Monday, September 24, 2007

just breathe

I woke this morning at about 6:30 having had a nightmare that Sellers came into our room wanting to see her baby sister and Conor and I telling her that she was gone. When I realized it wasn't going to be a nightmare, after all, but a reality we'd face, and perhaps soon, my heart sank. I was in a lot of pain - surgical - and needed to take some more medicine, so I climbed out of bed and began to head toward the door. That's when I heard Copeland squeal.

We are convinced that we lost her last night. She went totally gray, stopped breathing, and then, after she gasped several times after that and seemed to regain any strength at all, we simply imagined that though she might seem to be somewhat "back", these were simply stages along the road to death. Our neonatologists at the hospital had convinced us - albeit lovingly and with every ounce of knowledge about this process that Conor and I can't claim to possess - that things like gasping, breathing slowing to excruciating paces, and certainly the absence of any chest movement are all signs... death is upon us. We watched her struggle to breathe and then made the hardest decision we've ever had in our lives: to let go. We placed Copeland beside us, left the lights on, and rested. Our level of exhaustion was so intense that we actually bickered with each other before going to sleep - about nothing important, nonetheless. If you know Conor and I, you know we don't bicker... certainly don't fight. It sounds stupid, but for some reason we just like each other a lot and enjoy being together. Satan was so active in that room, the spiritual warfare so great, that it was all we could do to forgive and weep in each others' arms. I will count it as the most difficult night of my life.

Upon hearing our girl squeak from her bassinet this morning, my heart soared. And fell to greater depths than I can explain. We have let her go as best as we know how. We have said goodbye and given her to the Father. And now we are in a "wait and see" zone. The Lord may not take her for another day. Or weeks. How we ride the emotional rollercoaster of the unknown is absolutely beyond me. Conor was fighting mad last night. We're both mad. What is God doing? Where is He? I'm sick of trying so hard to honor Him and to make sure He is proud of me... only to feel my most specific and heartwrenching cries are not heard. And yet to find my girl alive this morning was the most incredible high I've ever felt. So perhaps He's answering prayers I've yet to pray... perhaps He's answering prayers I was meant to pray and didn't. I don't know. I sat alone in the morning sunlight pouring into my parents' living room earlier and the only words I could pray - maybe the only words I honestly felt I wanted to pray - were, "God, I can breathe. That's what I can do. Now I'm going back to bed."

I am not asking you to pray specifically for anything anymore. At least not at this moment. What I am asking you for is that you would pray God will have His way. That we will not live with expectation, per se, but with hope, certainly, and rest in Him. Pray we will be authentic in the anger we feel, even if that means we have some exchanges with Him that would make conservative Christians balk. I am convinced that if neither life nor death can keep us from the love of God, then certainly a few harsh words aren't too much for Him to handle.

132 comments:

Kate said...

praying...

Rachel said...

prayers and love from cincinnati.
-rachel

Elizabeth S said...

I am just amazed...His ways are not our ways. I will most certainly lift you in prayer today. I pray for rest, peace that only comes from God, and assurance that God is carrying you each second of this day.

Peach said...

He can and will handle it all . . . all your anger and pain. It is through the anger and through the pain that the veil is stripped away and we come a little bit closer to seeing Him face to face.

I will pray for strength for each breath today, dear Boothe. May Jesus be ever present and may He protect you and Conor from the attacks of the enemy.

~DanaB~ said...

Amen.

If you're to give it all to God, that includes your anger. You're right--Our God can take it and loves every fiber of you.

Praying for all of y'all ceaselessly.

~~DanaB

Anonymous said...

I've been following your story in prayer since Copeland's birth. I am still praying. Romans 8:28 is very real to me personally, and I know it is more than words to you too.

God is still on His throne.

Jenny from Chicago said...

I am praying so hard for you. Copeland is in God's loving embrace, now and always.

millermoments said...

Peace. I pray you have peace.

I am in awe of your strength.

Ryan said...

It's okay to get angry, read some psalms by the "man after God's own heart".You and your family are in my prayers.

jenny said...

Well, once again I am left speechless. Thank you for the updates. I am praying constantly for the Lord to fill your home and your heart. Thank you for letting us see your vulnerability through your raw emotions. You are an amazing mom, that the Lord is so proud of. May you find rest, and may you know God's peace. We are still praying in WI...

Darby Stickler said...

He can handle whatever you throw His way. And the best part is that He loves you the same. He loves you despite your anger and sees you as perfect. What an incredible God we have! Still praying for God to be glorified and the enemy to be annihilated... your troops have your back!

laura said...

I don't think frustration or harsh words are to be kept from God...I believe that pure honesty with Him is the essence of our intimacy in a relationship with Him. It doesn't make sense, it is hard to understand...I will be praying specifically for your heart, and for peace.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you all the way from Durbanville, Cape Town South Africa.

Jennifer said...

I pray this verse will bring you hope:
Your God is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs. Zephaniah 3:17
I am praying for you and Conor today.
-Jennifer from Houston

Joann said...

boothe, you and conor are doing all the right things. whatever it is you are doing. praying for you and hurting with you.love.

Kelly in Texas said...

May you find peace and rest in the arms of the Father. As for your anger, I really think the Lord can handle it. It's ok to be human. Much love and hugs to you both. The prayers will continue for peace.

