Tuesday, September 4, 2007

two weeks to go...

I have nothing truly profound to write tonight, but I wanted to give everyone an update and to, again, let you know how we would long for you to pray.

We had our second-to-last doctor's visit today. While I approached it with some trepidation, there is a sweet calm in the season we walk in at this moment. My spirit is less at rest than it has been in the weeks before, but the reality of our day-to-day existence bears a sort of stillness that almost taunts the chaos that is sure to descend upon us in just a few days' time. All went well at the OB's: Copeland's heartrate is still very strong... she even placed a good kick against the Doppler wand while we listened, much to my suprise. She is quite restful these days, although I don't know if that's due to lack of room or simply exhaustion. I can only imagine that she grows weaker as time goes on, but with every appointment it's as if she's reminding us she's still here, not to give up on her.

Our prayers grow more and more specific as we walk down this road, mostly because as we approach the day of her arrival, our anticipation, worry, excitement and fear seem to exponentially grow. I have not asked you to pray for her lifespan before, and I don't really feel one hundred percent comfortable doing so now, but as many of you have asked me what Conor and I want, and what you can specifically approach the Father about, I will give you an honest answer. While I know some moms who've gone before me on this journey, the reality is that each of us experience it so differently. I hesitate to tell you what I, personally, most desire for Copeland's life only because I know we may not see that desire fulfilled - and because I so dread that being difficult for the other women who might have hoped differently than me. Having said that, I can tell you that Conor and I pray that Copeland might be able to breathe on her own when she is born so that our family and friends can meet her, hold her, get to experience her in whatever way we possibly can without too much medical intervention. We know what time in the NICU is like - Sellers spent a few days there, for obviously different reasons - and while it is a tremendous blessing to have such a resource, the restrictions that go with it are also fairly extensive. It would be quite difficult to spend much time with Copeland were she continually in the NICU. So please pray that she might be able to remain close to Conor and I as long as the Lord allows her to live. As many of you do know - and many of you, tenderly, have empathized with me - we are also praying that our time with her, while it is full and precious, will not be long enough to cause more heartache and agony than we might be able to process right now. I am fully aware that the longer we have her, the harder it will be to say goodbye. I am prayerful that Jesus will take her at precisely the right moment. That may sound strange: how is there ever a "right" time to let a child go? I know we will look back on this experience and our time with Copeland for years with a bit of an analytical lens and I pray when we consider the moment of her passing, we will be in agreement that, if we couldn't keep her, the Lord showed great tenderness in the time He chose to take her home.

I ask you to pray for my sense of self-worth. It is an odd request, I know, but I shared with Conor last night that as a young woman who has now had two miscarriages and will soon lose a baby, there is something excruciatingly humiliating about it all. I remember watching an episode of Oprah once where a woman talked about her inability to conceive. Her eyes welled with tears as she was asked what emotion she felt most prominently in the midst of her seeming infertility. "Shame," she wept. I can so acutely relate to this that I'm not sure I even feel totally right in telling it; I hope that that dear girl has since found a peace and a value that, whether children have come or not, she can rest in. I'm not sure why shame, embarassment - whatever you care to call it - is par for the course in these kinds of situations, or even if it is in most. But I can tell you that for me, I feel a great deal of defeat in the idea that after all of this time, I'm still facing the same sorrow I was two years ago. In much the same way that my husband longs to provide, to give Sellers and I a secure home and a sense of stability, I feel a deep and almost imperative need to have more children. It may be antiquated by much of the Western world's standards, but I unshakingly share it here with you because I believe there are many, many women who struggle silently with their sorrows over children longed for. The silence builds walls, creates the idea that you, and you alone, are unable to do what millions of women for millions of years have done, and thus you are constantly awash in a sense of failure. I believe this is one of Satan's greatest battles against our culture of late, and the only way to combat it is to call it by name and stand against it firmly. I want other women - young and old - to hear me when I say that I, too, feel like a "freak" at times... I, too, wish I could snap my fingers and "be normal"... I, too, struggle to understand why a second child hasn't come as easily as the first. It is our human nature - and perhaps the very karmic approach many of us have to Christianity these days - that leads us to question what we've done wrong, to analyze our decisions and choices, wondering what, if anything, we could've done differently to elicit the blessing from above we desperately ache for. Please pray for these broken hearts. Pray Satan will not be allowed to convince us we are failures... abnormal... insignificant... unworthy. I know that Jesus loves me, that He is proud of me, that nothing I've done wrong has placed me in this position. Pray I can embrace it every day with a renewed sense of worth in Him.

