Thursday, September 27, 2007

"hey"

It is 8:15 in the morning and by God's grace, I have only now just gotten up. I felt compelled to write something, though I can't say exactly why. People asked me before Copeland was born what I would do with this blog after she was gone, and I didn't know then. I still don't totally know now. She was the heart of the reason why I ever sat down to write anything at all. But ultimately, the Lord has used what He gave me to glorify Himself in mighty ways, so who am I to decide 'I'm done' when this is really His in the first place? He has given me an urge to write; it's almost like without pouring out my heart I remain pent up inside with the ache all the more voracious.

i confess I'm still in a bit of shock, knowing that she's gone. The funeral home came and took her later in the night, so we had some sweet time even after the Lord had called her home. I have to keep reminding myself that from the moment she passed, she was no longer there - the body I so loved to cradle, the cheeks I loved to kiss, even her tiny nose that, no matter what I did, I couldn't keep warm enough - they were no longer her. To say she is in heaven is so cliche to me; it feels somewhat like being told, "Oh, but here's the good news: though your child isn't here anymore, she's in Never Never Land. Don't worry." Though my faith is real, and I do believe, it was all I could do not to chase the car last night as it pulled out of the driveway taking my angel away. Later, in the house, I felt as though I would crawl out of my skin wanting to get my baby. I had been told of this panic, but I hadn't expected it, not really. After all, we've known this day would come for 3 months now. But nothing... nothing prepares you to willingly hand your child to a complete stranger knowing you'll never see them again.

i don't mean to sound morbid or even to depress anyone, although I know I'll find it hard at times to smile or to simply 'go on' as normal, despite the absolute necessity of that at some point. I remember thinking last night that I can't believe I actually fall into the category of people who have endured one of the hardest things life can hand someone. It doesn't seem real. And yet that word - endure - stands out and reminds me that somehow, as I sit in the darkness of my bedroom and hope I have the strength to face Copeland's bassinet in the kitchen, I realize that God is giving me what I can't give myself, what even no amount of Bible verses fail to give were it not first for His Spirit imparting to me an understanding and a thirst for Him. I confess I long to understand - to believe - in what I can't right now. I long to believe heaven is real, that my girl is being rocked by caring, loving arms, that she is absolutely healed from the effects of her cruel disease and that never again will she be hungry or frustrated at her inability to breathe. That she will look on the gates occasionally, waiting for her mommy and daddy to appear. My conversations with God right now are more like those you have with a junior high boyfriend as you pass them in the hall at school: necessary in order to remain in a relationship, but short, probably somewhat insignificant to any on-lookers. "Hey." That's about all I can muster at this point. What do you say to the God of the universe who chose not to heal or save your baby? Who, though they are giving you strength to endure, moment by moment, actually allowed the situation that require endurance in the first place? I call on you to pray for me. I will not turn my back on Him. But words fail me.

239 comments:

1 – 200 of 239   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you.

Carly (NICU Nurse) said...

Praying...continually praying...

Cathy Storms said...

I am praying for you. Your faith and strength are an inspiration to me.

UKNat said...

Thank you. Still praying.

kjb said...

boothe, i will leave this up to HIM to see when you get this. last year during a hard time in my life i heard the best little phrase that i clung too. " He hears my silence" I am again, praying words for you and others are as well. do not feel like you have to say anymore to him, he does not expect anything from you.
Kellie
Fort Worth, TX

Anonymous said...

I will pray for strength, hope and a continued faith that has surpassed any I thought possible in such a difficult time.
All our love...

Anonymous said...

You are such a loving and real mother. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you and your sweet girl.

Anonymous said...

I will pray for your strength as I know that would be right where I would be. It is hard to think He could have saved her but knew this was her plan from the beginning because we didn't think this was her plan from the beginning. I am so thankful you are so honest because it is real and it is what being a God-follower is all about, not just singing round the camp fire but being real. You are SUCH an ENCOURANGEMENT and I am so thankful for you. Interesting that this is the first rainy day since Copeland's birth...it is almost as though all her days here were sunshiny for her to enjoy with you.
I am so blessed by you and will be whispering in the Father's ear all day for you. Love you so much...

D'Arcy

Anonymous said...

I prayed for you this morning. I prayed because of you this morning. Thinking of your family prompted me to pray.

I can't say that I understand your struggle with God right now. But I can tell you that just by putting it on the table like you have is glorifying him. Stay strong.

Time may not heal, but it will dull the pain.

My family will continue to pray for you and your family to heal.

Anonymous said...

boothe,
i can completely relate to your "hey conversation" with God. been there the last handful of years...and what's amazing, is that He will go on loving us anyway. thinking of you and your family, janie

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being "real". Faith is a decision, not something that just feels good all the time. You are being faithful to our Father by choosing to believe, even though you feel so empty. Again, thank you for your faithfulness, your example, and your transparency.
love, Paige Smith

the brown's said...

praying...

Anonymous said...

Praying

sarahdodson said...

Boothe, I pray that the Lord will give you great strength, comfort and a peace of mind through all of this.

"because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee"

Alicia said...

Praying for you and your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, we so love hearing about your journey..the way you share your heart. Pls be encouraged that our God is big enough to handle your hurt, frustration and your anger. He has felt the same way and understands the emotion attached to losing a child. We will continue to pray.
Kristin pierson

Fran said...

Praying for you and your family.
I pray His presence and His comfort embrace all of you. Words are not necessary. He sees your heart. He truly knows your pain and all your feelings.

Comfort and peace be with you,
Fran

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family while you endure what seems more than anyone should ever have to endure. God is listening even when you are silent. And I'm confident that God hears all those praying for you and your family during this time.

Anonymous said...

Never put a question mark where GOD puts a period.

Kelly said...

I am praying.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, What you have shown hundreds of people is that you are real. My friend and I were talking about you yesterday morning and we love the realiness you have shown. You are strong in your faith and none of us will ever doubt that. However, you have shown us how to be real--even though we know God is in control we are still human and have emotions. Emotions and thoughts that only He can help us through. Your words that you use are all the words many of us can't express or are afraid to express during troubling times. But you have shown us it is okay to be open. Your openiness has drawen us all closer to God.
Prayers continuing.... in Franklin

Anonymous said...

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for strength and peace for you and your entire family.

momrn2 said...

I just read this statement from Beth Moore and wanted to share it with you:

"Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief. It is believing an unshakable God when everything in me trembles and quakes".

I woke in the middle of the night praying and continue to pray!

Praying, praying, praying....

Anonymous said...

Continually praying

Anonymous said...

I don't think I've ever had a family that has touched me so much. I'm praying for you everyday. Your Faith is a total inspiration to all of us who are reading your blogs and your close friends and family. We love you and are still praying for you.

EmilyBoo said...

I'm praying for your family.

Anonymous said...

It's okay to just say "hey" for now. He still hears the groans of your heart, even if you are not consciously saying anything! As a human, I have no perfect words, there is no amount of encouragement, no language that could make you stop hurting or bring her back, or make the situation better. This is terrible. It's okay for you to recognize that fact. The Lord knows you're not going anywhere... When you are saying "Hey", He'll be saying, "It's okay."

So many prayers...

Elizabeth S said...

My heart literally aches for you. I have no words to make it better. The Holy Spirit knows you don't have words, so he is interceding for you with groans that words cannot express. The Holy Spirit is groaning for you. I hope you find comfort today. Praying for you without ceasing...

Laurie said...

I pray for your endurance this morning Boothe and for your broken hearts. No cliches here for you this morning. Just praying for your hearts now and in the days ahead. You are understandably drained from this whole year from beginning to chose life for Copeland until this point.
Endure sweet family, this you have been doing, and this is what you will continue to do with Gods grace, one moment at a time. I do not question your faith, I know it is solid as a rock, just crushed under a heavy heart right now. My love and continued lifting you up is yours today and for a long time.
Oh, I pray sweet comfort and peace all over your family and that you take refuge in the knowledge that God is there for you, even if you don't feel like talking to Him right now, He understands.
Kiss sweet Sellers and let her know she is the best sister.
Loving all of you in California so deeply. Laurie

Anonymous said...

Praying for you this morning. This scripture came to mind:


26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~Romans 8:26-28

Know that the Holy Spirit knows your heart and intercedes for you when you can not find the words and know that there are many others interceding on your behalk as well.