Anonymous said...

I was awake all through the night praying for your family and will continue to be faithful in prayer over each of you this day...

Anonymous said...

Boothe, God understands why you are angry! It is okay! Stay strong and know that we are all here holding you with our hearts and souls!

We will pray for peace and God's will to be done...whatever that may be. I know how tired you must be, you are an amazing mother, wife and Christian. You and Conor hold on tight to each other and the Lord and know that your prayer warriers will keep you lifted up!!

Sweet, precious Copeland, what a magnificent gift you are...to so many people! May the Lord be with you and keep you safe! You are loved by many!

Joe & Jill said...

I have followed your story for several days now. I, too, am praying for comfort and strength. Please remember there is nothing, positive or negative, you can do to make God more or less proud of you. God loves you for who you are deep down in your soul, not for anything you do or say. Allow yourself to grieve and be angry. Holding that back, even with good intentions of trying to remain strong, will only make things worse.

Jenny said...

I am so stunned. I have put off and put off going to bed, waiting for an update... I was sure I would be praying for your comfort at her passing. Wow. I would be angry, too. But, one thing I have learned, is that God has broad shoulders! He made us emotional. We are allowed to be angry. SO many Psalms are angry, "why have you forsaken me" and so on and so on. But every one of those Psalms aknowledge the soverenty of God. I know you know this too. Take the time to be angry. Let HIm know it. Rant, rave.. get the emotion out. And then, once again, submit. Allow Him to hug you, stroke your hair, kiss your head, rock you gently and tell you that He understands, that He loves you, and that He will never, ever let you go. You are nearer to His Father heart than you ever could have imagined possible. Oh, how you are loved!

Go into today preceded by His grace and embraced by the prayers of countless people around the world.

crystal varenkamp said...

Boothe-

I am, yet again, in awe of your heart and spirit. I believe that our God wants us to converse with Him in a very natural, from the heart kind of way. At least that's how I pray - He knows our hearts before we even tell Him, so there's truly nothing to hide. Let it flow. My prayers join yours for His will to not only be done, but to be made evident to you and Conor as you walk through today. I am still praying for your physical healing - and that the beautiful relationship you and Conor share would be bound so tightly that Satan has no room to wiggle in. Our God is an awesome God.

Anonymous said...

tears and prayers for you and your sweet family from Atlanta

Anne Gillem said...

Conor and Boothe,
My prayers and thoughts are with you as always this morning. Know that when you are weary,God will carry you. And He always has your family, and sweet baby Copeland, in His arms. There is a vast network of friends, family and people just touched by your story carrying you too. Rest in Him today.

Laurie said...

Boothe and Conor,

God knows where your hearts are in this most emotional time of your lives. Pour it all out to Him, He can handle it and will give you strength.
Cry out to Him in your despair and tell Him you are angry and every other thing you feel. He is not concerned with religious correctness, He is concerned with where He has brought you right now. Do what you need to do, and forgive each other for being so human:)
Continuing to pray for Gods Perfect Will every minute of this new day.
The fight is the Lords, and Satan has no place in this. He may have nudged you, but He cannot get between you and he is angry that you chose the Lord. Stay strong in Peace today. Love on that baby like never before until now. God will guard your hearts, do not be afraid.
Praying without ceasing still.
Laurie in Ca.

Sun said...

I am at a loss for words. I am praying - my heart hurts for you! You are precious before God. Sunshine

Lauren said...

Your trust and belief that our God is able and good blow me away. Amidst your hurt and pain you are still believing. YOU ARE HONORING HIM. HE IS PROUD OF YOU. You are shining your light so brightly for the world to see...THAT makes you the "sweet aroma" that we hear about when we honor our Father.
Praying for you. Praising God for you.
Lauren

Christy Piersant said...

Boothe-
Much love and prayers. Remember the psalmist- "deep calls to deep"-your deepest emotions are answered by His deepest understanding.

Sarah :) said...

Thank you for sharing your lives...your soaring and your agonizing. I am praying for you here in Milwaukee. You are modeling a walk of humility and honesty with the Lord. May He meet every single one of your needs (whether you know them or not) in Christ.

Rebecca said...

Conor, Boothe and family,

God can take it. You've been so faithful, but you're perfectly within your rights to be mad. Jesus got mad. God got mad. And you certainly can get mad.

Some people find the book of Job to be horribly depressing. And truly horrendous things happen. But, despite all Job's trouble, I find it a hopeful book. He ranted and raved at God -- and God took it. I am glad that our God is big enough to handle our anger.

Much love to you all. Boothe, I hope your surgical pain eases with medication and time. I'll pray for that as well. (And take your pain medication faithfully. It WILL help you heal physically faster. I know your physical healing may be the least of your concerns now, but it is important -- for you, Conor, Copeland, and Sellers.)

Keep breathing.

I'll keep praying.

Rebecca

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I have never met you, but have stumbled across your precious family through others' blogs. I have been following your family the past week and my husband and I have been praying so fiercly for you all. I was another person, awake last night, and I knew I was supposed to pray for ya'll. When I got out of bed and read all that you had posted, I just wept. Wept at your pain, and at how the holy spirit moves in the hearts of believers. I certainly have no words for you - I just wanted you to know that my mama's heart absolutely aches for you and your family. I am praying for all today (especially your sweet Sellers) - praying that you can rest in Him. I have no idea how that looks, but I know he is SO pleased with you! Rest in that.
Praying that the peace of God which transcends all understanding will gaurd your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Lisa in Texas

Natalie McGough said...

