feelings so well. I have just begun to realize and understand that I have surpressed a lot of grief. Some days it just hits harder than others, for whatever reason. Praying for you and your sweet family. I know you are getting ready to meet your sweet new baby girl. What a bittersweet time that will be.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracefoundation.com

Laurie said...

I love you and Conor Boothe, and I will be praying extra special for you tomorrow. I ask the Lord to gently carry you through as you remember with tender hearts, this wonderful little blessing named Copeland Fair.
She has touched so many lives, mine being one of them. May you all feel His loving Hugs tomorrow as He loves you so much.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Marie Lanathoua said...

Boothe, I check yu blog often and wonder how you are all doing, gosh a year has gone by so fast, and it seems as if was just yesterday....your an inspration to us all Boothe, you faith, your love for the Lord, I pray that you get through this time with happy thoughts of your angel in heaven.
Love,

Marie
Lake Arrowhead, Ca

Just Me said...

I have only checked in few times since I first found your blog a little over a year ago, but am glad I found my way back here today. Praying for you as you celebrate Copeland's first birthday.

Take care,
Amanda

Amy said...

I hope that you were able to get through the day. You are truly an inspiration!

Trinity said...

Been praying you on all through the day...hoping that the Lord revealed Himself to you through a deep sense of peace.
Trinity
www.journeyofgriefandhealing.blogspot.com

Emmy said...

I am praying!

thetalbotts said...

I have never met you, but I feel like I know your family from reading this blog. We found your blog about a week before we lost our 27-day-old daughter, who had Trisomy 13. I truly appreciate your honesty & transparency. Reading what you went through when Copeland went to be with Jesus really prepared us for what was to come with our Elliana. I wish I didn't know exactly what those "blue spells" were, & how it feels to see someone take your tiny baby's lifeless body away from you, but I do, and somehow it's a comfort to know that I'm not alone. My heart aches for you, and I weep for you. I will pray for our sweet Lord to continue to hold you & your precious family as you face new challenges every day. Thank you for the ways that you have blessed my husband and I without even knowing it.

Judy said...

Aren't we glad that we have HOPE!!! One day we will all be together and we will never have to say goodbye.. Our prayers are with you...

Anonymous said...

I remember Copeland.

I just wanted you to know.

:)

Love,
Karen in TN

Anonymous said...

We will always remember. Peace and prayers for your entire family.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Happy Birthday Copeland. You will always be a blessing to me as I met you when I started this journey myself. I will continue to pray for your family, esepcially your Mommy. I know you are so happy in Heaven.
With love
Kim

Laurin Maddux said...

Praying for you guys more than usual over the next few days. I have been thinking about you guys because the other day I actually met one of the nurses that cared for your sweet Copeland. She could not say enough wonderful things about your family. Copeland's light continues to shine.

Amanda said...

praying for your family tomorrow and that you will experience all the Lord wants you too.

Beav's Wife said...

Thinking of you and praying for you still...

The Sinks said...

I still check your blog every once in a while (even though I don't know you), and although I am a day late in reading this, I know the grief and the pain are still there. And I will be lifting you and your family up in prayer during this season of remembering Copeland this time last year. May God's Spirit comfort your hearts.

KM said...

Still praying for you. Wish we could physically take away the pain...will pray that your feelings are lessened and that I might carry even a bit of what you do to lessen the load.

Kristi in Texas

Laurie said...

Remembering Copeland this morning as I pray for you to rest in Jesus' loving arms on her first birthday. May you feel His loving hug on your family today as your memories flood your hearts. Asking for His peace for you today. I love you.

Laurie in Ca.

Candy said...

Happy Birthday, Sweet Copeland. I'm sure she's sitting up in Heaven, in Jesus' arms, enjoying her first piece of birthday cake.

Boothe, Conor and Sellers-I keep you all in my prayers now and always. May you always find God's peace and comfort.

milehighmom said...

still checking in on you, more than a year after I began following your story. praying for you even now, that you do find the Joy amidst the pain and sadness. although a difficult one I am sure, I hope yesterday was better than you had imagined.

Randi said...

Sweet Boothe,
you are in my prayers, thoughts and on my heart.
Randi Booth

Heather said...

I am still praying for you and your family! Thank you for continuing to write and express your grief. I know it probably seems weird to you, but understanding your grief has helped me understand my own. God Bless!

Jen said...

Dear Boothe, I'm praying for you today. I'm a little muddled with the time zones, so I'm probably late, but I'm sure the grief just didn't stop when it clicked over to the 19th.

The year seems (to me) to have gone so fast. I remember how I left my computer on your page nd refreshed it every five minutes for 8 days. I would be woken in the middle of our night to pray for you and sweet Copeland. I never knew my heart could hurt so much, or that I could cry so for someone I had never even met.

God brought me to my knees for you. Copeland became such a household name, and my husband would ask after her. He never read anything, as it hurt him too deeply to think of such a tiny little thing going to the Lord, but he did watch her memorial video when I sent it to him. It 'messed him up' as he put it. Copeland is very dear to our hearts, here in Darwin, Australia. I still talk about you, Boothe, and Conor and Sellers. I miss your posts, but I understand that with this new fluffy pink gift arriving, you must be so busy! I hope you are enjoying it, Boothe.

Copeland will never be forgotten, of that you can be sure. She was, and still is, a very special, precious little lady.

Sarah-Jane said...

Hi Farleys,
This is Gillian's sister. I am thinking about you all early this morning. I watched little Copeland's memorial service video. The song was beautiful.
Such different circumstances,(Joseph and Copeland) but both filled with so much pain and hope.
I know people say that time heals, but I am sure that the pain is still very fresh at times.
praying for you all that you would be comforted by the hope of what is to come and when you will be reunited with Copeland.
Hope your 3rd little girl is growing healthy. Thanks for sharing

Sun said...