Helen Galloway said...

I am thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

B - i've never read anything as poignant, real and emotional as your last post.. your faith is so very inspiring...i'm thinking of you, and praying for you and your family.
linda, tampa

Amanda M. said...

I promise I'm praying fo ryou and won't stop.
Amanda M.

Anonymous said...

Boothe & Family,
Words seem so inadequate right now...but I felt compelled to comment...It's strange how the Lord stirs in our hearts to pray- I didn't sleep a wink last night and so many times in between my lack of sleep I prayed. I prayed for little Copeland, I prayed for you and Conor and Sellers. I prayed that Jesus will fill you with a peace and a comfort that you will KNOW without a doubt that it is from Him. May the Lord bless you and your family during this most difficult time. There are many interceding on your behalf to the Father so even though you can't find the words to say to Him, we are still praying. He knows your dear sweet heart! Bless you all!
Nashville

Anonymous said...

Continually Praying for comfort, rest and strength. Ame-Texas

Anonymous said...

If the pain exceeds the glory, God will not let it happen.

He watched his own Son die. You are one of not many people that might be able to relate to that side of God, since you had to watch your own child struggle and leave this earth. I am so soo soooo sorry.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

Boothe and Conor, may you look forward to heaven all the more, as you live out your life on this earth. Our life here is a mist that appears for a moment and vanishes. I pray you have a blessed life here, but that it seems like no time at all until you are reunited with your precious Copeland. I hope that makes sense. "....a rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne." Rev 4:3b I pray Copeland is loving this beauty in heaven!

Thank you for ministering to me and strengthening my faith in your honesty.

Your sister in Christ in Ohio

Anonymous said...

Praying...God's peace that passes all understanding to comfort you and your family...you are so unbelieveably wise and real to all of us who don't know you! We see and hear your pain, God does too! You are a faithful servant in whom He is well pleased, keep the faith! Love and Prayers, Melissa

Southern Mom said...

Prayers are being lifted up for your family. May God wrap you in His loving arms during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

Be still and know that HE is God. I have never lost a child, but all that you are feeling I would think is completely normal. JESUS interecedes to the Father on your behalf when you have no words or simply don't want to pray. I will continue to pray for peace and strength to carry on...

Rebecca said...

Sometimes "hey" is the best a person can do. God understands everything you mean by "hey": good, bad, and "ugly."

I don't think being told "he's in heaven" right after my husband dies one day, for instance, will make me feel much better either, at least not at first.

If you see this I hope God uses these words to help in some way, even though I feel incredibly inept and unsure about my words.

As to the blog, I hope you'll "stay in touch." As I wrote on my own blog this morning, your family has changed me in ways I don't even know yet. Your family feels like part of my family, even though we've not met.

Much love,
Rebecca

http://www.ramblingsbyreba.blogspot.com

Lindsay said...

I've been asking the same "why" question to the Lord on your behalf. D'Arcy mentioned the rain, when it woke me up this morning, I thought of you and how fitting today was our first rainy day and that all the others since Copeland's birth have been beautiful and sunny. We are mourning with you in the rain and wouldn't expect you to feel any differently than you shared with us here. One thing I know, as christians, it's okay to feel angry, rage and to yell at God, He can handle it and we always know that in the midst of being angry at Him, we can rest in His arms for comfort and peace that passes all understanding. I pray that when you find yourself at your worst, you can simply call out His name and stop there, in Him.

Anonymous said...

Oh Boothe! Although I can't completely understand the horrific pain you are feeling, my heart hurts so much for you and the lump in my throat won't go away.

We will all continue praying for you, lifting you up, encouraging you. But you have to know it is okay to be sad, to be angry and to not understand...none of us understand why! God loves you no matter what and he will get you through this! Don't give up! And remember we are all here praying for you!

Mary Alice said...

Your transparency continues to amaze me. I am so grateful for you, friend, and the impact your faith has on my life. I will pray for you today, I will pray without ceasing. My mind can not comprehend what you are enduring, but as a mom, my heart reaches out to yours - to connect, to believe, to hope.

I believe that God loves it when we just say "Hey". One word at a time - He hears you.


I love you sister, and ache for you.

Anonymous said...

Boothe & Family,

You and Conor have both been so courageous in all you have been through over these last few months. You have set a huge and much needed example for others. You are to be commended that you did not take the "easy" way out. You, along with God, brought your precious angel to life and you have shared her with everyone. You have all touched and changed so many lives. You have all made such a large impression on everyone who has followed your story. Just remember that God has a reason for everything, even though it is so hard right now for you to see or much less understand what that purpose is. To be honest you may never know but when it his will and his time that purpose will be shown. You were blessed, if only for a week, to have had Copeland as your daughter, and she to have had you as her parents and big sister. Your lives have all been changed and eventually I am sure that you will see they were changed for the better. You have all the precious memories and pictures for the rest of your life. I know Copeland's time was so short but just know that you could not have loved her anymore than you do now.. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.....thank you so much for sharing this difficult time with all of us!! You have been a blessing to so many!!!

Prayers always,
Mary Poss

Amanda said...

Sweet Boothe, you have more faith than you will ever know!! I lift you up to Him, the almighty, in prayer that he will comfort you, and guide your paths.

I hope that you continue to inspire us daily with your deep thoughts and faith.

Much love!

emily said...

I first read your blog yesterday morning. It's not often you're introduced to someone's life on one of their darkest days. I prayed for y'all throughout the day and will continue to do so. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. - Emily Hilleke, Monroe, LA

Renée Copeland said...

Dear sweet Boothe,

God doesn't need your words - He feels the longing and suffering in the very depths of your soul. Be still, breathe, look up - that's enough.

Prayers and thoughts continue for you today,
Much love,
Renee

Meg said...

Praying for you. The Spirit within you is praying and calling out to God with groans we do not even understand. He himself is holding you up. Remembering you in prayer throughout the day today. Meg

Danny Iverson said...

My wife and I have been crying and praying for you as we read your blog. Our hearts break for your loss, and we are praying for the Lord to really meet you in the midst of thr Sorrow. He really can, and in the midst of the pain we can look over at Him and see him crying too, becuase in order for His glory to go forth and His precious children to be saved, He wrote into the story of redemtion and death of his own precious son. He can relate to your loss and when we lost a baby last year this brought great comfort to us.
The Iversons, Newark NJ.

Callen Martin said...

Oh Boothe!!! Michael and I are praying!!!

KELLI BELLY said...

God bless you and your family.

Kate said...

boothe and conor,
i am lifting you up right now. i pray that God heals, not the scar of Copeland's passing, because i believe you are right in what you wrote on a previous post, that this is something that you will always bear, i will pray that He heals your heart for Him and that after you rail against Him you fall into Him and find peace in knowing that He did an amazing thing with your sweet daughter's time here. I heard this song a while ago, but I thought it might help explain your heart right now.

Homesick by MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers today.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Becky said...

Dear Lord, Give Boothe and Conor and Sellers that peace that we cannot understand. Keep a constant guard over their hearts and minds. Help them to fully rest in You.

Phil 4:7

Susan said...

Dearest Boothe,

This is my first time to your blog, and what a day to come. I know it was GOD.

He just sent another person to pray for you and your precious family during this time. My heart aches for you...

I was just in Nashville at Beth Moore's Conference, Deeper Still. I wonder if you were there?

She taught on God's goodness, even when we don't understand what's going on.

I went with a large group of women, and there were only a few of us with children who have survived cancer. We are St. Jude mom's.

There was so much healing packed in those 3 days. If you can check out Beth Moore's blog. Hopefully you were there.

I'll keep your family in prayer.

Keep holding on to Jesus!

Susan

Hoosier prayers said...

As you type, as you grieve, as you share your soul with us, know that we are listening. I'm reading and re-reading your words. And when I read I say "oh, I get it" You are helping me be empathetic to others in their struggles. You are helping me 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes" You are helping me. I can only hope my prayers for you and your family help as much.

Tiffany said...

I couldn't not say that I was here- a complete stranger to you who really, really cares. So here I am writing this. I do not have any wise words, as much as I wish I did. I do, however, have many, many prayers for your family, and I will continue to use them up.

I hope it helps in some small way to know that you and your family are being lifted up by so many.

Randy & Rachel said...

