I thought I would try this again. It is good for me to be vulnerable in front of the people who are praying for my family so fervently.
I have not cried for my child in about a month and half, and I cannot figure out why. I don't know what to think about myself. Do I not care enough? Do I not fully grasp what is happening? I wrestle with these thoughts because I have yet to understand how grief works in my own life. The other day I think I cried a little: I was thinking about all of the small things that God is about to walk my family through. I don't really know how to take care of some of the details that we are facing now. Do we need to fill out paperwork at the hospital for life support or to instruct them not to resuscitate? How do you set up a memorial service, what do I do with my child when she leaves this earthly home? I hope I do not sound morbid, but at the same time, I do not want Boothe to have to deal with any of this stuff, so I have to step up as the man, right? In moments like these, I really feel like a child. I don't want to call the hospital... it is almost like I'm waiting for my dad or father-in-law to take care of that for me.
I indeed recognize how God is changing my heart and perspective. This amazing little girl who I long to hold is changing my life - she is compelling me to make decisions as a father should for his family. The message at church this Sunday was about spiritual leadership. It was really powerful. The pastor said that there were three main things to pray for in our spiritual leaders: purity, passion, and one other 'p' that is escaping me at the moment (of course, because of my brilliant Diet -Coke-induced memory). But I would ask that you pray for me to lead my family in these ways...in purity, that i would come to my Jesus daily in order that I may honor him with my actions. And that i would love my family with passion. As we come upon these days, I want to passionately encourage and love Boothe and Sellers. I wish everyone who has ever read this blog could meet Sellers - you would understand how much she brightens our days. I am so in love with her.
I never thought that the little things were going to be the hardest, but thinking of them - that is when I am most upset. I understand things when they are tangible, like most men, I think. I am not carrying the baby in my stomach, so sometimes I lose sight of how real and how hard it is on my wife. It's in the little things that life really happens. And I am a little tired of the little things and of life - I truly long to be home with my Father. But at the same time, I am so thankful for the time I have here and the joy I have every morning with my girls. Life is bearable through faith and through God's amazing mercy and grace in our lives. It feels weird saying that we have joy in this time, but we do - a lot of it.
So anyway, my second attempt at blogging is a blessing to me. You are a blessing to me. Tears may not be pouring out of my eyes everyday, but that is okay with me. Copeland makes me proud. I will continue to smile about her sweet life as much as I can.
Conor
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11 comments:
Peace.....your faith in him has given you peace. When are home with your father, Copeland will be the first to run into your arms...Peace, you have found peace.
From a friend in California
Conor and Boothe,
I am lifting up prayers for you right now. Conor, thank you for the blog. Let me know what I can do for you. Hope to see you again soon. With love, Cole
If there is anything I know, it is that there are no perfect words to tell you. I came to you by way of Madeline Hopkins and feel so blessed that I did. I will be praying specifically for you because, though everyone's suffering and grief is unique, there are some similarities between your family's and mine. My daughter, Miller Grace, was born in Nashville a mere seven weeks ago. The Lord graciously let us borrow her for five days, eight hours, and forty eight minutes. It has been quite the roller coaster since then, but one thing has not changed and that is that we would never trade Miller Grace for anyone else. Copeland is fearfully and wonderfully made and all the days ordained for her were written before one of them came to be. She was, and you were, made for such a time as this. (Cling to Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16.) If there is anything I can do or say or anyone I can call or if you need the names of amazing NICU nurses or neonatologists, if you'd just like a glimpse into how all this may happen, please don't hesitate to contact me. This is not going to be easy, but, strange though it may sound, it is going to be blessed. Cherish every single (I can't stres that enough) movement of Copeland's. Lie awake at night and talk to her. Don't waste a second. Love Sellers and make her sister real to her. I, too, have had to face a preschooler (two actually) and try to make sense of something for her that does not make sense to me. You will make it. One breath at a time. You will make it. And no matter how your heart breaks, you will be so much better for having known Copeland and for having her change your life and your heart as only she can. May the Lord bless you and keep you. And may you know that you do not walk this road alone.
Emily Cassetty
www.caringbridge.org/visit/millergracecassetty
The third "P" was protection.
I cannot even begin to relate to the pain you must be feeling these days, but I ran across these verses today and I pray that God will use them to bring some sort of comfort to you. Kaylane Crandall
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you, and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen
1 Peter 5:10,11(NIV)
Dear Conor, Thank you so much for writing your heart today. It sure sounds to me that you have already stepped into the shoes of spiritual leadership and you are working out the "3 P's" as you write. And it is okay to feel like a child in these decisions. The Lord says we are to come to him as children. You are a child of God and He is a Big Father.
He will direct your decisions as He is giving you the peace you need. If you need your dad or father-in-law to help you with the details, ask them. As a parent, I would be honored to help my child in any way and honored to be asked.
It blesses me to know that you have
joy in your family right now. It is a pure gift from God that enables us to rise above the circumstances.
I will pray for it to keep flowing over all of you. Only He knows exactly what Copeland is doing in her mothers womb, but I know He has his eye on her and she is your treasure. I love all children so I know I would fall in love with Sellers if I were to meet her. She has two very special and loving parents. Include her in as much as you can. She might be too young to understand it, but she will not feel left out or in the way. Children are very durable when handled with love. Your family continues to be in my prayers and I ask God to give you strength for each day, joy overflowing, and love to last a lifetime. And for your faith to continue growing.
"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading." Oswald Chambers
~*~Love and Many Hugs from California to you today and always~*~ Laurel
I am a friend of Emily's who somehow by God's grace came across your blog last night by way of her blog and then Madeline's blog . . . but that's not the important part. More importantly know that I will lift you up in prayer from a heart that breaks as I read your words because I know the pain of losing a child. It is a pain no one should endure or be able to understand . . . but our God is a God that understands and also a God that holds us close . . . and I know He will hold you tightly in this time.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 (one of the verses we clung to)
Jennifer Sweeney
www.caringbridge.org/visit/babykatelynn
Conor, I'm not your dad or father-in-law, but I've never wanted to fix something for someone as much as I do now. I long to take this away from sis. I long to take this from you and from Seller and not allow any of you to walk through this. And then I remember the verse that says "He will not give you more than you can bare". I'm not sure I could bare this. I really dont know how you are...but you are. Peacefully, faithfully and desperately. You, sis AND Sel are all prepared for this. My heart aches thinking about the memories I have with Sellers and how much I long to have those with Copeland - and even if that's just holding her one time....its enough. He will give you the strength to walk through all of this. He will give you the ability to know what decisions to make and when to make them. There is no doubt in my mind. He will give you strength to handle this. Your words blessed me today. Thank you for your vulnerability. I love you so much
Conor,, you will hoold the hand of our Lord and all around you will hold you up. Lean just lean,,,,,,
Boothe and Conor,
I vaguely remember you guys from auburn, but i was good friends with mikey white, trip gillander, and alyssa (williams) northcutt. A friend sent me your blog, and i was telling my twin sister about your family yesterday. She felt that God brought this story to her for a reason, and wanted to share her good friends' struggle with you guys to give you hope and encourage you in your faith that God can produce miracles. I would love for you to check out baby Sebastian's website below and pray that it brings you comfort during this time.
http://www.godsmiracleofsebastian.com
Praying for your family,
Becca (Hatch) Smith
Conor,
I respect and admire your willingness to put yourself out there. I am experiencing some similar feelings with our baby about how to handle things and your words were an encouragement to me. Although she may never know it on this earth, I think that Copeland has a father of whom she be proud just as he is of her.
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