I am continually amazed and honored by your outpouring of love for Conor and I. Every day brings new cards in the mail, new e-mails, new phone calls. Even the posts on this blog astound us. While I may be unable to respond to each of you individually, I pray earnestly for you, believers and non-believers, the faith-filled and cynics, the naive and world-weary, the joyful and angst-ridden, that you might feel the Lord in your daily lives, that you might respond to Him, that somehow what we are going through with Copeland will produce eternal fruit that I am never even meant to know about.

It is with deep love and affection that I close tonight. May you be blessed.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I have been thinking about you and praying for you. Thank you for sharing your feelings as the time for Copeland's birth comes near. The month of September has always been special to me because of Trey,
but now we will have another birth to celebrate in September. We love you. Teresa

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I just wanted to let you know that the Lundy family is praying and thinking about you. As we were driving together over Labor Day weekend, we talked about you and Conor and how we wish we could do more than pray. But we know that prayer can be so powerful and amazing and we hope you can feel each one.
Much love and support,
Jessica

JUST A MOM said...

Boothe,

I will admit that I could only read half way down your post today.,,, My heart hurts for you and your family... Knowing the road ahead can only deal you even more hurt,pain,sorrow. I would only like to tell you that I think of you often to the Lord and ask hi to allow you to have just enough time with Copeland that will sooth your heart, yet not cause you more pain. God is good and He will my dear build you back to where HE intended you to be in His time.. You ARE the child He intended you to be and always hang onto that.


My God bless you and keep you in his hand ,, I have you in my HEART. ,

Jaye

lindsay said...

Boothe and Conor- I've been praying, thinking of you daily and I will continue to do so in the coming months!

Chels said...

Sis, when Austin and I called everything off, you told me something: You said "the Lord has not brought him into your life to hurt you" and the same truth is there with Copeland. He will give you the time with her that He knows you need. And we, your brothers and sisters in Christ, will be there to stand beside you through it all. As I read this blog I thought about the story of the Paralyzed man that his friends dropped Him in from the roof. What he desired was healing, but as he called out to Jesus for help, Jesus said "your sins are forgiven". When Jesus realized tha, to this man, that wasn't "enough" - Jesus followed by saying "you are healed. Stand, pick up your mat and walk away". For some reason, I am not praying that your time with her will be short b/c I still believe He can heal her. I still believe He is mighty, and although He might allow her to have a short life, my belief will not be shaken. He will use Copeland for His glory - and has so much already. Just like he healed that man, I believe He can heal my niece - your daughter - Selly's sister. He isn't bringing her into this world to hurt you. No matter the length of time. He can do mighty MIGHTY things and I believe He will. At the start of all this news, you cried and told us you needed us to stand in the gap for you - and I am. I'm praying the hard prayer today - the BIG prayer that asks for a miracle. The prayer that asks our Father who has healed the paralyzed, given the blind sight, brought people back from the dead - I'm praying the prayer that you dont have the strength to pray. I love you with all of my heart!

Anonymous said...

Booth,
We are Blessed, not only by the Lord, but also by YOU!! Thank You for sharing your most intimate thoughts with us. God chose you and Conor to be the amazing parents to precious Copeland and you both have shown nothing but courage and acceptance. You are far from a shame, you are REAL; you are a hero in my eyes, and I am sure in many others as well. Praying for you in Colorado.

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
The Sikes family will stand in the gap with you as well! God's plan is BIG and our prayers are BIG (as Chelsea states). His blessings will continue to shower on you as you walk thru this time. LOve you,denise

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
You are amazing!!! Your last posting is so inspiring! WOW!!! God has so much in store for you!! So many blessings! He loves you so much!! Your words and experiences during these hard months will inspire for ages to come! In the midst of all of this he has a plan and a purpose...He loves you...but also loves and adores Copeland! He has made and fashioned her perfectly! I don't know what his plan is for her but it is special! There isn't a moment that goes by that he isn't holding her! Thank you for sharing your journey on your blog! We are praying for you guys! Anna Berry

Kristy C said...

Boothe,
After having 4 years of infertility and 2 miscarriages, I have to agree with you. This is a silent epidemic, one that brings such shame, guilt, confusion, and strife. I join with you in this battle against Satan, and I will continue to believe for not only your self-worth but also for every other woman out there that understands that aching and longing all too well.

Anonymous said...

Conor, Boothe, Sellers and Copeland

Thank you for sharing your lives so openly. May God receive glory and honor in all of this.

I am asking for life for Copeland - abundant, rich, eternal - by our Father who is the Author of Life.

Peace and rest to you in the days ahead. You are not alone nor without help in your time of need.

Lisa Powell said...

