Sunday, January 4, 2009

i feel a springtime in my soul


i have stumbled over how to open this particular post a thousand times. Not because there's something major that needs saying but, rather, because there's so little to say. Life has taken on that sweetness you feel in a quiet breeze; calm, still, thoroughly refreshing. I once heard that happiness makes for dull artistry, which, if you look at the greatest works of art throughout history, seems quite true. Literature and art and music and dance and poetry and everything seem to be the result of seasons of depression, sorrow, loneliness, heartache. I find I struggle to feel my own voice emerge amidst the joy I'm experiencing. Not that it's gone. But that, for now, it's buried beneath something with a weight I actually enjoy carrying. Like the weight of a child against your chest. It's a pleasant sensation, one that says being quiet isn't such a bad thing.

And yet there's that feeling that I'm not supposed to remain quiet forever. I actually have known for a few weeks now that I'm supposed to be writing, I'm supposed to be sharing what's going on. In my mind I pressure myself, wondering what compelling thoughts I can possibly have to share now, now that all is well - now that so much has been redeemed and transformed. Aside from a few pictures, does anyone really want to know what I'm thinking about? Even if they do, can I possibly deliver whatever it is they want to read? If it is, in fact, true that happiness makes for dull artistry, then you're about to get one heavy dose of humdrum, because I'm deliriously happy.

Emerette is everything I could've hoped she'd be and even more. It sounds so silly, but even her toes are a marvel to me. I find there's nothing I really dread in mothering now, not the diapers or the sleepless nights. Everything with her took on a feel of splendid opportunity when she was born. Each strand of hair waiting to be swept back, each little finger waiting to be held, everything was a symbol of hope and possibility. As I wrote the night before she was born, to go from years spent agonizing, wondering when the Lord would fulfill the desires of our hearts, wondering if He was even listening, to seeing, in flesh, the manifestation of so many prayers and supplications, was perhaps beyond my ability to express. I can only try to liken it to the sensation you get when plunging into a tub of warm water after standing outside on a very cold day. Every limb, every digit, seems to reel - and suddenly you realize you can feel your toes and your fingers and your cheeks are gaining their color again. It's like being reborn. It's like being alive in a new way. As Proverbs 13:12 says, "unrelenting disappointment makes the heart sick"; indeed, it seems to deaden a part of the spirit. "But a desire fulfilled is like a tree of life" - life. The kind of life you might have convinced yourself you'd never know again.

It's particularly cold tonight. We took Sellers to a park the other day to ride the scooter Santa brought her for Christmas. The park looked massive, and i realized it was because I could see farther than usual, with all the trees barren and the foliage that normally lines the ground dead and swept away by winter winds. I saw myself in those trees. I understand that lifelessness. Or, rather, the look of it. Do they know what is coming? Do they realize what gifts have been stored up within their very limbs, waiting to spring forth in just a few months' time? No matter how dead on the outside, there is potential and possibility and hope buried within every naked branch. Such is the God we serve, weaving redemption throughout all of creation, even knowing we might never notice. Despite the cold, I feel a springtime in my soul. And it is worth all the years of winter's chill.


post signature

71 comments:

Terry said...

Dear Boothe,
She is beautiful, IM glad you have written again, and I think you should continue weather it just be what God has put in your life it has helped us all in so many ways. You help other's that you don't even know and bring them hope.
God is an awesome God and IM so glad that you can look beyond the tree's of life.
Emerett is so beautiful along with her sister Seller's I can see some Copeland in her. They are beautiful Children.
I have had you on our prayer list for along time at church. And still do.
May God Continue to bless and thank-you for sharing your life with us.I will keep watching for more post.
God Bless and Congradulations again on a beautiful girl.

Kristin said...

I haven't been blogging for long, but your blog was one of the first that I came upon. I've checked it often, and was so excited to see the new post. We do care what you have to say, even if it's just to post sweet pictures of your precious girls, because those pictures are proof that God delivers peace and he answers prayers. Each one of your girls are just absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing them with us.

I'm so glad that you are doing so well.
God bless,
Kristin from TX

miislasola said...