You have been in my thoughts and prayers this weekend. I am on a break from the computer but had to do some things for a Bible Study I am in so when I got on I had to check your blog -

You guys are in our prayers! Sunshine

Jennifer said...

You & your family are in my prayers.

Allison said...

Boothe, Conor and Sellers,

I want you to know that Copeland's life forever changed me. The special video of her sweet life touched me to the core. My relationship with the Lord has deepened. Thank you for sharing her with me:)

I am praying that you have felt His arms wrapped around you and peace that can only come from Him.

In Christ,
Allison McLendon

Sara said...

I am praying for you. I am sure it was a painful day - I am going to be celebrating Samuel's first birthday in November and I just don't know how I am going to do it.
God bless...

Amy Jo said...

Rembering Copeland with you, your family and friends. I cannot begin to imagine all that you have gone through, but pray that God would continue to pour out His love, grace and presence upon each of you. Sending you love and continuing to pray with you, Amy in OR

Leiann said...

My prayers have been with you and your family this past week.

Marie Lanathoua said...

Farley Family,

Your in my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Love,

Marie

THAT GIRL said...

What an amazing journey. May God hold you in the palm of His hand, today and always.

takingheart.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

How very blessed all of your children are to have you as parents. God Bless, Pam, South Bend

Marie Lanathoua said...

Thinking of you all today and always.
God Bless you all

Love,

Marie
Lake Arrowhead, Ca

DeHart Happenings said...

i have been reading your blog for quite some time now and have been blessed by your writings and your family. we recently went in for our 18 wk appt for our new litle girl and found out there are 2 cysts on her brain. my triple screen test came back negative, so we are in the waiting game until oct. 1 when i go back. if you wouldnt mind to give some advice on how you got through waiting i would appreciate it. i will be praying for you and your family.

DeHart Happenings said...

i apologize, but if you do write, can you please email me at mey99@yahoo.com instead of posting on the blog? thank you.

paige said...

i'm late commenting ~ i just check here every once in awhile ~ but i wanted to comment on this one. It seems when the anniversaries of my little ones come around, my body remembers even before my mind does... i feel teary & emotional ~ drained... & then i remember, 'it's september...' or 'it's february'.. i know everyone is different, but i think for many women, this sorrow ~ this grief ~ has been wired in somehow ~ & it's coming is as unavoidable as the falling of the leaves in autumn, or the blooming of the flowers in spring.
My husband has noticed this too & even though we treat those days like any other, he usually phones me & gives me those 2 words i need the most, "i remember". Sometimes it is healing balm to have someone remember with you...

Kim said...

You sound like your faith is a lot stronger than you realize it is!
It comes through in your writing and has really blessed me!

Paulette said...

Hey Ya'll.
Wanted you to know I have been faithful to pray for you as you prepare for the birth of your 3rd daughter, I can only imagine how excited you all are. God is so good to allow her to come at Thanksgiving! It truely will be a blessed time. I cannot wait to meet her.
Blessings to your precious family.

Marie Lanathoua said...

Hi Boothe,

Thank you for the card, I am glad you liked it, your such an inspiration to me. I am sure your counting the days, you are in our thoughts and prayers. Have a wonderful day.

Marie Lanathoua
Lake Arrowhead, Ca

Anonymous said...

whats going on- no updates : (
hope all is well

Heather said...

Just wanted to let you know that I continue to pray for your family. Please update so we can know you are doing okay!

writingcanvas said...

I found your site thru Ann's "A Holy Experience" blog and have ready through many pages of it - wept with you and felt your pain. I've had a stillborn daughter, 3 miscarried babies and a 16 year old son leave our earthly home and now awaiting us in heaven. I watched your memorial video - so touching and what a precious little one.

I wish I could give you a hug ~ but I send it thru this, sweet sister in Jesus. My mom heart aches with you, and will rejoice with you when we are all made whole and new in heaven. What a hope we share!

Loni
"When someone comes into our lives
and they are too quickly and quietly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts . . .
and their memory stays with us forever."

LAURA said...

continuing to pray. . .i hope today was filled with peace, hope, and joy as you remember how God has carried you through this year and how he will continue to hold you each moment. . .and what joy he has in store for you as you await another precious child.
Much love to you all,

Laura Penney

Beav's Wife said...

Just wondering how you are... I hope you'll continue this blog. You've blessed me more than you'll ever know. Sill praying...

Julie said...

I've been thinking about you and your family a lot lately. My little girl, Frances, has played with Sellers on the playground and been at the Y with her too. She thinks Sellers is just awesome and has promtly named her baby Sellers. This just shows what incredible strength have to be such a wonderful mom to Sellers, and I know that this baby will also be so blessed to call you mommy. My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

You're in our thoughts, I hope you'll update soon!

Marie Lanathoua said...

Thinking of you Boothe, Conor and Sellers, and dear little Copeland, hope you are all doing well, you are all in my thoughts often and pray that everything is ok.

Have a blessed day,

Marie

Nikki said...

You've been on my mind and heart alot recently. I'm now 37 wks and know you are right in there with me somewhere, getting very close. Praying for all of you and looking forward to hearing a baby update, ssing some pics...and hearing her name! Hoping all is well.

Griswell said...

Its so strange, but for me, its always the day before my Molly's birthday that is the worst. I guess its the anticipation. One thing I've started doing to make it better is that I don't think of it as honoring the day she died. I use it to honor her life..a celebration of her.

Jeannine said...

I check your blog often and I am hoping for an update soon. I pray all is well.