out of the mouth of babes

Praise the Lord for my sweet sister. I guess that's truly what a sister should do - bear your burdens and help you to get through. I am so thankful you all got the update you were looking for and that you might be able to feel some peace, along with us, that for now, we have our precious girl. I apologize for not being as committed today to writing as I've been; I think the exhaustion from last night has set in and despite the rest I got this afternoon, I'm feeling less and less energized.

I did want to tell you that the Lord has used Sellers in a mighty way today. When Conor brought Copeland upstairs this morning, she was anxious tp hold her baby sister. She did, in fact, come in our room when we were just waking up and asked if she could see Copeland. Although she's shown some interest in her, Sellers has also been a little reluctant to embrace the whole "new baby" idea... I think this is largely due to the fact that for so long, we prepared her that Copeland wouldn't be coming home. That we wouldn't change her diapers or feed her. We wanted her to be as ready to let Copeland go to heaven as we felt we would be. That strikes me as a little bit of a joke now. But we did what we could at the time! Last night, Sellers went to Conor and asked him if they could talk. She wanted to go and sit in a couple of armchairs downstairs - this was a specific request - and when they got there, she looked at her daddy and said, "Daddy, why does Copeland have to go to heaven?" He explained that she was sick and that Jesus would heal her completely, that she would get to run and play and do all of the things little girls should be able to do when they are healthy. We have been talking a lot about salvation with Sellers and what Jesus did for us on the cross, and Conor reminded her that when He died, He saved and healed all of us and that if we will believe this, we can go to heaven, too, because He loves us that much. She seems to supernaturally "get" this as best as a 3 year-old can.

I am deriving such strength from the way she's handled thnigs with her precious sister. I clung to the countertops in the bathroom today, I guess in the midst of a slight anxiety attack, and cried out to God, "How do I let Copeland go while at the same time try to mother her? How can I love her this deeply and still allow her, every single moment, to have the permission to leave me when You call?" Sellers seems to understand that her sister won't be with us for long but that while we do have her, we are called to love her and to make her happy.

We did get a visit from hospice care this morning and to his credit, Conor handled the situation much better than I could have. They are the ones we'll call when Copeland does pass, and they are the ones I will ultimately have to hand her precious little body over to. I hate them in a way. Sellers sat in the living room with Copeland in her arms, daintily stroking her cheek with the corner of her silk blanket. She looked up at me and said, "She loves it when I rub her cheeks." I sat down beside her and watched as she loved her sister for me, as she poured out her little heart and soothed Copeland when I felt so in despair that I didn't know how to. Then, she reached up and lovingly stroked my arm for a few seconds. "It's gonna be awight, Mama," were the words she spoke to me. How a three year-old can possibly know what her adult mother needs to hear I'll never know. But praise Jesus that she's been given something I cannot fathom, something I would no more give her the credit for a few months ago than learning to drive a car, and something I realize the Father knew I'd need from her so desperately that without it, I am weaker and less of the mother He intended for me to be.