Thank you for updating, Boothe. Your beautiful post is full of hope, and for that, I am very grateful. I dare to dream the same for my own 'rebirth' in May. Thank you.
Steph.

Anonymous said...

Your post is an encouragement to all who are suffering, or have suffered. God is faithful, and spring will come. :)

Tracy Jones ~ said...

Beautiful! Beautifully written and beautifully hopeful. I don't know if you will remember me, but I met you just before Christmas at the Christmas concert with my Mom, Beverley Sheasby. My Mom and Dad have told me so much about you and what a wonderful writer you are. I was so glad to find your blog today!

I blog as well and it is such a balance to find the time and energy, but I am always amazed at how God will multiply what you give when He is calling your heart to do it. You have a wonderful gift for writing, and definitely have so much to say.

Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
Tracy Jones

Jess :) said...

Boothe,

What a beautiful and sincere post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. No matter what you share, we are ALWAYS here to listen/read and be there for you! :) The girls are adorable and I look forward to many more pictures and posts (when you are able)!

Love,
Jess :)

The Houghs said...

I have been following your blog-I found you through Angie Smith's site. You write so beautifully and your words are inspiring! I have been checking back to see when you would write again...we are here and we love to hear what you have to say!! God bless this time with your precious daughters!

Anonymous said...

Amen. Well said.

Sandi said...

That was a truly beautiful post.

BW 12 said...

I love your post. I have been looking everyday for an update. I LOVE the pictures. Thank you for sharing your beautiful GOD, family, and life with us. You are such an inspiring person. I look forward to more pictures and post.
Mauri - Mississippi

Amy said...

Boothe,

Many of us have been witness to this journey for some time now, we've witnessed the winter chill and now we would like to be able to witness the spring. Just because heartache makes for poetic words doesn't mean you can't find poetry in the beauty of mundane every day life. This is what we want to see now, the blessing coming to fruition, the blossoming tree in the spring. I encourage you to seek out beautiful words about a beautiful life, but I plead with you please continue your journey with us, even if it's just a simple picture that says all the words you can't say. We journeyed with you through the sorrow, please let us journey with you through the joy.

whitney burrough akin said...

hi friend. enjoyed this post.
thanks for your message yesterday. it warmed my heart. can't wait to talk soon.
love and miss you.

Anonymous said...

Boothe,

your writing leaves me speechless. You paint the most wonderful picture. I can actually SEE it as I am reading what you are saying. You have a gift and I hope and pray you continue to do so. I have no children of my own yet and hearing you talk about enjoying every strand of hair and even her little toes has me long for the days when that will be me. I love the illustration of the trees, how TRUE! thank you again for posting your thoughts. they are appreciated.

have a great day. :o)
Shelley J.
Colorado

Pam said...

Don't stop sharing. For the Lord is abundantly present in what we consider "humdrum". He is ever present, and in our writing we bring the glory of His very presence to the forefront. May the Lord continue to allow your words to ooze and and spill forth . . . a written banner of praise. For His banner over us is love . . . in the joyful and in the pain.

Record both. They are both important. They are both precious. They are both examples of His presence and His presents.

Thanks for the update, dear Boothe.

Baby Leino said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Baby Leino said...

It warms my heart to hear this new joy in your words. Our family is celebrating this new season of spring in the Farley home. You've been on my mind often these past few months as we too recently learned we are expecting again. Hopefully this journey will end as sweetly as yours has.

Blessings,
Patience Leino
www.leinolife.com

cristina said...

That certainly was not "dull artistry." Thank you for that wonderful post.

Congratulations and may God continue to bless you and your family.

Becky said...

Boothe, that was perhaps the most beautiful blog post I've ever read. I know the pain of winter, and I'm in the middle of embracing my spring. Thank you for expressing so eloquently what I, too, am feeling. Please don't stop writing -- you have a gift.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Tonia said...

I am basking in your happiness right now.

Tonia

Jessica Kenney said...

I am so glad you wrote again! What an encouragement you and your family are to all of us.

Whitney said...

Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your thoughts.

Lisa said...

love the picture! you need to add more pictures to your blog for sure! :) and i think your newborn has more hair than my 10 month old. :) your girls are beautiful just like you!

