Wednesday, January 9, 2008

dwell in possibility

"I love You, O Lord my strength!
You are my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer;
You, my God, are my Rock, in whom I take refuge.
You are my Shield and the horn of my Salvation,
My stronghold. I call to You, O Lord,
Who is worthy of praise,
And I am saved from my enemies!"
-Psalm 18:1-3


The night before Christmas, Conor and I drove to my parents house for dinner. As we rode in the car (how strange is it that so many epiphanous moments hit me then?), I began to weep. I hadn't cried much in months. Months. And suddenly, without reason or even explanation, I began to sob. Conor looked at me and asked if I was all right, why I was crying? I remember what I felt then. Looking at him, I said, "I guess I'm emotional because, unbelievably, I feel so delivered." That moment will be forever etched in my memory. How is it possible that, after only a few months since my precious daughter passed, I feel delivered? How does that work? Only God knows. Only He is sufficient enough. Who is worthy of praise? Only He.

Last night, shortly after I fell asleep, I woke in a fit of terror, screaming at the top of my lungs. I've never done this in my entire life. When Conor finally got me to calm down so that I could articulate what was wrong, I told him that, in my dream, I had seen someone - a man - standing beside the bed. And I was practically clawing at Conor trying to get away. We prayed together, prayed over the house, but I woke this morning reminded of one thing: "...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the authorities of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). I am delivered. I am walking in the light of hope and promise and joy and victory. Let me make no mistake in saying that this is a threat. It's a threat to Satan, who wishes to deceive us, to convince us that whatever bondage we're in is permanent -- there is no deliverance to be hoped for. And where there is a threat, attacks are sure to follow. To paraphrase a British theologian, the stronger the faith, the surer the assails will be. Many of you have said that you felt compelled to ask the Father to allow you to carry some of the burden Conor and I were meant to carry during this trial. I have felt that load lifted; I have felt the weight and the agony of it taken away so many times, so unexpectedly. Now it is my heart that is aching, because I know that my desire and my innate sense that this is a story I'm supposed to share is only evidence of the fact that many of you are in bondage. My heart is heavy because of it. I am here to proclaim to you that you can be free. As Daniel was fond of saying, "There is a God in Heaven", and as David said, "[from Him] comes deliverance." Do not think your situation too bleak, your mistakes too many, your own heart too lost..

That night, Christmas Eve, Conor looked at me, after I had said I felt delivered, and spoke words that had more power than I could've anticipated: "Isn't it amazing that you can feel that way even when we don't have another baby?" Amazing, indeed. Let me be clear that having more children is the great desire of my heart. I cry out to the Lord every day, asking for His provision, reminding Him of His own Word which says that "a hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12). To endure every day not knowing, wanting, longing, is often so burdensome that I truly feel its effects physically. I can imagine many, many, share this bondage with me - a bondage that we could easily call "what if?" What if what I most long for is never fulfilled? What if I spend the rest of my life in this place? What if God forgets me? What if He doesn't desire to give me the desires of my heart? Perhaps the bondage is really about control, or discontent, or anger. Whatever it is, I must surrender every day and ask that God help me. Not to quit questioning. Half the Psalms are questions! I imagine Jesus loves to hear us ask what's going on in His mind! I need help believing that, even while the questions remain unanswered, God loves me. He can deliver me from bondage without giving me the desires of my heart. He can fill my spirit without filling my arms with another baby. What a mighty God we serve! May He pour out the fullness of who He is continually, on you and I, that we may experience a deeper, richer, more abundant life - no matter what our hands may hold.

Emily Dickinson wrote, "We dwell in possibility." Truer words may never have been spoken! On this side of heaven, we are continually breathing in the sweet fragrance of hope. There's no telling what God may have in store! We can rest assured it is more and better and sweeter than what our eyes can see or our ears can hear.


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47 comments:

Jenny said...

Hello Boothe. It's nice to see you back. :) I was praying particularly for you over the Christmas holidays. Praise the Lord for His faithfulness!! I will start praying earnestly for another child. I haven't so far, as I wasn't sure if it was your desire so soon. Now that I know... I can! Blessings to you, dear.

Katelyn said...

It was good to see you blogging again and I too will be praying that God grants that desire that resides in your heart, to have another child. How wonderful it is to be delivered.

Heidi said...

I thank God that you have come out of this time feeling closer to God. I know some fall away when situations simillar happen. I pray that God will continually increase your faith this year. I also pray that Joy will overflow you and become contagious to all those around you. May He lead you in peace!!

Mandy said...

Welcome back, Boothe! Praise God for His faithfulness in your deliverance. Your sweet family has been on my mind during the holidays. Thank you for sharing your desire with us. Now we know what we can continue to pray with you about. "Great is Thy Faithfulness, Great is Thy Faithfulness. Morning by morning, new mercies I see."