I am praying for you! I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. I do know though that God will get you through this. It sounds trite, cliche, but it is true. That is the joy of our faith. When things don't make sense, God is there. When we don't understand, God is there.

Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

mary said...

Boothe-
My heart hurts so much for you. I know you and your family were 'prepared' for this time, but nothing can ever actually prepare you for losing a child-no matter what the circumstances. I know you wonder how the Lord could actually take her-the sweet, innocent angel that Copeland is and was. It was the same for God as He gave His own son up to be put to death. As hard, and almost as impossible as it is, you have to be strong, and trust the Lord did what was best-and he did. Copeland is whole and healthy already-she is an angel up in heaven for all of your family. As it seems the days get harder and harder, you will see your angel. Whether it is a ray of sunshine peeking from the clouds, a gentle gust of wind-she will forever be a part of you, and should not be forgotten-but honored. It might feel like you should just give up-but the Lord never gives us more than we can deal with. He knows you can overcome this and learn from this-maybe Copeland was brought here to do something besides bring you joy-she would inspire you to preach the Lord's word-and you have. It might seem the Lord has forgotten you through this, but he will truly reward you for passing His Word on to so many people. You will see her again some day, and see how happy she is, and on that day, you will be thankful for this horrible time. You still have beautiful, smart Sellers, and your loving husband, along with countless family members willing to help in any way they can. The Lord will get you through this-He loves you.

Life is not determined on how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

You and your family will remain in my prayers.

Alicia Martin said...

Ive been praying for you and will continue to pray for your precious family. Take shelter in His arms and remember that even in silence He hears and understands your pain. Boothe- your faith and willingness to share your heart give me strength and hope! I love you

Anonymous said...

How could you have the words for him right now, I don't think that he expects you to have anything to say right now.....He is a Mighty God, and he can take it.
Take your time with your sweet family, take the time to revel within one another, comfort one another and celebrate not only precious Copeland, but also yourselves! Once again, well done...
Praying for you in Colorado

1 plus twins said...

i will continue to pray for you and your family. i can't say iknow how your feeling but i do feel i would be the same as you. your faith and strength are an inspiration to me and i have learned so much from you. you and your family have such a special place in my heart

Tiffany said...

Boothe,
I praying and aching for you and your family. I want to listen... I'm praying for a heart for you that feels.. I know God will be there, regardless of where you are, and I'm so thankful for that. I'm praying for you all day- all night.. I'm so sorry for your pain!

Anonymous said...

Boothe - My tears are not enough to help you nor are anything else I could say to you but please know that I am praying.

When I lost my daughter, my Grandmother said to me something that I have held in my heart since - "Sufficent Unto the Day". Just know that you just have to have enough strength to be sufficent for today or even just this hour....Mrs.J~

Anonymous said...

my heart is broken for you. All and the best I can do is pray continually. My God give you peace, comfort, and strength.

Anonymous said...

question marks are ok...no one has a right to tell you that anything you are thinking is 'wrong' or even 'right'. this is your journey and i trust that the Lord will meet you right where you are...questions, anger, pain and all of it. love and prayers to you all.

Bethany said...

I'm praying for you and your family.

Thanks for making Copeland's life so IMPORTANT, even through something as potentially insignificant as a blog. God is touching lives through this and mine is one of them.

Steph said...

Boothe...

I just wanted to take the time to let you know that you & your feelings are completely normal. You loved Copeland, & now, she is gone. It hurts to lose someone you love. Understanding who God is doesn't make you not grieve. Even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is in Heaven, it's natural for your heart to ache for what you lost. Copeland's gain is still an earthly loss for you.

I'll pray for you, your marriage, your faith & witness as well as for your family as you continue to grow through this extremely difficult situation. May you keep your eyes focused on Christ & the present...one moment at a time. He can get you through & heal your hurting heart.

Your sister-in-Christ,
Stephanie

Barr Family said...

You don't know me but I have kept up with your precious Copeland and your family over the past several weeks. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling now, but so thankful that you had the time with her that you did. I know that God is big enough to handle our "hey" conversations...He hears more in our silence sometimes than what we could ever put into words. Praying for you, Amanda

Anonymous said...

Praying for your peace and comfort. As a previous poster said, I was promted to pray today because of you. Your faith has been such an inspiration and caused me to draw nearer to God. He is using you for something bigger than you can even understand. Continuing to pray for you in Auburn.

erin said...

i have always thought of my relationship with GOD like a relationship with a person. sometimes we have a lot to say and sometimes we dont. right now just like us and your friends and family there with you we dont expect any words, we just want to hug you, i bet he does too. just rest. there are no words needed.....

rosalee said...

Sincere condolences on your loss. You and your family will continue to be in our thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Remember the thrill of being on the receiving end of that "hey"! To know you were being recognized in the midst of the chaos. God is thrilled to hear your "hey"!! So am I...

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I woke this morning aching for you. Rest, girl, rest in the silence. We are interceding on your behalf and we won't stop. It's OK that you don't have the words now. You shouldn't. The experience is too profound, too fresh.

I nearly cringe at even mentioning the word "authentic" in regards to what you have written here, because that phrase is too, too often thrown around, but your willingness to be authentic through an unimaginable loss is such a gift to us all.

Please know that moment to moment, you are being lifted to the Lord in prayer. I am deeply and dearly sorry to have to say goodbye to precious Copeland, even though I have never even said "hello" to any of you in "real" life.

She has changed us all. And I rejoice in that. Take good, tender care of yourselves right now, dear Farleys.

In Chirst,
R in Franklin

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conner
I have "been there done that". My daughter was in the hospital when we choose to let her be healed by our sweet Jesus. Choosing to allow her to be healed (disconnecting life support)after her 4 1/2 year fight for life is an incredible "mothering" moment not many will experience. After her last breathe My husband and I spent some time with her then I turned my back on her and walked away, leaving her alone with strangers. Because of her complex medical needs she had never been alone! I understand your feelings of emptiness and loneliness. But please...if you want to see Copeland and hold her again...go do it! The funeral home may not offer this but...go dress her and swaddle her into her final bed..you and your husband can do this for her...let your hands be the last to touch her if that is what you need!! Don't be shy to speak up and make this a special time for your family...don't have any regrets...you have been helpless and out of control until now. The Lord wants this time to be what you need and want!

Seized by Hope said...

Your honesty is refreshing and brave. Your desire for the "God of the universe" to make Himself known to you in this unspeakably painful place is beautiful.

I pray that He will meet you in the deepest place of anguish and ache in your heart.

Sun said...

will not stop praying...thank you for the update...I find myself continually thinking about you guys and wondering how you are...you are so precious. Sunshine

Anonymous said...

Boothe, all I can do is cry and weep with you. I can hardly type this. I don't know what to say to you. I don't know why God allowed this to happen to you. My heart is broken for you and your family. The deep, deep pain is almost unbearable when you lose a child. Before I conceived my 1st child I prayed,"Lord if this child was to ever fall away from you, that you would take them before that happened, so that they remain with you forever, not the evil one. I conceived, the baby died in my womb before we met. It tore me up, was he answering my prayer? Did I actually ask God to take my child from me?? But to know that your precious angel is being held with the Father while he's holding mine, comforts me. I am praying that you keep this blog going, we love your family and love Copeland. We want to continue to pray for you and Conor. Your darkest days may still lay ahead. I can't believe how your days have affected my days. I was over flowing with joy on Tuesday thinking all day of Copeland having her one week birthday! I was praising God that you received so much more than that one hour you origianally wanted. Hearing of her passing has taken over me. There are no words, and that's ok. The Father is holding you right now in the same arms and love that he holds Copeland with. Be at peace knowing that she is with the same God who is with you.
all my love...

Peach said...

Boothe, your raw emotions and honest remarks are no surprise to the God of the universe.

I am continually in prayer for you and for Conor. I pray that God will knit your hearts together during this time of grief and pain.

Thank you for being willing to share your heart and allow us the privilege to pray with you through this.

"Hey" is great right now. Nothing more is needed.

Anonymous said...