I don't know if we've ever met, but I know you through Shannon Vansant. I just want you to know that I have been praying for you each day. I know that you and Conor are hurting so much, I can't even begin to imagine. I live in Vermont right now and a lot of my friends here are not believers, I just wanted you to know that I have shared your situation with several of them, sharing your faith in the Lord. I don't know if they can fully grasp that concept, to trust in the Lord, but I know that the Lord has used this to prick at their hearts. Little Copeland has been used in such a big way, probably more than I have been used in my life so far. I pray that you have a peaceful day.
Love,
Natalie (Ross) McGough

Jason White Family said...

I have shared your story with other teachers where I work. We are praying that you feel peace that only God gave provide. Your daughter's story is changing so many lives here in Memphis.

Stevenson gang said...

My heart breaks as I envision you laying with your sweet baby, ready to let her go to God as you weep and pray over her. I can't imagine your exhaustion, frustration, confusion and pain. But God is big enough to take it all --so as the day goes on all we can do is continue to lift you all up to Him.
Praying in Downers Grove Illinois

the brown's said...

oh, we are absolutely praying...

Anonymous said...

Dear ones,
There is no doubt that the stress in every area of life, but right now, the lack of physical rest places you two on the "brink". If someone can keep a close eye on Copeland, please get away to a room where you can close your eyes (and mind) and choose to drift into deep sleep. Your folks, or whomever, can waken you IF you are needed. Through the years that I've helped new mothers which are "cross-eyed weary, I've told them to leave the baby with me and go into the other room and "crash". That IS the most spiritual thing I can do at that moment for them, in my estimation.

I even pray for your close friends/family who do live close to you, to have wisdom and attentative hearts to know how they can help you best.

Praying for God to move on your behalf.
The Cones

Sue said...

I've started to write several comments, but they are all too inadequate. I'm keeping your blog open on my computer and praying...

Anonymous said...

You do not know me, but my good friend Kristin Horling sent me an email about your struggle right now. What an inspiration you and your sweet family are. You are in my prayers.

Rachel Dahl
Minneapolis

Anonymous said...

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Tracy Carson said...

You don't know me, (I know the Platts and that is how I found your blog) but I have been captivated by your authenticity in sharing your journey with the world. The rawness of what you are expereincing is beyond anything that this world calls authentic. Thank you for laying yourselves before us so that we can be encouraged, challenged, and blessed. This of course was probably not your intention, but it is amazing what the Lord is doing through your story. May you see the Lord in each moment today.

Mary Alice said...

Oh, Boothe. God IS bigger than all of your anger - and He wants you to cry out to him! I am so thankful that you are not afraid to share the full range of your emotions with Him.

You are being lifted up all day today and I will continue to pray for peace, in whatever form God chooses to provide it.

I ove you and am so blessed by you.

whitney burrough akin said...

Keep giving it to Him. He can handle it. He loves you so! I love you too. Praying for your day today and that He would somehow in all of this increase your faith and make Himself known to you in a mighty way.

Carla Bjork said...

Boothe, Conor, and Sellers, I don't know you but do know part of your family. My heart aches for you as you go through this. I found this verse this morning and thought this said more than I ever could. "Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children." Lamentations 2:19

We are praying for you.

Molly said...

Boothe, you may not remember me but we went to Oak Hill together. Conor, I remember you from CPC Alliance days. I can't claim to have ever experienced anything close to what you are experiencing. I have not had to trust in God and His perfect plan on the level that you are having to do right now. Even so, I can claim this scripture from Romans 8 for you. Even in your anger, when you may find it too difficult to pray, rest in the passage you yourself quoted: that NOTHING can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Also, know that Christ himself is pleading his wounds to the Father this very moment on your behalf.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Also, yesterday in church we sang "How Firm a Foundation." I thought of you and another friend whose week-old son is struggling for his life right now here in Memphis. Here is the last verse...

That soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, I will not I will not desert to its foes.
That soul though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never no never no never forsake!

The Lord has already used Copeland to draw many more to himself in her short life than he may ever use me! Also, in a short time she will know more fullness and joy in a moments time than we can dream of knowing in our whole lives on this side of heaven!

Much Love,

Molly (Martin) Witherington

Laurel Wreath said...

Praying for you, God takes you right where you are you don't need to be someone else, feel anything else, or say anything else...God meets you right where you are.

Praying for your comfort and peace for both of you, and praying for comfort for Copeland.

Blessings from Florida.

Anonymous said...

I don't even have the words, just tears. I continue to pray for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm Praying for your sanity and emotionaland physical wellbeing as you endure this most difficult time. You are an Amazing child of God and your words are inspirational even in this time of despair. Copeland has touched so many lives, and through your words, she will continue to touch so many hearts. Still praying for you and sweet Copeland in Alabama.

Beth said...

we surround you . . . our tears flow with yours . . .
god is near the broken-hearted, his mercies never end.
My love,
Beth Williamson

Embracing my cup said...