Boothe,
I'm sitting here desperately searching for just the right words to say that could give you comfort. I realize though, I'm so incapable of doing a task that only God can do. There is a song by Bebo Norman called "Borrow Mine". I wish that for you. We love you, Lisa Powell

Melody Dallas, TX said...

I am lifting you and your sweet family up in prayer. I ask for ultimate healing for Copeland and I pray that you will "be anxious about nothing but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God that transcends understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

Anonymous said...

boothe,
i love you so much and am in awe of your strength. please know that i am standing in the gap for you--praying every day for a HUGE miracle. i believe that nothing is impossible for God! MOM

The Johnsons said...

We both stand...yet rest with you guys these days...as did the crippled man's friends did in Luke. After Jesus healed the man, Jesus said it was because of the great faith of his friends! May God, who is both rich and generous in mercy grant you the desires of your heart. We desperately pray that for you all these days!
Your friends, Dan & Sue

whitney burrough akin said...

i love you b! and i love your honest and strong heart. we are counting down along with you and not ceasing to pray for joy for the farleys. may He continue to use copeland and all of you to draw people to Himself. and may your joy be full this day, and two weeks from now, and so on.

He is in your midst and rejoicing over you and Conor and Selly and Copeland. May He quiet you with His love.

Can't wait to see you in a few days.

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conor,
Wayland and I are driving up the Maine coast and our hearts and prayers are with you all during this difficult time. Nancy H.

martha ann said...

Boothe, I think about you day and night and have been praying for you guys since Alicia informed me of your situation. Being a mother also I have been moved to my very core by trying to imagine what you have been thinking and feeling. I will pray even more as the time approaches and ask others to do the same. I am asking God for a miracle for the sweet life inside of you and I will also pray for peace for you and your family.

Matthew Holloway (dad) said...

Boothe and Conor,
just wanted to let you know my wife Cara and I are praying with you as well as the extended Holloway family.
love,
Matt, Cara, and Ellie Holloway

Anonymous said...

Precious Boothe,
O nce again as I read your heartfelt words and thoughts I am totally brought to my knees. You are so strong in the Lord, Boothe, even if you cannot recognize it now. I am certain the Lord will reveal it to you down the road. It is certainly the process as you stated, and in your process you have blessed me and no doubt many others with your strong conviction and your stand for our Lord. You continue to keep your eyes on Him as He requests all of His children to do. I am standing in the gap for you. I am praying when you cannot, I am believing in a Miracle for Copeland. I am knowing with convictions that the Lord is on His throne and He and He alone is in control of Copeland's life and yours. None of us know His reason, His timing, or His will, but we do know that His will be done in your situation because you live in His will and have prayed earnestly for His will to be done. I want desperately for His will to be that Copeland will be born healed so that all of us will be in total AWE of Him. That is how I have prayed from the beginning and continue to pray.
I will also pray during these next few weeks that He will carry you, give you peace, show Himself to you, that you can feel Him and His abundant Love for you, and that you and Conor will never take you eyes off Him. You have already glorified our Lord and I know He will bless you in ways that we cannot imagine right at this moment. Boothe, what an inspiration you are to me and wow, what faith you have. I love you and I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and take all this pain away. I cannot, of course, take this pain away, but I hope you can feel my fove for you and Conor.
Pam Sloan

Kaylane said...

David and I are standing in the gap!! We love you!!!

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
Thank you for taking the time to post....for telling us all how we can pray more specifically. There is so much my heart longs to say, but I will pour that heart out to our Father for you and Conor and Sellers and Copeland and ask him to intercede where my words are inadequate. We love you and are praying for you in these days.
keely

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I wanted to let you know that Copeland, you, Conor, and Sellers are in my prayers. I'm praying that God receives the glory through the next two weeks and Copeland's life. I will also pray for your sense of worth--that you will be defined by Christ and not what the world values. Know that you are an excellent mom and both of your girls have been richly blessed by you.
Emily

Myrtianne said...

Dear Boothe,
I thank Chelsea for her appeal to pray the BIG prayer. I am moved by her love for you, her sister, and also by her powerful testimony of faith. Because of her, I was directed to this blog and have been blessed by your inspired words.
In response, I stand in the gap and pray the Big Prayer along with Chelsea.
Love and prayers to each member of your family,
Myrtianne

Anonymous said...

cast your cares upon the Lord and he will sustain you ~psalm 55:22

the Lord has compassion on all he has made.
the Lord is loving towards all he has made.
~psalm 145:9&13

the Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. ~psalm 30:11

praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who DAILY bears our burdens! ~psalm 68:19

boothe, conor, sellers and copeland.....
our prayers will be with you more than ever in the days ahead. know that you are surrounded by many who count it a blessing to stand in the gap on your family's behalf before God's throne.

we love you, janie hemmings

Anonymous said...