Laurie said...

Delivered, what a precious place to arrive, praise God. And don't you just know that the minute you claim this out loud, Satan is furious and tries to come and destroy? I can tell him that he has lost this one with you, try as he may, it only sends you straight to the Fathers arms. Bless you Boothe, my prayers have continued for you daily as you face all of the what ifs and questions. Praying that He grants you the desires of your hearts in His perfect time. Copeland will always be a blessing to me as I learned to trust God so much more through following her journey that remains fresh and true, day after day. May joy and contentment fill your hearts as God prepares big blessings for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

happy gram said...

i check your blog daily. your words were so meaningful for me right now. although i'm not within the trisomy 18 community, my family as had similar struggles lately. while not as far down the road, i have to be hopeful that what you are experiencing will be available and felt by others. we are taught and read that God will give us the desires of our heart. when that doesn't seem to happen it is so easy to give up hope. i need to meditate on what it means to have the desires of one's heart fulfilled. God bless you and your precious family. jan (did i tell you i ADORE jeff berry!)

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Praise Jesus for deliverance. And I love the thought of dwelling in the possibility of all this...that is our hope.
Thank you Boothe for claiming victory - this is my hope.
I will continue to pray for you and your family, for your continued peace and victory and for you to have your heart's desire.
With love,
Kim

Anonymous said...

I have missed your writings & was worried about you. I could never understand your loss, until over the holidays we had our own. I am strengthened by your courage. I only pray that I can be as strong.

Leanne said...

I'm glad to see you back.

It's amazing that you posted about the things that you did. I feel so much of what you posted about. i felt so 'in the midst of the battle' today...with one thing and and another, I just felt I was mountain climbing and I didn't want to!! I was discouraged and beaten and weepy....

Till I read your post. Thank you for using your vulnerable state to encourage me, to exhort me, to remind me that, indeed, we fight against so much more than we can see. I feel refreshed, renewed, with new resolve not to DWELL where the enemy wants me.

Your words were just what I needed to hear. I will pray for you, dear one, that God would fill your womb. How gracious and merciful He is, and how he cares about the desires of our hearts!!

Till next time,
Leanne from Longview WA

Anonymous said...

Thank you for continuing to share your heart and your intimate talks with the Lord with us. You and your family were in my prayers over the holidays.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Boothe, you speak so much truth. And such deep truth, I might add.

I'm fairly new to your blog. I think I came in right near the bitter end.

But a few years ago, I had my own walk through the valley. Satan tried to tell me that my grief would be a lifelong prison, that nothing would ever be the same, that I would never be able to move on.

But while a healthy amount of grief is certainly normal, I was stunned when God started to break through the prison walls with joy. JOY! Who would have imagined such a thing? The Newsboys song "Joy" was my mantra that summer, to my complete and utter surprise. (Best line? "The world don't give it, and the world can't take it away!")

AMEN to the truth God is pouring out on your lives. Satan will surely be sorry he messed with you and Conor and your future hope. We serve a God that delights in freedom.

The Rogers said...

I am SO thankful to our Jesus for the place you are now in. it seems that you have walked into a new room and with the new place comes the new challenges. I think satan recognizes that not only has your faith strengthened but your testimony is Powerful and SO encouraging. All who have the Lord God Almighty are a force to be reckoned with and you have withstood this major fire and been refined. I know that that the Bible says we can "resist the devil and he will flee." This is an absolute. not a maybe. Resist him and he must flee. I am a big believer in prayer and praying away warfare. This is what I pray when I sense evil... "In the Name of Jesus, I command anything that is not of God to leave this place and go to the feet of Jesus." I don't want the evil to leave me only to harm someone else so I send the evil to Jesus for Him to decide how to handle it. The Bible says so much about the Power of God in us and that b/c of Jesus the things we can do to resist the devil are huge. I am praying for you.

Martha, a friend of Pat Ward's

Kenzie Stanfield said...

Boothe-

What a beautiful post about being delivered even though sometimes we're still in the midst of the storm! I know you've been praised over and over for how strong you've been through this trial, and while we know it's the Lord's strength, how astounding to know that during the toughest times, claiming Christ's promises, that Satan is still trying to grab ahold of your heart. Keep entrusting it to Jesus and continue claiming those promises... and remember that we are claiming them for you as well... for He surely hears our prayers!

Love and continued prayers,
Kenzie

Anonymous said...

Boothe~

Hello. I, like everyone else, am glad that you are back. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I will continue to pray for your family. May you continue to feel the blessings of peace, comfort, and deliverance that is being sent to you from above.

Jessica said...

Thanks for sharing with us! I love to hear how God is working in other's lives and it is awesome that He has and will continue to deliver you!

michal said...

