Wednesday, August 22, 2007

keeping awake

My heart is so filled right now that I don't know if my fingers will type fast enough! I don't really have an agenda for this entry, although I know sometimes that lends itself to authenticity that otherwise might be missing from my words. I have to confess, as my little girl plays in the next room and "Robin Hood" blares from the television, I am hardly in a place that I would've expected to generate anything remotely coherent in my writing. Still, the words come of their own accord and I find that rarely will they return if I don't stop to set them free...

I know many of you check this daily, wondering what we're up to... what we feel... how we are coping. I want you to know that after August 3 (a date I remember vividly, as it was right before my birthday and also the worst I've had thus far), the Lord has quite literally been carrying me. The words sound contrived, I know. And perhaps, were I standing in some other season in life, I might doubt their possibility. All I can tell you is that I am doing well. Sad, yes. Disappointed. Still fragile. And scared of where we are headed. But somehow, the last few weeks have been not only tolerable but in a way, quite like "normal" living. I don't know if you would categorize this as emotional numbness. Maybe. I have told Conor that I am often sure God means to give me a "break" for a little while before the true struggle begins - the calm before the storm. Perhaps. I do know that He is leading the way into battle, so despite the quaking in my spirit and the weight of my own weariness, I will follow Him, if for no other reason than because my own fear drives me toward Him, unsure of the darkness I will face if I even attempt to turn away.

Thank you for the cards and the e-mails and the phone calls. I've met some of you for the first time since this journey began, and as I tell our story, your eyes well with tears. I am in awe at your tenderness, at how God somehow gives us the ability to feel for others when we haven't walked down similar roads. It is one of the mysteries of the human heart that I don't think all the science in the world will ever decipher; there is no reason for true compassion other than the Creator. These encounters are what keep my spirits bolstered. To have Copeland remembered is precious to me. This must be how our Father feels! I am convinced - because even I feel this way - that He is unconcerned with our words, unconcerned even if they are clumsy or insensitive. I believe He simply wants us to remember His Son. Even this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I uttered a silent prayer that I have no idea how He intends to answer - "Keep my heart tender enough not to forget You." When Jesus prayed before His death, "Father take this cup from me," His disciples - His best friends - were a short distance away, sleeping. Though it was their sorrows that had driven them to exhaustion, even then, Jesus asked them to remain awake so that they would not fall into temptation. Perhaps there is a temptation in sorrow, a small enticement toward sin in our own grief. Perhaps it is the temptation to dwell so much on the heartache in our own situations that we forget the Lord.

Please keep praying. Pray we, too, will be equipped to remain awake. That we will not give sway to the deep emotions that will surely cause our world to rock in the next short weeks and months. Pray we will remember that truth does not dwell in the way we feel. Pray we will be kept from the temptation to spoil Sellers in the enormous desire to medicate our own grieving hearts. Pray that Conor will be prepared, even without realizing it, to lead us through the fire. Pray we will be united in our marriage and as parents, that Satan will have no foothold in our relationship at any moment. Pray that the time we have with Copeland will be blessed, precious, and that the Lord will take her home quickly, that our hearts will not be trampled with the agony of wondering, for too long, when her moment will come.

We love you all...

8 comments:

Laurin said...

Conor & Boothe, After reading each one of your entries, I must finally tell you that I am praying!

(I am a long time friend of Mary Faith, as well as Angie...)

Mandy said...

I am praying too!

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegrachopkins.blogspot.com

Laurie said...

Praying for you too and asking for everything you requested in your post. Really praying for Peace for you during this most difficult time.
Love from Ca. Laurie

tfoss said...

Boothe and Conor,
I continue to pray for you all. I pray for your heart and tenderness and to continue to be bolstered by Him and all that shine His light to you. I pray that all of your needs be met and more!
-Tiffany

Emily said...

Boothe,

There really are no words. You bless me and hold me accountable all at the same time. There is more truth in your words than I believe even you could know. Hold fast to the Lord, even as the boat of your life is rocked violently in the storms to come. He will be there and He will continue to be the only one who can calm the sea. Stay there. Believe that. And cling to Psalm 139:16 when you wonder how long Copeland will be with you. Know that God had them written long before you ever knew her. Cherish every single one of them... just take it from me, every single moment you share will be counted among the most blessed of all your life and you will always hold tightly to their memory, with a smile in your broken heart.

THIS is the day that the Lord has made. Rejoice in and be glad in it. THIS day, you share with Copeland and that makes it a blessed one. Revel in your peace today and let inexplicable joy of the Lord be your strength.

Emily
www.caringbridge.org/visit/millergracecassetty

Suzy Goodman said...

We love you all and continue to pray. The Lord's peace continue to be with you all as you walk this road. I feel privileged to be able to walk it with you by hearing your hearts and praying for your needs, expressed and hidden.

Kaylane said...

Boothe,

David and I send each other email prayers every morning while we are at work and we have been faithful in lifting you and Conor up to the Lord. We continue to pray for healing over Copeland because we refuse to believe that our God isn't capable of blowing the minds of every doctor in your hospital! HE WILL PREVAIL!!!

We love you!
Kaylane Crandall

Anonymous said...

Hi Boothe and Conor. I don't know you personally but a friend asked me to pray for you and gave me the link to your blog and I have been truly touched. I just want you to know that I am praying for you as well, and I think you are both such incredible people. I know God is wrapping his loving arms around you and your sweet, precious Copeland. May you feel his love and presence with you. Blessings!