As I struggled through my own tears last night trying to explain your family's situation to my husband, I realized just what an amazing family you 3 are. And how blessed you are to have extended family lovingly surrounding and supporting you. With a heart full of sympathy and from one mom to another, I want you to know that I am fervently praying for a peace that surpasses understanding and for God to dry your tears so that you might be able to celebrate the life you shared with this world in the days to come! This blog has been an inspiration to me and ministered to my soul and many others I am sure. May God use you and your strife to witness to others.
Love in His Name,
Stephanie Pryor

LWB said...

Thank you for continuing to let us be a part of this with you. My heart aches with you - I wish there were words I could speak to make things even a little better. I am continually praying.

Laurie Wunder Bolden

Karen said...

"Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26

He hears your "heys" and knows your heart. I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I promise you that I am praying for you and your family right now.

Debra Kenney said...

There are no words I can say that will comfort or take way the pain. My heart aches for you even though we've never met. I will be lifting your family up to the throne of grace, which is the best I know to do.

Wendy... said...

I am so very sorry to hear about precious little Copeland. At the same time I think to myself, what an amazing family you are. Boothe you are such a wonderful woman, Christian, wife, daughter and Mommy! I kept refreshing your blog yesterday, praying for all of you and after reading that Copeland went Home...I could do nothing but cry. I wanted so bad to write something, but the words just couldn't come out. My heart was aching..I was so happy that you were able to love your little girl..I was so glad she was in the arms of Jesus..I was sad she was gone..I was inspired at how many lives Copeland and your family have touched.

It is just amazing that the internet can reach so many people throughout the world with your story, it is truly the power of God. All of the prayers, Bible verses, Hymns and songs..your family and your sweet little angel Copeland have been the source of it all. I thank you, I'm sure many others do as well, your faith, strength and spirit has made many of express our love to each other and to Our Heavenly Father just a little bit more.

I am way down in Texas, we don't know each other...but I feel like I am just across the street and your a great friend that I have been talking to for years.

May little Copeland be comforted in the arms of Jesus in Heaven and I pray your family rests in the peace of our Lord. She will forever be a treasure to all of us (especially all of you) and will stay in our hearts always.

Many Hugs,
Wendy Thomas-Schilleci

Amy said...

I am lifting you and your family up in prayer and will continue to do so. I am so sorry for your loss.

Jenny said...

Oh Boothe, my heart goes out to you in such a strong way. For someone on the other side of the world, whom I have never met, I have the strongest desire to just cradle you. How I wish there were adequite words, or gestures to use to help you right now. I pray ferverently that thtere is someone in your llife who is doing exactly what you need, even if you yourself don't know what that is until it is done.

Dear heart, I pray today has a soothing balm for you somehow.

Kara Sheets said...

your words are real and genuine. i urge you to keep on writing. i know that your thoughts and inner feelings are ministry to other mothers who are in the same situation as you. we are praying for endurance as you and your family begin a new and unknown journey.

Brandi (Angie's Friend) said...

Boothe, I am SO sorry and am praying and crying for you.

DJ in AL said...

Heartfelt prayers being sent to you and your family. I pray that God will give you everything you need to get through this.

HstryQT said...

I am four months pregnant with my first child; you and your family have touched me deeply. If I were put in your position, I honestly don't know how my faith might be altered. But I have to say, that your faith and ability to not turn away from Him are inspiring to me. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Lori

Anonymous said...

praying and praying for you and your family...

Anonymous said...

keep writing. it will help you.

Embracing my cup said...

I was awakened in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. And, I prayed and prayed for you. I will continue to do so.

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I hesitate to comment because I know at this point some words can hurt more than they can soothe, but I want you to know something. You have altered the courses of people's LIVES, people who might have kept wallowing in their apathetic, worldly-minded, self-centered crap. Like me. "But why!?" you ask yourself "did MY family have to suffer this immense loss to change other peoples' lives!???" I have asked the same question about you. The Lord brought to mind a picture of a giant tapestry - a beautiful weaving of all of the stories ever told throughout the history of the world...and unfinished until Jesus returns to claim His own. We can only see a tiny piece of the pattern as our fleeting lives are woven in. Copeland is one of the most beautiful threads - so small in so many ways, but so gleaming and bright that you can't help but notice her even when you step back and look at a bigger piece of the tapestry. Copeland, in her 9 days of life, did more for the glory of God than most people accomplish in 70 years! We can't step back far enough to see the whole picture - just how many people and how many hearts have been broken over your struggle and your grief - souls changed for all eternity. It's not fair that it had to be you, but God chose you because He loved you, and He knew that your faith would ultimately be refined, not burned up in the fire. I have never been comfortable with the story of Job, but the Lord keeps bringing it to mind when I think of you. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." I don't know how to put soulful meaning behind those words, even for someone else, but perhaps that's when "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express". When the panic rises in your throat, call out to the Holy Spirit to intercede for you!
Keep writing, sister. Your story (that is far from over!) is beautiful: your words are raw and honest and real and wonderfully freeing. Every morning and throughout the day it's like reading a novel that one can't put down...because you let us peer into your life, your soul. Job was honest, too. Your precious girl will never be forgotten, and we will rejoice with you as she greets you at the gates one day! Thank you, Boothe and Conor for allowing yourselves to be vessels through which the Lord has poured out immense conviction and blessing. We are all grateful.
Love, Kim (John Calvin, Izalou & Asa)

Aunt Boo said...

You didn't even have to ask for prayer. You know that we are lifting you up even before you wrote that beautiful post!

Amanda

Paula said...

Boothe,

God hears you. Shout to Him. He knows exactly how you are feeling, and He wants His comfort and Love to bring you peace. What you are enduring is extremely hard, and I pray that you can feel His presence, hear His voice and see Him in everywhere you look, because He is there for you.

Continuing in prayer for you, Conor and Sellers.

Anonymous said...

always praying for you.

BusyBeeMama said...

You have my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I emailed you last night as I wasn't able to post a comment but I wanted to try again so we'll see if this works.

Thank you so much for your transparency. It is such a witness to others to see the "realness" of your faith.

In my email, I mentioned Natalie Grant's song, "Held". The lyrics say something like this, "This is what it is to be held; how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fails, we'd be HELD."

It's okay if all you can muster up is a "Hey". He's holding you now and will be there every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

Perservere. The Lord is with you. Copeland is with the Lord. Perservere.

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free." -Psalm 118:5

We all cried out the the Lord, and in His almighty wisdom and mercy, He set Copeland free. Please find peace in that. We love you.

Kadi Prescott said...

What your family has shared with the world is having such an impact on so many, that no matter when you feel it is time to terminate your postings, it will never stop the ripple effect that has taken place. We are all praying for you, knowing that prayer does not come easy to a hurting heart. Let the masses that you have deeply touched, intercede for you at this dark hour. We are more than honored to do it, Boothe. We may be strangers, but we are still family, and that is what family is for. Peace be with you and your family. ~Kadi Prescott, CA

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conor, I have been praying for you and your family for over a week now. God brings you to my heart and mind so often, and I continue to pray. I, too, know the indescribable ache and longing to hold your baby in your arms and to feel their sweet cheek next to your own. My Benjamin went to Heaven almost seven years ago. Your story is bringing back so many memories, and I am really in awe of your faith and testimony during this time. God is with you, and God will get you through each minute, each day. Just let yourself feel all those feelings, and know that so many people are constantly lifting you up. You're a precious family, and you're a blessing to so many.

You'll continue to be in my prayers!
~Karen (Brentwood, TN)

Lauren said...

Thank you for your raw feelings and your transparency. Just as David cried out to God "why have you forsaken me?" He welcomes you to do the same. Your "hey" is a sweet aroma to Him.
We are praying.

Claire said...

Boothe, I'm so sorry you are having to endure such pain! We love you all and are praying for you.

Claire and Robert

Anonymous said...

I don't have words to say. I've read you're story this morning and memories came flooding back. I am close friends with Eliot's parents. I was able to hold Eliot and watch him live courageously. His parents are my heros. Reading your story, I see the same strenght in you. All I can say is I will be praying for His peace and hope for all 3 of you in these next days and weeks.
Becky, AR

Dee Dee in NC said...