Know that this small town stay-at-home mom is praying for you all throughout the day as God brings you to mind. You are being lifted up, sweet Boothe, you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Your strength is absolutely amazing! You have touched my heart in so many ways. I cannot stop thinking about your sweet family and everything you are facing right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers continually. May the Lord bless you and keep you..

Laurin said...

"The Mighty One, God, the Lord! The Mighty One, God, the Lord! He knows!..." Joshua 22: 22
He surely knows the number of sweet Copeland's days, hours, minutes, and seconds! Still praying...

Laurin in Memphis

kristin and matt said...

we are in awe of what He is doing through y'all...still praying.

Bugzmommy said...

Prayers and love from Texas. I spent last night up with a sick child and as tired as I was this morning, I woke needing to see how Copeland was, as you all were on my mind.

Fiercely praying for you all...

Lori said...

I am sitting here reading Psalms and am praying for all of you.

God bless!

Marie Lanathoua said...

God knows your heart, your pain, your fears, if you feel your not praying you are, your words are prayers, your faith is felt in your words and your tears Boothe, we are all praying for you. You are in my thoughts through out my day, I ask my friends to pray for you, your complete blog is a prayer, a prayer of faith, you have touched so many. Only love from Southern California. Many kisses to Sellers and Copeland.

McKenzie said...

I have found your blog from some friends of mine that are friends of yours... and find myself wanting to know how your family is constantly. I have read and feel that I know you. I am praying the Lord's will in your life. I am praying that you and Conor have peace. Thank you for being such a beautiful inspiration of true faith in this trying time.

I will pray for strength..

Suzy Goodman said...

Nothing we can feel or think can surprise our Lord. He understands so feel and express and know that you are loved through it all.

Anonymous said...

Praying the Lord's peace, and strength for you every moment today. It is so incredibly hard and painful to have your heart torn as you watch a loved one struggle in the place between life here and eternal life.
Your dear little Copeland has had her tiny life blessed by loving, attentive, praying, caring parents.
When I worked in the nursery, I saw that so many dying babies are abandoned in the nursery by moms who are so consumed with their own issues that they cannot/will not stand guard over their child as it struggles. But you are shinning examples of love that goes the limit, caring and being present no matter the depth of your own anguish.
And I know from personal experience that God is not offended by our questioning and anger--which comes out of fear, and helplessness. He remembers that we were created from dust, and are limited earthly creatures. We do not have His understanding of the "why" and "what" of the things we go through.
This little life is being used in ways you cannot imagine to bring glory to God--and to teach your family compassion for others who walk a similar road. Thank you for openly sharing your breaking hearts. You give us reminders that we are not here on earth forever, but are all on our journey to eternity. Our suffering is a temporary stepping stone, used of the Lord to draw us to Himself.
Hugs to you, precious parents.
Judy

Pam said...

Please don't question your anger...the Lord longs for His children to come to Him with passionate and honest emotions. Jesus is weeping with you and is certainly feeling your pain...pain that I am convinced is no less agonizing than the pain of the cross.
And, He was completely "proud" of you, dear sister , before the beginning of time...He isn't concerned about you "making" Him proud or pleased. Don't hide your heart...He knows it better than you do.

My tears, my prayers, my sadness, are with you today.

Anonymous said...

Dear Boothe, Conor, Sellers, and Copeland,

Another day, and another emotional roller coaster for you and your dear family. Oh, how our hearts go out to you. You are trying so hard to trust the One Who is in control of all of this; you're trying to handle this "perfectly;" and yet your fragile emotions sometimes lead you to say and do things that you feel can't possibly be "right." Two things come to my mind as I pray for you.

First of all, remember King David: In spite of some of the things he did, nevertheless, he was described as a man after the LORD's own heart (1 Sam. 13:14). Even though he did some really terrible things, nevertheless, the LORD knew his heart. When David missed it, he always repented. That's the key. We can't possibly be "perfect," since there is only One who is perfect. But we can repent when we miss it, no matter how badly we miss it. The LORD knows your hearts, and He alone knows the depths of your agony. He doesn't expect you to go through this "without making any mistakes." He knows that's impossible. He just wants you to trust Him moment by moment, and keep short accounts with Him. Your candor and openness are so precious, so try not to be too hard on yourselves. What you're dealing with is difficult beyond description.

Second, He promises to cause ALL THINGS to work together for your good, because you love Him (Rom. 8:28). I know you've probably thought of this verse many times during this difficult season, but it's true, nonetheless. You may not see how this could possibly come to pass, but it will. He will not waste one single aspect of this experience you're going through, and He will indeed cause good to come of it.

Though you may never understand why this has happened, I pray that it will draw you and your family even closer to Him and to each other. As you hold your precious Copeland, remember that He is holding you all, as well. He cares for you beyond your ability to comprehend.

I'll close with two passages that I know you're familiar with:

1Pet. 5:6-9 ¶ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

Phil. 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

You remain in our thoughts and prayers,

With love, Rosemary & Jack

Anonymous said...

Atlanta, Ga is praying...

Anonymous said...

Praying that God will have His way-
Randi

Anonymous said...

When my husband went through a catastrophic illness and our daughter was only 14 months old, I raged at God, too. It was in my heart, and He knew it was, whether I spoke to Him about it or not. But only in telling Him honestly how I felt could He heal my pain.