Hey Boothe. I am so glad to read about how God has delivered you.Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You and your family are in my prayers.

lindsay said...

Boothe this really spoke to me today! Thank you!

ali said...

so so thankful to be praising Him alongside you for what He has done in you.
i think everyone can relate to that heart clutching paralyzing fear of the what if but blessed are those who also walk through that paralysis in order to feel his hand of deliverance and hope over us. that he alone is enough. he alone is good. he alone is faithful.
loving you

Dana Herring said...

Boothe,
I found your blog through my friends Hayden and Callen Martin, and Eve Muntz. I have been reading for months but always felt uncomfortable writing something - but upon reading this I just felt so compelled to praise the Father for His mercies, and also to thank you for your willingness to be so candid and honest. I suppose this is what He meant by "a peace that surpasses our understanding". Your words mean more to me than I could express, and I will keep your precious family in my prayers.

Dana Herring

Wrights said...

The Lord brings you to my mind often and we continue to pray for your family. We will begin to pray that He will grant you the desires of your heart. He is using you in mighty ways. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Rebekah Wright

KrazyMom said...

It is so nice to see a new post from you Boothe. I was thinking of your family over the Christmas holiday and praying for you all.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is to stop asking the "what if's" and fully trust in the Lord's plan! You are absolutely right. We are struggling with that ourselves while trying to add to our family through adoption. Your post has really touched my heart.

I am so glad you are doing well and basking in His love even after all you have endured. God is good!

Phyllis Williams said...

Psalm 37:4 (King James Version)

4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

The mighty God we serve is faithful in His promises! Prepare to receive those heart-felt desires, Darlin...you are delighting yourself in Him RIGHT NOW!!!

I have a new-founded, deep-rooted excitement in my spirit for you.

Bless God!

Much love and many prayers,

Phyllis

Marie Lanathoua said...

Boothe,
Your an amazining woman, God Bless you!

Marie
Lake Arrowhead, Ca

Marc and Charity said...

Wow, thanks for sharing so honestly and openly. Praise Him for what He has done in your life!

So Blessed said...

May God continue to deliver you as you continue on your grief journey. Your sharing of your walk is an awesome testimony. Thanks for sharing with all of us who often think of you and lift you in prayer.

Sun said...

BLOWN AWAY BY THIS. WOW!!!! I have checked back off and on and am SO glad to see a post and was EVEN MORE joyful upon reading the post. I can relate to what you are saying about freedom and release and an attack coming. I will continue to pray for you guys! You are being used SO HUGELY! God's love just pours through your words. Thank you for continuing to post and allow God to use you! Have an amazing day sweet girl - Sunshine

Anonymous said...

SOOO glad to hear from you. I thought I had to be the biggest blog lurker until I saw a new post followed by 26 comments in just a few hours! I have really missed reading your entries. It is so good to hear from you.
Jennifer

Lysa TerKeurst said...

Dear Boothe~
I happened upon your blog today through another and spent quite a bit of time reading through it. I am a published author and would love to encourage you to consider writing a book. If you are at all interested in this,please pop over to my blog and leave your e-mail address. You are truly and amazing writing and a woman who has much to offer.
Sweet Blessings,
Lysa

Amy said...

I too check in pretty often and was glad to see your post today. I'm always blown away by your words. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability... you can be sure God is using it to encourage hundreds of people who have grown to love your family, even if they don't really know you... like me.
I've been feeling burdened the last couple of days, maybe even attacked. Your words encourage me. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

You are very gifted by God in the way that you can write so clearly what you are going through. He is clearly using you for great things. I listen to Joyce Meyer a lot and she has been speaking about much of the same thing. How God uses the pain you go through to release others.

I just wanted to tell you that your blog has been such a blessing to me. Even when you're questioning God, your love for Him shines through.

Express Yourself! Creations said...

Boothe - Not sure if you remember me, Jill from Komo 20 @K-2 (the good old days)! You have been on my heart the past few months and I've felt the Lord asking me to be praying for you. Now that I found your blog tonight, I see why!! I've spent the past hour reading and crying and reading some more. The Lord has been so faithful to you even in this painful season of life. I am SOOO encouraged by you and the way you continue to follow hard after the throne! I pray that the Lord will continue to bless you and your family and give you the desires of your heart! I'd love to catch up more, if you have time...

Your sister in Christ -

Jill Smith (now Garcia!)

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
You don't know me. I'm a friend of Alison Harris's. I was just reading your blogs and wanted you to know that they spoke volumes to my heart. You are spreading God's love through your testimonies. I told God I needed encouragement just yesterday and He answered my prayer through your blogs. I got what I needed because of you pouring your heart out. And I thank you so much. Even though I don't know you personally, I will pray for your desire to have another baby. Thank you again,
Heather Thompson

simonsays said...