Praying.
I just want to tell you that He gave you a job in this: to love that precious baby for however long He allowed. And you did it very well. I hope you can take some comfort from that.
Also, I can tell you from experience that you will get through the days ahead. I remember not being sure how I'd face things like the funeral, and I thought, if I can just get through these next few days, maybe I can start to heal. You will.
I remember feeling the same things you are feeling afer I held my baby's lifeless body, wondering about things I'd always just assumed were true. Facing death makes you take inventory a bit of all those things you've trusted without much thought. And I cannot say He gave me dramatic revelations in those early days. But the way He carried us, surrounded us with His body of loving believers, and healed our broken hearts strengthened our faith in His promises that just won't be completely clear until we are in Heaven and see Him. Just knowing, as you said, that you are now someone who has faced that pain (and whom He will carry through it)....somehow knowing He can bring us through such trauma gives feet to our faith when before we could only wonder how we'd ever make it if hard times ever came.
And no, time won't replace her. You'll always miss her. But God will minister to you over time to help you get through this and back to where you can smile and live life without feeling that you are betraying her to do so.
All of that is stuff you will find, and I should probably not even waste the words here : ) because you are in too much pain to take it in. I'll keep praying, and you just keep holding on to Him, and don't worry if you don't always feel like your faith is necessarily strong or profound. Holding on is enough. He'll do the rest.

Terry said...

Boothe--
You don't know me, but I want to offer some encouragement. I have walked the road you are walking. I buried my precious infant son and it is the hardest pain. The emptiness in your arms brings real, physical pain. I know there are moments when you will be sure you cannot endure. Know that God is there and feel his arms lovingly surrounding you. You don't need any words for God--he knows your heart and knows you are completely overwhelmed, just let Him hold you...He too knows your pain. I can tell you that the hurting will lessen with each passing day. I am so glad to see that you have such a strong, faithful group of people surrounding you, let them be strong for you when you can't. I will continue to lift you and Conor and Sellers and the rest of your grieving family to God in prayer for comfort and peace.

The Allen Clan said...

thank you for being real and honest boothe.. that is a true gift you have! i love you and am lifting you high. shelli

Heidi from MN said...

Thanks for being so transparent through this whole journey. You have touched my life in a real way. The fact that you can be so honest about your feelings and struggles and faith is so refreshing!

I am praying for you as are so many others.

Suzy Goodman said...

Precious Boothe, the Lord understands your every thought, every tear, every emotion. Let the Lord carry you through. He will be faithful. Thank you for continuing to let us know exactly how to pray for you. Our hearts are aching right along with yours.

We love you all.

Anonymous said...

Copeland's short life has touched so many because of your willingness to serve as God's vessel. Your faith is great, and your honesty is inspiring. Know that we are consistently praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. I will continue to pray for your family.

Nicole M.
Missouri

Kelly in Texas said...

Boothe, of course you are hurting. Please be easy on yourself at this very difficult time when you are missing your precious girl. When we don't have the words, God still knows our heart and the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.
Praying for you and for Conor. I wish I could reach this computer and hug you both.

Lyric said...

I will be praying. I will be reading. Your real emotions and thoughts are already known to Him and He understands our humanness. The loss you feel is how He created a mother's heart...there's no shame in the longing, the questions, or the grieving process.

Be gentle with yourself.

Claire said...

I believe the Lord has used this blog in more ways than you will ever know. Continuing to be open and sharing what you're going through... that is what people need to hear. God is using you and your family so much in others lives. Thank you so much for bearing your heart when things are so unbelievably hard. My family and I are keeping you in our prayers daily. The Lord has reminded me so many times throughout the day to pray for you. It doesn't stop here. His grace is so abundant.

simonsays said...

Thank you for this post, Boothe. We will continue to pray for you, Conor, Sellers and all the rest of your sweet family in the coming days, weeks, months and years.

Love, the Adkisons

Jill said...

Boothe, I too have lost a child through mid pregnancy and also spent a big part of 2 years in the hospital with one of my other children diagnosed with a life threatening disease. I cannot fathom what you are going through but I can say that those feelings you just described are exactly what I felt too and still do at times. God is faithful and someday we will know the scope of things - until then we have to cling to Him and trust that He does have our best intrests at heart. And as much as I cannot explain these situations - I too like you choose to believe and trust even when it feels impossible. You are in my prayers sweet family -know that you are not alone.
-JiLL

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conor, you guys are in our thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Jake and Nicole Eaton

Grandmas said...

No words are okay. Love..you are that. I will pray for you all.

leeannmiller.net

The Trone's: James, Misty, and Bella Grace said...

My flesh and heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps 73:26.
It is not up to you to be strong...praying.

kim kauffman said...

Praying.....you have inspired me through your journey.....

Jailynn said...

Boothe, I am writing you to let you know that I am praying for you again today and in the days, months and years ahead. When we lost our baby girl, a very good friend of mine (who birthed and lost 2 babies in the same year) told me to take it not just day by day, BUT minute by minute and hour by hour. That is only way I could make it through. I didn't have ANY words for God, just tears, moans and screams. It IS okay! Don't allow people to tell you how to grieve. God knows us so intimately, that even the groans He is ABLE to translate! If you need to have a fit, have a fit, BUT rest in God's arms NO matter what.

Praying for His comfort and His arms to hold you and your family now.

risalea said...

I hope it gives you some comfort to know that people across the country are praying for you at this terrible time. Risa Ratliff

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Anonymous said...

Praying........

mindi said...

Praying for you and your family, that you may continue to endure and somehow find peace.

Baby Leino said...

Boothe::
Though no one can truly say "I know what you're going through" as only you have walked this road with Copeland, I can empathize with the struggle between faith & screaming "why?!" To say that it all had a purpose is true, but it in no way changes the agony that it was at the cost of your precious daughter & family.
When Isaac died, many people awed at how this precious little boy changed thousands of lives. And while I'm grateful that his suffering was not in vain, at times I want to scream, "But he's still my precious baby! My only child! Why did HE have to pay the price for the growing of someone else's faith?! Yes, he had a purpose. But it doesn't change that fact that I've lost my precious child & can't have him back! Why did HE have to die?!"
Sweet Boothe, you will make it through this. I don't know fully why this had to happen...why heaven's healing hand chose to work in out Copeland's restoration in heaven rather than here with you. I don't know why the answer was no. But there is comfort in knowing God is surely with you. I'm sure He cried out passionately, "Why does My Son have to die?! It will save the world, but I'm giving up my one & only Son!" He knows the ache of loosing a child, when there was no other way than death.
You will make it through! You have what it takes, the faith inside to remain faithful. God will carry you through this dark valley. Will we ever know the reasons why? I don't know. But heaven IS real, Copeland IS perfectly healed, and you WILL see her beautiful...oh, her BEAUTIFUL face again.

Healing will happen at your own pace, one day at a time...

Anonymous said...

"Hey".......well, I think this is enough for right now. And HE knows your heart anyway. I know that some days, I can only muster a "Yeah, I know YOU are there...." and it's okay.
God is with you~

Andi Hunter said...

This is probably cliche but all I can think of is the song "Held" by Natalie Grant. Maybe it will bring you some small comfort or peace, it is what came to my mind today. Perhaps because it was inspired by parents losing their precious baby. I always find comfort and healing in music. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Again, your testimony is so powerful and such an example. You have touched and blessed us with your poignant story and you honesty and you strength of faith.

Linds said...

One moment at a time, Boothe. My husband died suddenly last year, and I said then that it was like being in a strange land, not speaking the language, and having no guide book. Although I was surrounded by people, and covered in prayer, I was so alone. Breathe and be, and just get through one moment then one hour and then one day at a time. God has heard it all before, so pour out the rage and brokeness, and in time, you will understand.
Be kind to yourself. I am still praying for you both.

Lisa said...

Oh Boothe,
Thank you for continuing to share your journey.

Some day I will try and articulate how much your family and Copeland have taught me - but not today.

Today just know that you and Conor and Sellers are being prayed for all day long. So, don't worry if you don't feel like praying today -other people are doing it on your behalf.

Lisa
The Woodlands, TX

Kristen said...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Rom. 8:26
Still praying- Kristen Parker

Anonymous said...