When Copeland's life has taught all it can, He will take her home. And then we will all learn from her passing.

Let others help if they offer. Most people want to be of service, just as you would if they were in your shoes, only they don't know what to do. Let them make meals, let them take Sellers to the park, let them come watch Copeland while you take a nap, let them go to the grocery store or post office or whatever for you.

Then you can take care of each other and your daughters without distraction, and without compromising your own health. Your own immune systems are probably low right now, and you don't need to deal with colds or gastric upsets. Satan can attack us with fatigue and illness, just as he can attack WHEN we are tired and sick--anything to undermine our relationships with God and those we love.

Make yourselves get rest so you can resist Satan's efforts.

Praying for you.....

Anonymous said...

Be honest with God. Do not hold back. He knows anyway. Cry out to him. Scream if you have to. He will never, never, never leave or forsake you. He wants the truth from you. He is holding you in his arms, carrying you through this incredibly difficult time. He WILL give you what you need.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you in Lynchburg, VA

{Karla} said...

The Lord knows your heart Boothe. He knows what you are battling and the fight going on around.

Rest in the assurance that no matter how uncertain it all appears or how distant He seems, you are in His hands.

Continuing to pray.

Blessings,
Karla

Cathy Brown said...

God's timing is always perfect . . . even when He's four days late . . . He gave you the feelings you have right now, He knew you'd have them even before you did . . . tell Him how you feel and you'll feel His arms around you.

Anonymous said...

You and your loved ones are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Praying in Rome, Georgia

Anonymous said...

Remember that scripture is the living, breathing word of God. Quote it, repeatedly if need be, when you feel attacked. Even if its just a phrase "Nothing will separate us from the Love of God"

- Jennifer in Memphis

Jenny said...

sweet farley family,
i've been checking your blog every few hours since copeland was born and each time i get teary-eyed. i'm hurting with you and also rejoicing for the time you've gotten to spend with her. i'm praying constantly..
love you, jenny watkins

Karen said...

There is nothing I cannot say that has not already been said. Just know that this is not God's final plan and only when we step into eternity ourselves will we begin to see more clearly. My love and prayers are with you and your family - from one mama and sister in Christ to another - I'm praying for you in earnest.

David Crandall said...

Kaylane came downstairs Thursday to find me weeping in our front room for your family. I couldn't even talk to tell her that I had tried to pray for you but felt so inadequate; I found myself angry at God on your behalf and confused about what I could possibly say. After a few minutes, I told her that aside from her or my family, that I've prayed for you and your family more than I have for anyone else in my entire Christian life.

In church yesterday, I started crying again during one of the songs. It made me think of you. I'm sure you've heard it:
"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed by Your name"

Your anger does not dishonor the Father. You are absolutely correct that he can handle it.

Kaylane and I are literally praying for you throughout the day every day. We love you. I'm sorry for not knowing what to say.

Gina said...

We pray that you have peace in your hearts and home on the big day.

Keep the faith.

Anonymous said...

Boothe...
I admit I have felt anger towards God from the moment you told me about Copeland for you. We do not "get" sometimes why He does stuff but He wants us to show Him our feelings no matter what and I know He wants you to show Him your anger if that is how you feel. You must be exhausted and we are praying for your strength and Conors too. The enemy would like nothing more than to get to you but He is stronger. I pray He gets you through the day breath by breath and reminds you He has given you each one as He has given Copeland each one. Loving you all today...

D'Arcy

Anonymous said...

Psalm 34:3-8
"Come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with JOY, no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him and he rescues them. Taste and see that the Lord is good, Oh, the joys of those who trust in Him."
Our family is continually lifting your us up to the Father. Thank you for sharing your heart, you are loved and lifted up today!
-jamie

jtcosby said...

I don't know what to say other than I am praying and praying. I don't think I could even begin to pray for specifics...so I will just pray God's will be done...and that you feel the love of Christ even through your anger (VERY WARRANTED AND NO, IT WOULDN'T MAKE ALL CHRISTIANS BALK...) Love, from the Boro, Tamara

courtney said...

From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. God knows your heart and He knows the pain and frustration you are feeling. We are praying for peace and rest in the midst of all you are experiencing. May the Father's presence be real and all encompassing with every single breath -

Courtney

LWB said...

I cannot imagine the emotional rollercoaster you are on right now - I wish somehow we could help lessen the burden. I agree with everything that has been written - God can handle your anger and all the emotions - so continue to hash it out with Him. He is the only one who know exactly what you are going through and feeling.
"Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit." - Ps. 147:5

Thinking of you and praying for strength and comfort every minute of today.
Laurie Wunder Bolden

Jes said...

I am praying for you in ways I've never prayed for people before. I just got to your blog through Shannon and Rocks in my dryer, unaware of what was going on I had to start from the beginning of your blogging to be filled in. The tears and prayers have flowed hand in hand as I sat here and read your posts.
I will continue to pray for God's will to be done in Copeland's life. She is teaching us amazing lessons, and I'm sure she's teaching you even more.
I understand the anger, It's easy to get angry when you don't understand. I had a molar pregnancy in June and suffered with a bit of anger myself. I know God has plans for everything I just wish He'd tell us the final result before we had to go through the pain. I guess that wouldn't be faith though huh?
My prayers and love are with you. please give your precious daughter a hug for me.
~Jes

Missy said...