Rachel E. said...

Of course we want to know what you're thinking! I'm so glad that you're doing well, Boothe, and look forward to reading your future posts and seeing more pictures of your beautiful Emerette (and Sellers, too, of course!). Happy New Year!

Tillie Parmar said...

Isn't it amazing that we bind ourselves by our limitations and our ability to percieve others. I see that you have allowed God to speak through you, and your time of joy is far from dull, it is marvelous. As well as the spring time, your joy reminds me of the sky after a terrible storm, probably the most spectacular sight in the sky, but it only comes after the fearful storm disipates. Thank-you for sharing Boothe, there are so many listening.

Tina and Russell said...

Dear Boothe,
Please do not think that we want to hear what you have to say! God has given you a great gift and those of us who have been on this journey with you when it seemed like God was not listening, want to share in the glorious gift that he has given you and your family.

I was so happy to see an update and the precious picture of Emerette and Seller's. How priceless this all is, and it is by God's grace you'll are experiencing this (and we get to through you).

Thank you for continuing to share the journey with us! You offer such encouragement even in what you feel is the simplest of posts.

With Much Love from KY

Nai Nai said...

I am so happy for your family. I have gone to your blog daily awaiting news and pictures and just wondering how you and the baby were doing. God is awesome and yes I am so glad you could look beyond the trees and find happiness again. You have two beautiful girls and I can see Copeland in them both. God bless your family. You are an encouragement to all who suffer or has suffered a loss.

Sun said...

I am SO glad you wrote and posted - your heart is so very precious. I am SO happy for the hope and joy that has sprung forth. You and your sweet family are SO very precious! Sunshine

Emily said...

Oh Boothe, this is water to my thirsty soul. You have no idea how I just hung on every word, wondering what life "on that side" must be like... as I sit here six months pregnant with my sweet Abigail, eighteen months past the day of letting Miller Grace go. Every day that my precious daughters thank God for "Miller Grace and Baby Copeland" I smile and thank God now that He has sent hope in the form of a little Emerette to your arms and to your life. I am so very happy for you and so thankful just to hear what beautiful seeds of hope He is scattering throughout your life. You're right. Being quiet doesn't seem so bad. ;)

Julie said...

It's so good to hear from you, Boothe. Your words have moved me so much...you are a gifted writer and a wonderful mother to all your girls.

Thinking of you...and sharing joy with you!!!

Elizabeth said...

Boothe,
I have been following your blog since the very beginning and want you to know that this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Ironic that when you felt you didn't have anything to write, you wrote, in my opinion, the most inspiring post yet. Thank you and congratulations on your precious baby girl.

shannon said...

The last paragraph of your post reminds me of this verse: Isaiah 43:19-"Behold, I will do something new! Now it will spring forth, will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."

Thank you for sharing words that breathe life and hope into weary souls!

Marie Evelyne Lanathoua said...

Dearest Boothe,

Your a special lady and God had blessed you with such a talent, there is a vision in your words, I love that I can picture what your writing and I feel it in my heart as well, it is a feeling hard to describe. Your daughters are precious, your a beautiful family and deserve nothing but happiness and joy. May God Bless you and your family this new year. Thank you so much for sharing.

With Love,

Marie

Ashlee Tomes said...

Yes, Boothe, as always, what you have to say is fulfilling and appreciated. Thank you for sharing. As we have been on this journey together, so to say, after losing my London on 9/11/07, I have gotten so much encouragement and hope from your experience and your story. I am 32 weeks pregnant with a little boy, and your post today just encourages me so much that there will also be "springtime in my soul" as well. I cannot wait to experience that true joy again. God bless you and your family. Your girls are beautiful!!

Ashlee Tomes
Ashlee.Tomes@Hardin.kyschools.us

Grammy and Olivia said...

Those are some of the most beautifully expressive, hopefilled words I have ever read.

Meg Wingfield said...