This is GREAT, Boothe! Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Sometimes I find it easier to jump to the "worst case scenario" instead of "dwelling in possibility"! I needed to hear this.

Take care -

Julie

Laurie said...

Thinking about you today and praying for your coming week to be blessed as you continue to bless so many through your posts here. They are truly inspiring and make me search deep in myself for improvements I need to work on. Thank you Boothe, you are so loved by me.

Laurie in Ca.

Leah said...

I've missed reading your posts lately- I'm glad to see you're back! I had an epiphany of my own over the holidays, closer to the New Year.

Even though I have a baby on the way, I was living in the experience of losing Abby. I couldn't be truly happy about this child until I was delivered from some of the bondage I was still in. And is it strange to say that "deliverance" was actually frightening to me? Letting go didn't feel like the right thing to do, even though I know it was.

It doesn't mean you forget at all. Ever. Just that you accept it and start to move forward again. I registered for my baby on the way 3 days after my "epiphany," and it wasn't easy, but it was necessary.

Praise God- he is our fortress. He is Mighty to Save.

grey like snuffie said...

from moment to moment we can not imagine what God can, will or could do in our lives--beauty will come out of pain---we just can't imagine

JUST A MOM said...

Bless you Boothe and your family.

Brandi (Angie's Friend) said...

Boothe,
So glad to hear that you have been delivered and are feeling more hopeful. You still have so many people praying for you daily and checking your blog to see if you might've posted. I was glad to see that you had and was blessed to read your words.

Kate said...

hey boothe,

i don't know if you read these comments but if you do there is another family in NC in need of prayers. It's not a T-18 prayer request, but the wife/mother has CF and had an emergency C-section at 24.5 weeks. Gwyneth Rose was born weighing 1.6lbs. Thus far both mom and baby are doing well, but each face a battle. If you feel so led, please check out their website at cfhusband.blogspot.com, i know they appreciate all they prayers they can get.
Blessings!

juliekeefe said...

Deliverance brings you to a new 'home', a new identity, a new reality, a new hope. I am thankful for you and your perspective. Stay close to Him and to your keyboard ;). I am listening.

Wendy said...

So glad to see another post or two. I had stopped checking as often, but always love to stop by to see if you have anything to say. And, you always have something amazing and inspiring and encouraging to say. Thanks again.

Tiffany said...

Boothe,
Thanks so much for filling me up with your words, and seeing the hope that God offers even when hope is deferred. I can so easily fall into patterns of trying to solve life on my own terms when things aren't easy, or turn out the way I hope they would. It is SO encouraging to hear how God is speaking to you. I pray that He continues to fill you up, and that you see Him in the little things of everyday.
love,
Tiff

Tanya said...

Thank you! I needed to read that today!

Blessings,
Tanya

Brave China Doll said...

Hi there,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your heart in this blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

God has truly used your words to encourage me. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for over 2 years and many of your posts and insight capture exactly what swirls around in my head -- especially about hope. There is great comfort in reading words that capture what I can't express myself. Your honest, heartfelt insights on your pain and struggles and still loving God in the midst of it all have been like a balm to my soul. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

Boothe -

I am a woman living across the country from you, yet I can relate so deeply to your longings for more children. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage 3 weeks ago (my first pregnancy) and there are no words for the loss felt of hopes and dreams being taken away. However, in this time of sorrow, I have also felt such joy in a way that is inexplicable - I have felt the truest sense of joy knowing God is walking this struggle with me, and knowing our unborn child did in fact exist and is now in heaven with our Heavenly Father.

I, like you, hold the darkest "what if" fears deep within my heart - what if I have another miscarriage? What if we have to try for years and years to have a child? What if we never can have children? These fears are so scary to me that I almost have a hard time typing them, as if doing so will make them real.

I want you to know, Boothe, that I have great hope and trust in God for your future children and my future children as well. I believe God will bless us both again, and the joy we will experience at that time will be far greater - after being as broken as we have been.

God says "Ask, and you shall receive." Today - right now - I am asking God to bless you and Conor with another child and to bless my husband and I with a child.

Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayers.

Fish Family said...

Oh my goodness! Kadi Prescott led me to your blog and I am so thankful she did! I felt everything you wrote! I felt as though those were my words! I am going through a miscarriage right now and feeling the many things you have written about! Thank you for the comfort you reminded me that I have in the Lord. Amazing!!! It truly amazes me how God puts people in your life at the most desperate of times! Thank you for sharing so honestly! You have reached one woman for the good! Praise God!!!

oliviapo said...

God we serve! May sildamour.com He pour out the fullness of who He is continually, on you malerobuste.com and I, that we may experience a deeper, richer, more abundant life - no matter what our hands may hold.