I am praying for you and your precious family. I am in awe of how you are able to strip away the facade of "being okay" and laying it out there for God (and all of us) to see. We are lifting Copeland and your family up from all over the world.

You don't know me - I am one of many who have been led here on your journey - but I feel so blessed to be able to pray for you and I feel honored to meet Copeland. Her influence in her days-old life is one that reaches beyond what so many people do in a lifetime of 100 years. God is doing amazing things with you and your little girl, and He is so proud of you for allowing His will to be done.

~Missy

Anonymous said...

You don't know us - we're friends of Eric Cone's fiancee's family and heard about your story through them. Since Thursday, we have read your blog, cried with you, and prayed for you as you have updated the journey of Copeland's life. Our family has been through the greatest pain so far in our lives in the last several months and have had all the questions that you do about God and His will. I believe He wants us to encourage you with the truth that He is bigger than you've ever known Him to be and yet in that bigness, is holding you together through the cross of Christ in every way. The only thing we CAN pray is, "Not my will, but Yours" and I am here to tell you that He is faithful and will NEVER leave you. Your precious little one's life has been a testimony of God and His grace and mercy. He will uphold you and your family in whatever He brings your way.

Anonymous said...

Dear Boothe, we are all real people and we certainly has a real God. Praise God for giving you the courage to be transparent and true. Love and forgive. Isn't that what He does best?
Prayerfully for sweet Copeland and your family,
Phemie

Anonymous said...

I am praying for your precious family - for God's will and for peace you. Your story and struggle has touched so many - look at what's Copeland is accomplising in her short life - this story is crossing oceans, timezones and denominations. I believe her life and yours will have an eternal impact for many days to come. You are in the lion's den and we are all praying for you.

Dawn - Troy, Alabama

Anonymous said...

conor & boothe -
this is alexis's friend amanda. i've been keeping up with you through alexis and your blog, and i just wanted to let you know that i join the chorus of people who are thinking of you & praying for your sweet family. jesus is faithful to you and to little copeland, and i just know that he is with her in every breath. thank you for sharing your joys and sorrows with us. copeland's life has blessed so many; i know you are very proud of your little girls.
love,
amanda

Julie said...

praying for you... Don't know what to pray, just praying.
Julie in VA

Rachel said...

One of my favorite songs is "My Life is in Your Hands"

You don't have to worry, and don't you be afraid. Joy comes in the morning, and troubles they don't last always. Remember there's a friend named Jesus who will wipe your tears away, and when your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say, "Oh I know that I can make it, I know that I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands."

My prayer is that you will rest in the very able and comforting hands of our sweet Lord Jesus, and that , "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." This is what he has promised to do! I pray that you will find REFUGE in Him today!

Rachel in Memphis

Katie and Dan said...

Boothe,
As I was studying Romans and lifting you guys up, I came across these passages and the Holy Spirit laid it on my heart to share them with you:
_____________
Romans 8:25-27
...If we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure.

So, too, the Holy Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and PLEADS on our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance.

And He who searches the hearts of men knows what is in the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercededs and pleads before God in behalf of the Saints according to and in harmony with God's will.
______________


You have been sooo good to ask us each to pray for specific prayer requests and the needs of your heart. I just wanted to remind you guys today that the Holy Spirit has been taking those prayers and doing MIGHTY things in His intercession for all of us Saints. You are so precious in God's eyes and in the eyes of the people Copeland's story has touched. Today, rest in the knowledge that we are ALLLLL interceding on your behalf and picking up the prayers where you feel you cannot continue to carry. Copeland will rest in the Lord's mighty arms - she already is. I hope you and Conor can do the same and know how hard the Saints with the power of the Holy Spirit are interceding on your family's behalf.

We love you.

Katie and Dan

Anonymous said...

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
- Phillipians 4:7

Nikki said...

Praying for you in Mississippi.

Tara said...

Oh I'm so sad for you as you watch your little girl pass from life to eternal life. I cannot imagine. I am covering you and your family in prayers for peace that goes beyond understanding. Take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, eat because you know you have to not because you want to. Rest as much as you can and know that Copeland's life has inspired me to hug and appreciate my own children just a little bit more this past week. You and your husband are the best parents for Copeland that you know how to be.

Shannon said...

Your faith and strength amaze me! Every time I read what you have written I am encouraged in my walk with the Lord, and I can only hope and pray that I can love my child with the love you have shown yours. You are an incredible mother and wife. We have been lifting your requests before His throne. I am doing a study on the Beatitudes and I keep thinking of your family. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5. " I will turn their mourning into joy, I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13 "No one ever said that they learned their deepest lessons of life, or had their sweetest encounters with God, on the sunny days. People go deep with God when the drought comes. That is the way God designed it." Copeland has already had an amazing and beautiful impact on my family's life, and I know so many more. Thank you for sharing her with us! Praying hard for God's will and perfect timing even when it's so hard for us to understand.

Sallie said...

Praying for you in Birmingham, AL

Susan said...

Praying for you all.

Anonymous said...

You are enduring the dark night of the cross that our saviour endured when he said "my God, my God why have you forsaken me." Some things will always be a mystery. Feel all that you feel deeply. You are loved and prayed for.