Having been through a lot of junk and pain and loss myself, I have refused to say anything up to this point because I know how much "pat" answers don't help. All I've learned from God is that he is not the one who causes death and pain and suffering. That is very much and most definitely Satan. Why God allows it, I am not sure... I will definitely ask when I get to heaven myself. But I do believe that God very much feels the same pain and sadness that we do in the homegoing of Copeland. I look forward to meeting her myself... when I have ears that work, and when I get to see my baby sister that I never got to meet. Much love to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

praying for you...lean on the people of God around you...I'm sure there will be moments that our faith is the only faith you have, our song the only one that can be sung, and our words and prayers will be lifted FOR you...

this blog helps us know how to stand in the gap for you and focus our prayers very specifically- it makes me aware of all the things I can't even imagine that you're going through- like facing her bassinet this morning and hearing how you wanted to chase the car last night...as a mother my heart just aches for you. I would imagine the pain just feels like complete madness.

i'm lifting you up today...christy nockels

Anonymous said...

your faith is such an inspiration to me!
continually praying for yall.

MostlyTruth said...

Take it one moment at a time.

I am praying for you and thanking God for your testimony and for Copeland's life. But oh, how the tears dropped when I read this post....God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Your words are astounding, powerful and honor your sweet girl. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am truly inspired by your faith. Even though it doesn't feel like it, God is with you,beside you.

Marie Lanathoua said...

Dear Boothe and family

It is not natural to become your daughter's legacy but there is something to be said about the choices you have made as you grieve for Copeland. You will pass on her spirit with every hand you shake, every smile you make, every person you touch. You stand in her light. And in doing this you are still being her mother, father, sister, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins...... Even though there were a lifetime of unfulfilled plans remember the times YOU MADE A MOMENT MATTER. With much love to you both! Praying for you....Love Marie from Southern California

Aunt Barbara said...

Boothe, I somewhat understand where you are coming from when it comes to your prayers. It is so hard to pray and praise god when situations like this happen. You just want to know why they happen. That is how I felt 33 years ago when my little girl was but three weeks old and her daddy took sick and I was told he would live a year to ten years. Well, God knew better and he is still with us. But it has been a tough 33 years for him. And though he is still with us he has never had the quality of life normal people get to have and he is starting to have to deal with many health issues. But, I have tried over the years to be grateful that he is still with us and to trust that God knew best. I too have asked God so many times why at age 27 he got so sick and has had such a hard road to walk down physically. But, in my heart I know God has his reasons and is in control and that has kept me going all these years. I tell you some of my story not for anyone to feel sorry for me but to let you know I understand just some of your thoughts. There is no way I could truly understand what you are going through. You are a mother. You feel a pain that most people cannot even begin to imagine. But, God understands your thoughts ,your feelings, and most of all your pain. And in time he will make it all better. I truly believe this. I rejoice that he has given you a week of memories to hold dear to your heart. Little Copeland became so special to so many and she touched so many hearts. I know she truly touched mine. I will never forget her. God truly had a plan for her little life. I pray that your pain will ease and God will give you peace. God Bless you all.

inglehouse said...

Boothe,

I cannot imagine what you are going through at this moment, nor do I even want to imagine. As I look at my children, I cannot fathom what I would do if He decided to take one of them. I just wanted to let you know of a song that has gotten me through many rough times - so if music speaks to you the way that it speaks to me - it may remind you that He is with you through all of his, from beginning to end. The song is titled "Praise you in this Storm", it is on the Casting Crowns - Lifesong CD. For me when I cannot mutter a word of praise this song seems to help say everything that I need to tell him and reminds me that he is there.
I love you and your precious family and I will be steadfastly be praying for all of you through this heartbreaking time. God will richly bless all of you and take you through this time. Just hang on.

Kelley Ingle

Christy said...

I am praying for you. I can't imagine what pain you are in, I can't imagine the loss of a precious child. But I know what it is like to be angry at God, to question God, and to wonder if you have done somthing to warrant the pain He has allowed in your life.

I am so sorry.

I will not offer any cliche assurances or quotes, there is nothing that I can say that will help heal you or ease your pain. Just know that you are loved, your family is loved, and that I am praying for you. God is there, we may not always understand Him, but he is there. He knows your grief, He knows your pain, and He is there.

Anonymous said...

My heart is aching for you now. I pray the Lord will comfort you...as no words or people can. God knows exactly how you feel right now though...He lost His own son. You know His love for US must be insurmountable for Him to willing go through what you're going through all so that we can live forever with Him. He is holding you tighter than ever now and He will see you through this. Praying for you and your family....

Christina said...

I am praying for you Boothe.

A Place For Ministry Wives said...

I don't know what to say - except that I will pray.

Mc Allen said...

I agree I wish you would keep this blog , I feel united to these saints & to you... I am @ biblestudy right now on my palm & qe are talking not only about your story, but about the shere volume of the people that are now forever connected to you & copeland. Ii have just put you blog on all of the copies of our prayer requests.. thank you for getting on today!-- in His love'
Leah from Owasso Oklahoma

Sherry said...

Boothe, you do not know me, but I have followed your journey through your entries and I have rejoiced and cried with you and your sweet family. Please know that I have been in your shoes, and yes, the hardest thing you ever have to do is give up your child. You give up a very part of your heart. God understands our hurt and even our anger over losing our child. Just as an earthly father understands his children when they are angry and don't understand "why", our Heavenly Father also understands. I am praying for your strength and peace and comfort.

Zach, Tamara and Gavin said...

I don't know you, but I love you. My heart hurts with you. My Spirit is mourning but trying to find joy in His will. Bless you. I'm praying incessantly for you and your family.

Melanie said...

I simply can not understand why things like this happen.

I'm praying for you and your family continually.

Anonymous said...

Boothe, you do not know me. I found your blog through a friend. My spirit is broken over your loss. We lost our infant daughter last year, she only lived a few minutes after birth. Last night I was laying in bed and your family was on my mind. At the time, I did not yet know of Copeland's passing but I prayed for your sweet family and for the Lord to give you a peace that passes all understanding. I prayed that my daughter would be there to welcome yours home. Knowing that they are together now with the Savior somehow eases my soul. Two beautiful angels who are now made fully complete in heaven. O how great the day will be when we get to see them again. You are in my every thought today. You have truly cherished Copeland's extraordinary life, and the impact she has made on this world is profound.
--Emily in SC

Jaclyn said...

Boothe- thank you for this post. I feel as I know you somehow- like you are my friend and I was hoping you would not "go away". thank you for continuing to share your heart. I am amazed by you. I have never cried like this for someone I don't even know. I imagine no words can really comfort you and connor right now. I am sure people tell you that time will heal- but I am sure even that is hard to hear right now. I am praying for you as you grieve this horrible loss. You and Connor are wonderful, wonderful parents and Copeland has been very blessed to be so greatly loved.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you. Though I cannot fathom how it all works, I know that God is good, even in the midst of days like this. He is who He says He is, and we can trust Him. Having experienced similar loss, I think I understand in some small way what you are feeling. I know that the Lord understands. I pray for encouragement for your heart and strength for this day.

Shelli Smith said...

My heart is breaking all over again for you and your family. My husband and I lost our son, Grant, 8 years ago. He was born with 3 severe heart defects. We had him with us for 29 wonderful days. I so understand the panic and need to hold Copeland just one more time. I wish I could make it better for you but God will comfort you when no one else can. Phillipians 4:13 continues to me my mantra. I found this verse in the NICU waiting room and have clung to it since then. Your life will never be normal like it was before Copeland, but it will be a "new" normal. A piece of your family will always be missing, but with our precious Lord's mercy and faithfulness, your familiy will survive and endure. It may take a while, but if you would like to speak with me, you can visit my blog at www.graisiandalliclaire.blogspot.com. I will be praying for you an unsurpassing strength and comfort that we received 8 years ago.

Shelli Smith
Birmingham, AL

alexis said...

A verse from my Bible study this morning, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Ex 14:14)

I love you.

lex

Cheri said...

You, Copeland and your words have touched me as a Mom more than anyone in my life. Although it is unfare what you and your family have endured, I do hope that it is consoling to know that Baby Copeland has touched millions. What an amazing memory. I pray for you constantly.

Cheri (BHCC Office)

Anonymous said...

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Heb 10:35-36

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I can't say that I was praying since I have given up on that a while ago. I have been through something similar, know the pain, and appreciate your realness. Unlike others, through my questioning, I have ultimately given up my faith in God. I am not mad at him, as one can't be "mad" at someone they don't think is there (like Santa), but I don't regret that as it opened a whole better world and way of dealing with trials realistically for me. For whatever that is worth....I am sorry ((empathetic hugs as a sister on earth))

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you! My uncle and aunt lost a son at 19. One thing my uncle says that is required of him everyday is to get up and look in the mirror and say "I am going to live today because God wants me to". He says his son served his purpose and now it is time to serve his until they meet again! He also says there are still days where he and God are not on a speaking basis for that day, but he know he understands. God is rejoicing to hold your baby, but weeping to see your hurt...but, his love will endure!!