Dearest Booth,
I appreciate your eloquence in expressing your heart that overflows with gratitude and joy. I can understand your apprehension in writing posts now that all is well and seemingly boring to us all. I assure it is not. I assure you your words still inspire and convict. I assure you that the time spent writing glorifies our Maker.
Someone said it best to me one time....every house has its own set of pains. As we trudge through ours, I thank you for words that speak to me and remind me that we do have a faithful and loving Father who will not forsake us not matter how lonely we may feel.
Congratulations on sweet Emerett. We would love to take a trip to Nashville and see some of our favorite people.
Love to you all,
Meg Wingfield
megandjaredwingfield.blogspot.com

MMM&M said...

oh, I'm so glad you posted!!! I have MISSED you! I am so glad that the baby is here and healthy. and those eyelashes on Sellers-- oh my goodness... they are both gorgeous!

the brown's said...

beautiful words.
beautiful picture--beautiful girls.
beautiful Saviour!

praise God for "springtime!"

love to you all!!
xoxo

Judy said...

You have such a gift of words!
Thank you for sharing!
Enjoy every minute!

Sarah-Jane said...

loved reading your post, and to hear from you again even though I don't know you and have only seen you from afar once at Joseph's funeral. thanks for posting. I always check it.

Angie said...

Please keep writing....I'll be reading.

Sam and Brian said...

Oh, how your words move me. I know without a doubt that God led me to your blog in a very difficult season and now that I'm moving into what I believe and hope is a different season, He needed me to read this, as well! You are so so talented and I'm so happy for your beautiful family!!

Paige said...

Wow! Thanks for the update and may spring continue to bloom! Your daughters are beautiful and hearing the "humdrum" of your life is sweet now. I don't know you and you don't me, but I find myself praying for you at odd times and so the updates...even the mundane...are appreciated and noticed!

Many new blooms to you and yours this year!

Connie.deal@aia.com said...

Thank you for writing...and so happy to hear that you are experiencing the sweet joy that Emerette has brought to your home.

beth wingfield said...

beautiful! thanks for sharing your thoughts. congratulations on sweet emerette!

Shawn and Mir said...

Thank you for your words. I found comfort in what you said about the years of waiting on God and wondering when or if He would ever give you a child. That is where I am and have been for a while. I know the Lord has it in His plan for us to have children, but the waiting is so similar to the Proverbs scripture you cited. I'm clinging to hope and trusting that He does not forsake those who seek Him. God bless you and congratulations.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

Praying for you as you continue on this beautiful, amazing, blessed journey called life.

Allison said...

Hi Boothe,
Congratulations! A friend of mine led me to your blog, and I cannot find words to express the amount of comfort I have found in your writing. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant, and we've run into some infertility issues. It's been a hard pill to swallow to suddenly wonder whether or not God will fulfill our heart's desires of parenthood. However, your story is a story of hope and God's faithfulness. You have taught me how to get through a heartbreaking time and believe that life will get better. You've given me hope when I've felt hopeless. We have a loving God, and I believe in my heart things will get better for us. Your story is a reminder of that! :) Please keep posting!

Anonymous said...

I had a friend lose a child today. To nueroblastoma cancer. It is different, surely, than your grief... but be certain that your words did me good --- your words about the lifeless trees, waiting unknowingly with life stored up in their souls. For now I will just pray that, not say it, but thank you for putting words of hope into my otherwise clouded day.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hey Boothe,

It is so good to read your post and hear the springtime that is pouring out of your sweet soul. God has truly brought you full circle and it blesses my heart. This picture of Sellers and Emmerette is just precious. I just love knowing that life is so good for you and your family. What a breath of fresh air!!

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Heidi said...

I am glad you posted. I was patiently waiting and hoping to see another picture of te beautiful girls again. I hope you keep it up. You are an inspiration to me and many others I am sure. I have been following your blog for a while and prayed for you during the tough times. Bless you & your family!

Wendy said...

I agree with so many others. God has giften you with the ability to put into words emotions and feelings that many of us need to hear and be reminded of. During your time of sorrow, it blessed us to come alongside you. During your time of joy, it blesses us to see His redemption.