Anonymous said...

I pray that in the midst of the prayers you feel you have run out of, you will know that we are praying for you. Also, that the Lord would truly open your eyes to the works of his hands, that you would see the small mercies that are so often looked over, and know that those mercies are real.

Lacey said...

My heart aches for you.

Sometimes, when all the ground around us is literally falling away except what's under our 2 feet, we have to STAND STILL. Just wait. And let God move.

Praying, praying, praying.

Lacey - AL

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conor,
I think it's only natural to get angry, it is your child. Please remember this was all part of a greater plan. It's very hard to "live" the unknown, but you have taught us all SO much. Copeland will be remembered forever by each and everyone of us, and she has taught/reminded us of so much. Hang in there, we are all praying!

Emma said...

Praying, Praying, PRAYING! I am astounded by your faith and your strength and humbled to have had the opportunity to meet you through your blog.

MFL said...

praying the Lord would encourage you today and you would be able to rest knowing that Jesus has Copeland in His Hands...much love,
Mary Faith

Lindsay said...

I'll be praying out loud and fervently that Satan has no place in your home and heart, that the Lord and His angels walk the halls of your house, that you can choose to trust Him in each fearful, angry moment that you have. My heart aches for you.

mary craig said...

oh my goodness I am in awe of your sweet and beautiful spirit...praise God that you are able to turn to Him even in anger and sadness. I love you both, have always admired you and your love, and hope you know that you are being prayed for all over the world. That is powerful and real.
mary craig

Anonymous said...

Amen to that! God can definitely handle it. And I pray that I can have as honest of a relationship with my Father as you are both having right now.
~Emily (Los Angeles, CA)

Kelli said...

I struggled with similar emotions in the last days of my daddy's life before he was released to heaven.

Please know we are praying for peace, rest and God's will.

JMom said...

Praying that the HS will interced on your behalf for all of us who have no idea what to pray but "Your Will be done, Lord."

Anonymous said...

This is very difficult to write, but I must tell you in a very real way what your unfolding story has stirred in my heart. Many years ago I chose to end two pregnancies. One just wasn't "convenient" as I was young, unmarried and without emotional support from anyone. The other, 15 years later because I was again, alone, and felt unable to cope. And then I met Christ. I have confessed before God and have been forgiven. But reading your story has helped me to realize that my actions were not only misguided, but I missed the opportunity of a lifetime to be a mother and lean into the arms of God like you are doing now. Where else can one go when in the depths of despair but deep into the arms of God? Thank you for walking through this storm and being living, breathing proof that He is bigger than our deepest heartache, and made perfect in our weakness. I will never forget you and your courageous dedication as a mother willing to walk through fire for her child. God bless you.

Katrina said...

Praying for you all...

Elizabeth F. said...

I just heard of your family's story. I will be praying for you guys.

Anonymous said...

When I read Romans 8:26 today I thought of you... "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Anonymous said...

Still praying.
mary t. miller

Nikki said...

I am somewhat new to your journey but have cried and prayed for you since first reading through your story. I also spent last night in the wee hours praying for each of you. Your family has already had a huge impact on my life and family. I am the good everyday Christian you described as yourself at the beginning of your blog. Your walk and the way I have watched the Lord's grace and mercy unfold in your life through these past few months has convicted my heart in so many ways. I am crying out for continued grace and mercy as you continue on in this incomprehensible journey that you walk. I am crying out to the Lord on your behalf along with thousands of others following your precious life and the life of your entire family. May Jesus comfort you in every way and hold you closely to Him through these days.

The O'Donnells said...

Farleys,

I have found your site through the Akins and have followed your story for the last few months. I am praying for you and cannot seem to keep you off my mind! God is big and I have no words to say to possibly imagine what you're going through! I can't pretend that I do! But i will echo the words of others...God is on his throne! He has not left you and has not forgotten where you are and what you're going through. He's not napping, at lunch or on a coffee break...he is sovereign...and he hears you and sees your unbelievable faithfulness! may he bless you more than you could imagine and may HIS peace truely pass all understanding!

Lifting you up,

Jennifer

Cindy Z. said...

As Grandy has always said,
"I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future."

I know you all are exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Try to rest in knowing that so many are praying for you, lay back in the hammock of our love and prayers and just keep on loving Copeland. I love you all, Aunt Cindy

VickyValle said...

Your family's story has humbled me in a way I could never have imagined. I find myself in awe of your strength and faith, and it has compelled me to make every day count to the fullest. My boys and I pray for you all, and we send you great love and admiration. May Copeland see His face soon.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Boothe and Conor,
I believe that God must have been very angry when his precious son had to die an agonizing death. The earth shook and darkness fell...He understands. Satan quakes.
We love you,
Pat and Betsy

Rachelle said...

Your faith and trust in the Lord, is amazing!!!! May God give you all some kind of peace soon. Praying in Nebraska.

Amber said...

praying for peace...in every way

Daffodil Hill said...

Praying for God's peace to fill your hearts. I lost a child, too. {{Hugs}}

Britmum said...

Oh I feel for you both so much. Its a tough road that you both have to travel for awhile. May God walk that road with you.

We lost our daughter 7 years ago and I remember like it was yesterday telling her big brother that his baby sister had died. Children are very accepting and positive. He cried but he constantly reminded me in my hours of dispair that Annabel was with Jesus.