Anonymous said...

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; Pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5

May the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort make himself more real to you during this time than ever. Love and prayers over your family.

ChrisSligh said...

Boothe & Conor,

Chris Sligh here. I wanted to tell you how much you have been in Sarah and my thoughts and prayers. You haven't met Sarah yet, but we have both fallen in love with your parents and have felt pain and grace through your story, and feel like we know you more than the short time we've spent together.

Just know you are loved and in our prayers.

Peace and love,
Chris Sligh

ali said...

He loves you. He's not leaving. Come as you are. Thank you for portraying the authenticity of life right now. I'm continuing to check in with you guys through this blog. continuing to pray. wrestle with him.
dont know if you know the swains...they are very close friends of mine and have lost a baby girl as well. here's lindsay's email if you ever need it
ldswain@gmail.com

Jen said...

My heart hurts for you. I am praying for you.

Know that just saying "hey" is okay. He knows you so intimately, you don't have to tell Him how you feel.

I am praying for unspeakable grace and peace to cover you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. thank you for sharing her story with us. I was touched and blessed by it. My prayer is that you will feel the Lord near you during this time and that he will give you beauty for ashes. I know he is glorified by your testimony of faith in Him. Even if your blog brought one person to the Lord, Copeland did not die a vain death but one of victory!

ali said...

i know that we both love to read and english...these books are amazing and im sure that thousands of books have been recommended but just to know

shattered dreams: larry crabb
Grace walk: steve mcvey

bizyma2five said...

I am so very sorry. I just started reading your blog yesterday. I cannot fathom the pain you and your family must be feeling right now. Please know that many prayers are going up for you, that you will feel God's loving arms surrounding you and giving you the peace that passes all understanding.

Jenny Nash said...

I don't know your family but have been following your story for a few days now. Boothe, you truly have a gift with words even when you say you have no words. The way you describe your bitter sweet relationship with the Lord hits the nail on the head. You describe how I think all of us struggle with our faith yet don't exactly know how to say it. Of course we all love our Christ but you so eloquently write what it is to be human. To be angry and upset and not understanding. And then someday, hopefully, to find the glorious peace that I pray will embrace your whole family.

sharon said...

boothe,
i have to admit that last night around 9pm when i read your blog, i kept refreshing the page every minute or two, almost as a game, to see how the number of comments was literally multiplying. it was an incredible thing to witness...just as this whole journey with copeland has been and will continue to be. this blog does not encompass the many people whose lives have been touched by that precious little girl and her amazing family. poeple are telling your story at work, at church, on their own blogs... copeland made a bigger impact on this planet in a week than most do who live to be old. i know that i am not typing anything you do not already know, but be encouraged even still. know that i am praying for all of you during this time.

Anonymous said...

There are no adequate or appropriate words so I sit here in silence before our God, knowing HE knows your hearts are broken and HE loves you!

I love you too,
Pat Ward

Carol said...

When you are walking through the Valley it is so hard to keep going and trust that the sun is shining over the hill. Keep holding His hand, only He can guide you through this darkness.
I will be praying for your family in the coming days. Your story has touched my life. God will use your witness to glorify His, bringing some good from this tragic situation. You have already touched so many!

Anonymous said...

Oh Boothe, thank you for your willingness to share your pain & struggle with us. I am hurting for you.
Melissa Hall

Amy T said...

Praying for you.

The Asbell Family said...

Our prayers are for all of you. You are so very blessed to have your faith and a strong family network around you.

Daffodil Hill said...

I understand the surreal-ness, the wondering how the rest of the world can go on as though everything is normal. I also know that God's grace truly is sufficient. Don't feel that you have to smile and pretend everything is ok. You will have good hours and bad hours, but it will be a long time before you feel like your life is normal again, before your sweet girl doesn't consume your every waking thought. Keep the blog and continue pouring out your heart. You will need the support. Holding you ever so close in my thoughts and prayers.

holly biddy said...

I am so sorry for your heartache. I know this will be a confusing and difficult time, even for a strong believer. After a miscarriage, a pastor tried to "explain" the "why?" to me. Obviously a lot of things we will not understand this side of heaven. But one thing that is clear is that we live in a fallen world. So that means things around us are not perfect and each of our own bodies is imperfect. Unfortunately, Copeland found this truth sooner than the rest of us. A pray for God's peace for you knowing that He makes up for these earthly imperfections in Heaven! Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." In one week Copeland, sustained by your faith, has impacted more people than most of us will in a lifetime. Cling to Him, even if all you can say is "hey"-He understands what words cannot express. We will continue to pray for you all.

Ellie said...

Boothe,
I've been weeping today with you. The journey that you and your family have walked over the past three months is a difficult one to say theleast. Thank you for leaning upon Christ and falling into His arms. Watching you all trust Him has truly encouraged and changed me. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you to experience God's love in a way you did not know was possible as you and your family continue to
grieve.
" And the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words..." Romans 8:26

We are praying for you.
Ellie and Drew Holcomb

jen said...

I wanted to share this poem I wrote when my mom passed away 7 months ago.

God is with us

He has a plan I cannot comprehend.
He did not come with thunder and lightning as I hoped for.

He performs miracles.
He was not the healer I prayed for.

He is faithful.
He continually held her hand.

He always loves us.
He will never leave us.

He did not do all that I asked for.
He did all that He promised.

God is with us.

Anonymous said...

How is faith to endure, O God, when you allow all this scraping and tearing on us? You have allowed rivers of blood to flow, mountains of suffering to pile up, sobs to become humanity's song. If you have not abandoned us, explain yourself. We strain to hear.
But instead of hearing an answer we catch sight of God himself scraped and torn. Through our tears we see the tears of God. Instead of explaining our suffering God shares it.
I do not think of death as a bottomless pit.
I do not grieve as one who has no hope. Yet my child is gone, here and now she is gone; NOW I cannot talk to her, NOW I cannot see her, NOW I cannot hug her, NOW I cannot plan for her future. THAT is my sorrow.

june said...

oh, boothe... your last paragraph resonates with me so deeply. thank you for your honesty and authenticity. continuing to pray, as life doesn't look like what we both dreamed and "planned" for at this point. He is in control. He is faithful. that's about all i know...
much, much love to you always.

jtcosby said...

I struggle with my relationship with Christ DAILY. I believe, I love and yet I struggle. I have no reason to struggle, my life is totally fine. Yet I struggle. While you are struggling, remember He is still there...He won't go anywhere and He created you. He knows you are struggling. He has not left you in your struggles. The Bible verse I want to share with you is the only one I can read and KNOW it is working...James 4:7-8. DRAW NEAR TO ME GOD, FLEE DEVIL. There have been days when that is the only thing I can get out of my mouth. "devil, you can't have me...I am HIS". While I have NEVER experienced what you are going through, and I will not pretend to understand, and there is nothing anyone can say to make this better...just know God is walking with you, CARRYING you through this...He will not leave you or forsake you. Praying for you and sending hugs and love!

Laurel Wreath said...

God brought all these people (as I read your comments) together to pray for you and your family and to stand in the gap. We are here to to pray when you cannot, we are here to lay you before the throne when you can not move. We are here to cover you in prayers.

Anonymous said...

I have been weeping on and off all day after reading your post, Boothe; my deepest sympathies to you and your family, while rejoicing in Copeland being well and whole in Heaven. I wasn't raised in a Christian home so my faith is a little unorthodox, but I believe that the Free Will granted us is more than just choices we make for ourselves, it extends sometimes into those things we can't influence, ie a child being born with a disability. I believe too that God, in His Heaven, weeps when a child is born into a body too frail to withstand life on this earth, just as you weep. And what wonderful parents you both must be, that this little soul, not expected to survive more than hours, hung on for 8 days of your nurturing. God Bless you all.

Alison said...

praying...

MOM said...