I, too, follow several CarePages of cancer kids. Recently, several dear families have experienced loss. One of these was the family of Coleman Larson (whose story I began following shortly after I discovered your blog). Coleman fought bravely, but went to be with Jesus, leaving behind a precious, devastated twin brother. Those of us who have prayed for Team Larson, have had heavy hearts. Being a part of Coleman's journey, gave so much more to me than I will ever be able to give back to them. Hearing your words of quiet joy, makes me hopeful for clear sight of God's redemption and renewed joy for other families experiencing loss.

Please don't ever stop writing.

Mary Kat said...

Boothe,
Since I have known Melanie Neilson, I have heard many amazing things about you. Also, I have continued to follow your blog since you have been writing about Copeland. As one who cherishes this ability to write, I encourage you to keep writing. I am so uplifted and touched with every entry you have written. You inspire me as well to write better and to write from the places within the depths of my heart as well. Your story is such an awesome one and I look forward to hearing many other things the Lord has for you. He has so many more surprises ahead for you guys! Just wait! Please keep writing, I am encouraged!
-Mary Kat

daniella said...

I'm so glad to hear from you (as is everyone else)! Even more glad to hear about this season of your life - watching God's glory right on the pages of your blog.

I hope you know NONE of us (I hope, at least) expect you to always be "profound and deep". Not even Jesus Himself was ever that way. I'll never forget that one scene from the Passion of the Christ, at the beggining when Jesus is just a young man and his mother calls him for supper while He's working on a bar table, then as he was walking past her he did something to tease her and poke fun at her seriousness...

Anyways, we'd love to hear the mundanes of your every day life.

much love to you and the girls!

Claire said...

What a gorgeous post. I'm so happy you are treasuring and enjoying this blissful time.

Cxx

Jen said...

Boothe, I'm always so glad to see that you have posted. I still want to hear everything that's on your mind, humdrum or not :)

Anonymous said...

Boothe --

We were at Auburn together. I have read your blog for a while, but never quite understood what it felt like to lose something you loved and longed for... not that I particularly was looking for that emotion. So, I read your blog and prayed for you and your family, but read it like a story, not a life. I've recently miscarried and now understand. Much less, I am relieved to see the happiness and hopefulness in your post today. Your writing is a gift and is being used -- to reach people like me. Please keep writing, even when you think that you have nothing to say, you never know who needs to hear your words. Your post was absolutely beautiful. I long for the springtime that you mention and await your next update. Bless you!

Ashley said...

Hi Boothe,

I started reading your blog back when Joseph P. got sick and continue to read from time to time. I just wanted to let you know that I shared your blog with a girl who is currently pregnant with a Trisomy 18 (and possibly Trisomy 13) baby. If you would like to follow her blog, it is thebenjamites.blogspot.com
I know that your blog will be an encouragement to her.

Michelle said...

You absolutely still have words to write, and they are beautiful, amazing words, and very encouraging to read. I am rejoicing in my heart with you.

Rebecca said...

she is so pretty! thank you for sharing your heart. I look forward to reading your updates! I am glad that God has given you a peace in your soul. isn't He amazing?!?

Michelle said...

Wonderful picture. Wonderful post. I have been following for so long and love updates. Your writing is refreshing! Keep writing, and we'll keep reading.

God Bless.

Laura P said...

boothe-
beautiful words, friend. just amazing. i loved your analogy of warm water against cold skin, and the final word picture from the park of the barren trees waiting possibly not knowing of the joy that awaits when spring comes. I am so glad you are finally experiencing spring, the warmth and joy that come when the spirit is hopeful and renewed. You deserve all of the joy and peace you are experiencing now. Thanks for sharing your thoughs.

Randi said...

I am glad to hear from you.
Love,
Randi

Anonymous said...

beautifully written..I stubbled upon your blog awhile back and it is a joy to read. i understand that springtime of heart. i too suffered infertility and then had the great joy to adopt not once but three times and then actually be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby...babies who are longed for are deeply loved...nothing is more beautiful to me than looking in my childrens faces and seeing the potential that awaits..thanks for the beautiful words and congratulations! www.writerwifemonstermom.wordpress.com

Stacey said...

Thank you so much for this post! What miracles our gracious and loving Lord has worked in your lives and thank you for sharing them with us! You have been blessed with an amazing talent in writing and expressing your heart and this post, as many of your posts, touched me in a profound way!

God bless you!

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