I will pray for you and your family.

Hugs xxx

Catherine

Adriane said...

Just as someone wrote before me, I think of David, "man after God's OWN heart" and the voiced anger he often spoke. I love your transparency and your strength. What a testimony you are to all, Boothe! I have been praying for y'all all day and will continue to do so. He will carry you through!

Cathy said...

Your faithfulness is so awesome and amazing.I have been where you are and believed to do the comfort care thing was the answer and God's Will. If God wants Copeland to be in Heaven he will take her no matter what interventions you use. Being a mom of a T18 baby that is still with us on this earth, i am praying that you would consider a little oxygen, pulse ox machine (very tiny and easy to use) and maybe apnea monitor. i slept 8mths. besides Annabel because no one suggested apnea monitor for us. many nights i woke to her not breathing and would jossel and pick her up. i know about the choice you made with comfort care but there is more things to make her comfortable but not invasive. I love reading about this Angel but I struggle knowing there are a few more easy things that would help her and God still can call her home at anytime. If he chooses not to for awhile your blessing will be a millon fold.I always knew there was a God and I hope when he wraps Annabel in those strong safe arms that I will let her go. As I put her to sleep last night, praying thru her to Jesus for Copeland, her little music box played something with the verse "Better is One Day In Your House, Bettter is One Day In Your House, Than a Thousand Elsewhere. I so believe that but maybe Copeland could have a Thousand with you before Heaven. i don't want to cause you any pain or anguish, I have been there right where you are, and I wish someone would have told me maybe something could have been easier.
Cathy

Lacey said...

Just wanted to share...

"The God who spoke still speaks...
The God who came still comes.

He comes into your world.
He comes to do what you can't."

-Max Lucado


Lacey - AL

Luluriahmom said...

praying for you all.

Anonymous said...

lynchburg va praying!

Tarah said...

God already knows if your mad at him or not so you might as well be honest. You're right he can handle it and it's ok to be mad at God. I think it helps the healing process. Still Praying.

Tarah Goodson

Anonymous said...

Hello, My name is Tage. You do not know me and nor I you. We may never officially meet but I don't believe in coincidences only "GOD-cidneces" and would like to speak blessings over you today.

You are a warrior for the Lord. You will rise up with a purpose beyond your imagination and expectations. Your heart is strong and will even be stronger. You have a purpose and WILL fulfill your destiny. The answers are on the way and the desires of your heart are true. Come to him with open arms and leave with lifted hearts. You are a blessing and will forever be placed in his kingdom. Your precious one is mine to love. He said....I have your hand in mine.

No ones words can make this different or change but the Lords plan is in place and only his words matter most. BE blessed this day and may you have peace and rest.

I would love to meet in life but just in case I will for sure see you in Heaven.

Be blessed Conor, Boothe, Sellers and Copeland Farley, Tage

Anonymous said...

Praying for peace and His will to be done. I am praying for strength and endurance and hope for Boothe and Conor. Remember that God wants us to bring our problems, our anger to him. It is when we take it elsewhere that we are not honoring Him. I pray that His arms of comfort surround you for however long this journey is, forever, really. May you have peace in your hearts and hope as well.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I can relate with the anger and questioning. I am so amazed still at your faithfulness and have recently prayed to be more like you and Conor in you ability to surrender all to Him. I am still praying for you all and know God is indeed in control, especially when we can not be. Know I am thinking of you and checking in to see how you are.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

Tiffany said...

I am so thankful that you have shared your journey and heart aches with us. I know nothing I say could ever comfort your hurts but I wanted you to know that I along with many have been lifting you and yours up in prayers! There is a loud anthem of prayers reaching God's ears for you and your sweet daughter Copeland. Thank you for the privilege to pray for you and your family!

Linds said...

I am praying here in England, for God's will to be done, and for peace for you both.

Meg said...

He can handle our feelings...ALL OF THEM! He knows our hearts anyway...may as well be honest about how we feel. I continue to lift you all up in prayer. In Him and because of Him, Meg in Virginia

Anonymous said...

We will never know the reasons behind what God is doing and why He is doing it. However, one thing you can already witness from this experience that God is giving you-is that your message no, HIS message is traveling through you to people all over the world. Maybe Copeland was given to you in this precious way to bring more people to Him through your very personal, heartfelt, honest blog posts. Keep praising Him and clinging to His name.

A Place For Ministry Wives said...

Forget the conservative christians. Experience your grief. Tell God everything. There's nothing you're feeling that he already doesn't know.

Praying...

Anonymous said...

Like others, I have been enjoying your pictures of Copeland and the entire family. As our baby, Veronique, was in her final stages, I resisted family entreaties to commemorate her life in pictures. I'm glad I was overruled. Every photograph is a testament to the brief life she lived and the love that will endure, generation to generation. With this in mind, I offer the following with the same love and tenderness that it was offered to us.

The non-profit, "Now I lay Me Down to Sleep" provides services to families facing infant bereavement. "For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives."

These professional photographers provide their services at no charge. They are compassionate and gifted in equal measure. And our photographs are beautiful.

To learn more and locate a photographer in Nashville (there are several) go to http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

God bless you all. ~ Giselle