Dearest Boothe,
As David cried out for God; even Jesus as well.......'where are you, God.....have you forsaken me?' God's answer was real....ressurrection power was in His hand. "The hour had come when the Son of Man should be glorified, Jesus said, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.' The fruit in your life of dying to yourself has been evident to all. Maybe you'll never know all of the fruit that you have borne this side of heaven. I can see it in my own life as a result of your "falling to the ground....being so real in your faith..in your doubts and frustrations....in your fears. Ressurection power comes after......it will come.....you will see......."For God promises us trials and tribulations, but also says that He has overcome....He knows......He sees you......He loves you....."Those that wait upon the Lord , will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings as eagles....they shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and will not faint."
We are praying for you continually, dear one. Rest will come.
Much love and heartfelt sincerity in our prayers for you,
The Don Holloway Family

Kelley said...

Boothe, I have been praying often today for you, Conor, Sellers, and the rest of your family. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have to endure this pain. While it is understood that God ordained you to be Copeland's mother, no thought or Scripture can take away your loss and heartache right now. My husband and I lost two babies last year during pregnancy, and I remember just wanting people to validate my sorrow. I wanted them to understand me rather than to make me feel better. Thank you for sharing your heart so we can all understand where you are right now.

As I was grieving, I found the quote: "You must grieve well and mourn well to once again live well and love well." For me, grieving well meant acknowledging every emotion I felt - anger toward God, bitterness, fear, indifference, etc. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize to anyone for the reality of your feelings. The most touching and powerful testimonies comes from those who persevere through the darkest hours despite their doubts or anger rather than those who push forward stoically with a blind faith. We all know your heart for the Lord, and we are so thankful for it! You have obeyed Him and glorified Him throughout all of this. I will be praying for you today, tomorrow, and for days to come, knowing that grief is a long process and one that leaves you changed forever. It has been a privilege to pray for you, Copeland, and your family.

Much love Boothe!
-Kelley Brown

Emily said...

Boothe,

I just want to hug you. I think I might try on Saturday. ;) Thank you for your honesty. I know my blog has been my #1 grief counselor and, much to my dismay, what seems to flow through my fingertips blesses others. People need to see this, to read this, to hear us be real about our pain. You're doing that. And that's God's work. He's one of those friends you don't even have to say a word to. You know and He knows, so 'nough said. ;) Give yourself permission to rest, to ask questions, to scream to drive aimlessly with loud music, do whatever, WHATEVER, YOU need to do when you need to do. There will be plenty of time for normalcy down the road. You're loved and lifted up.

Anonymous said...

May the Lord wrap you in His loving arms and comfort you as only He can. I am praying for you and your family....

Anonymous said...

As a mother, I know I would be feeling all of the same things that you are feeling now. I ache for you and your family and your loss. I know words cannot heal the pain. Please know that you are all in the prayers of many. Copeland's sweet life impacted so many people all over the world! What an amazing testimony for such a tiny baby. While it doesn't ease your pain in the loss of physically having her to hold, hopefully you will one day soon be able to take comfort in knowing how much she has blessed so many.

Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

Your honesty is breathtaking. I struggled to pray last summer, and my anger at Him was suffocating. I took much heart in seeing David's honesty in the Psalms, and in knowing that God is bigger than my anger and my doubt. He wasn't surprised at it, and neither did He turn away from me.

I am thankful not to be in that place today, but I'm also thankful that I went there, knowing it was necessary. I'm praying for you as you miss your girl.

Tammy C said...

Pretty good post considering you just lost your daughter.Prayers will help you through this and time heals.

to simply 'go on' as normal-You will find a new normal for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

God hears you even when you are silent. I pray that you all feel Him embracing you as you walk thru this season of life.

Aimee said...

You have been in my prayers since I found out about you guys on Tuesday night. I know that there is nothing anyone on this earth can say or do to make much of a difference, except pray....and I am not going to stop...

Aimee Smith, friend of the Crandalls

Tina said...

She is truly being rocked by God now, but we can understand your frustrations with our father right now. Who would not feel the same? Just remember that we are all doing the praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Lovely Boothe, don't forget to break. Be broken for Him to heal you. Don't try to build up walls to be strong. Be weak as you are, and find true strength in Him. Cry and know you are feeling what you should feel. It is ok to be at a loss for words. He knows you are and should be. He knows you don't understand. Just as He know these things, He knows the bigger picture, too. His will was done in your beautiful baby girl.

Just remember, He breaks our hearts so He can get deeper into them. In all of this cling to Him. He never forsakes His children, Sweet Boothe.

Anonymous said...

I think of how Jesus felt here on earth. Knowing that His father could have saved him from death.....but there was a bigger story to be played out.And I belive during this heartbreaking situation that you feel a lot like Jesus did on the cross as He said....."Father, why have thou forsaken me!" But you know He has not. Copeland's life was meant to be this way, to change lives, to give people strength. No words can heal the ache your arms must feel right now, but I continue to pray that you feel the Lord not just with you, but carrying you as you greive the life of your precious daughter. Jeff Sculte said this to the Swain's when they lost their little girl, "You can borrow my faith right now as you walk through this." I offer you the same.
In Him,
Holly Koogler

Tracy said...

Boothe- Thank you for being so "real" and not sugar-coating the fact that your sweet girl is gone. your pain is raw and should be. It's not fair and nor should you be "rejoicing" or at peace yet. Please keep it real and keep writing. I just came to know your family last night and my heart aches for you as if you were an old friend.
Tracy
Arlington, TX

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this sad time.

Anonymous said...

Boothe - Thank you for continuing to be real and bare your soul...your raw emotions are truly a beautiful gift you are sharing with the rest of us. Please forgive us for any comments we have posted that may rub you wrong or sound blithe. It is so true that you really don't "know" until you have walked through a certain situation...despite our uncouth comments, know that you are loved. Keep embracing the waves of grief as they come, that is your way through the storm. Praying for God's peace upon each of you.

Aunt Murry said...

Please give yourself time to grieve. You will be angry and you will be sad and you will be depressed and in time, you will learn to live with your sorrow as it never truly will go away. Each person is different so you and yours may move through the stages at different times and ways. Be patient with each other and know that God gave you the gift of COpeland although it seems cruel for him to want her back. There will be times when you want to look at someone and scream "My baby is gone" Know that it is natural and that you are human. You will find that people will say stupid things not knowing any better and it will make you angry. Forgive them for they know not what they do. At times it will seem like you are on fire with the desire to have your child back and other times, you will just be inconsolable. I don't envy you this journey but it sounds as though you have a good handle on who you are and your faith. I'm so sorry that you have to be one of the ones who lost a child. Know that I and others pray for you.

Jennie-Marie said...

Boothe, just like God has used the last 8 days to help you prepare for Copeland to go to Heaven, he has been preparing himself for the hurt and sadness your heart feels. He's been preparing for you to just want to say "Hey," or nothing at all. He understands us, all of us, not just when we praise Him but even when we need to step back a bit and regroup he understands. He only asked that when we regroup we do it with Him. I pray for you, for your family, and for your heart. Through you and your wonderful words and faith many have regrouped. You have truly glorified God.

melody said...

I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you and your family are 'enduring' right now. I feel so deeply for you, simply by reading your honest words.

I just found this blog 2 days ago, and yet, it has consumed my thoughts and prayers ever since. I have sat at my computer with tears streaming down my face for a family I have never met.

I have tried to put myself in your shoes. I see the correlation between your story, and losing your beloved Copeland, and God sending Jesus to Earth...knowing he was coming to die. Then I think back to hear and now. If I knew (prior to conception) that the child I would be blessed with would be taken away, would I still knowingly conceive?

And the thought (cliche' as it might sound) that came to my mind was, "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I would choose love. As hard as it would be to lose that love, I know it would be worth it. I know these past 9 days have been worth it for you, and you will be filled with memories that will last a lifetime. For that, I am thankful.

Thank you for your raw honesty and faith, Boothe. Thank you and Conor and Sellers for letting us all be a part of Copeland's story. We will all forever be changed by her legacy.

Lots of hugs and prayers,
Melody
Houston, TX

Jessica said...

I remember that time after the death of our daughter. God knows what you are going through. This verse God gave us:

Romans 8:26
"....the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

There are no words. The sadness and hurt is deeper than anyone can comprehend. I am lifting you all up.

Jessica Fiveash
Memphis, TN

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