Sweet Boothe,
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this, " I am secure in the knowledge that broken things become blessed things if I let Christ do the mending." We are all absolutely overpowered with the love of Christ that you have shared with each of us throughout these past months. And we are all absolutely secure in that what has been "broken" is now blessed and what is blessed will surely be "mended" on September 18th, a true miracle from God our Father! I love you, I love your spirit, I love your faith. Please know that your pain is carried in my heart.
Trish C.

natalie said...

Boothe,
I just want to apologize for the other day. When I saw you in the restaurant, all I wanted to do was give you a great big hug and tell you how much I'm praying for you and your family. Instead I avoided telling you, because I wanted to give You and Conor some space and talk about everyday stuff ( as if Copeland is not in the back of your mind every minute). But I can't tell you how much this little girl has already changed my life. God LOVES his children, and it amazes me how even before we are born, we are an influence on this world.
I read your blog everyday, and I feel like I'm holding my breath with you, hoping, waiting, praying....
I AM praying for healing, both physical and spiritual. He WILL prepare you a way, He WILL guide your steps, and He Will walk with you......
With much love and prayer,
Natalie

molly said...

Boothe,

I am committed to praying hard and I will stand in the gap with you! I am praying for the Lord to work and move in a mighty mighty way and for Him to give you a peace and comfort that passes all understanding. I cannot stop the tears as I read this blog. I love you all so so very much.


Molly

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I am praying for you and your family. I haven't talked to you in several weeks but have not forgotten you for one minute. I know how you are feeling and I am here if you need to talk. God has great plans for you, I just know it.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I have never met you or your family. I was forwarded an email from your sister by a friend. What a blessing to be surrounded by so many who love you and most importantly love and trust in the faithfulness of our Lord. Know I am lifitng you all in prayer during this time. May the Lord never cease to shower you with his mercy and grace! -Your Sister in the Body of Christ

Brandi said...

Boothe,
I am a friend of Angie's. I found a link to your site through hers. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family as I am praying for the Luces.

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
Just wanted to tell you that my entire ladies Bible class said a prayer for you and your family last night at Church. You are in my constant thoughts and prayers. Love, Allison O'Dell

Karen Howell said...

Dearest Boothe,
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."
Ephesians 3:20. We are praying for you thanking God for the things he has done, for the lessons he is teaching us, for the love that he is showing us through Copeland... Your precious baby girl that he created and designed for his special purposes. You are greatly loved by the Howell family.
Karen

Anonymous said...

We will be praying harder than ever for all of you. You are loved so much by so many people and I know that God has already used Copeland for His glory, and will continue too, no matter what the outcome. Love you,

Todd and Erin

Anonymous said...

Conor, Boothe, Sellers and Copeland,

You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Boothe,
I just spent the last hour reading an email from your sister as well as your blog. I was about to go to dinner and need to redo my makeup from crying out of our Jesus' compassion for you and your family. I want you to know that I believe in Jesus as our Savior and saw first hand Him work TRUE MIRACLES this summer in Kenya, Africa. I am praying for you...I am spreading the word in Auburn that we would be on our knees broken with compassion as your brothers and sisters holding you up to HIS heart beat when you can't climb in His lap yourselves. I am actually coming to Nashville this weekend and I will be thinking about you constantly while I am there. Let me know if there is anything I can do while I am home. He is not just looking down at you, He is IN this with you, walking along side you. Just like in Daniel, Jesus is literally in the fire with you. I am about to go to the college ministry that I attend here, about 1500 people, and we will be praying tonight.

all my love, ali tanner
615.300.6502
tanneam@auburn.edu

Anonymous said...

Boothe,Conor,Sellers,and Copeland...We wanted to let you know that you are all in our prayers and hearts! We are praying that God would continue to be glorified through your family and that His miraculous touch would bless your family! We love you!

love, Mandy

Anonymous said...

Hey Beautiful - You won't believe this but this is Cindy Heimermann, your piano teacher when you were little! I'm Cindy Boyer now. Rosemary is in my Thurs. morning ladies Bible study. My last memory of you was in a very frilly dress, trying not to throw up before your piano recital at Rita Rose's house because you were so nervous! I took you into the bathroom & prayed over you so you would calm down! I loved that time in my life & love you still, & your crazy sister who could not sit still!! We can never figure out the Lord because He's into BIG pictures, which just blows our minds. But you'll walk through this & grow stronger every step of the way no matter what happens. I'm so glad you have a husband who loves you. That's rare these days, believe me. I'll keep up with you through Rosemary & pray for miracles! Tell your parents hello! Love always, Cindy Boyer

Kate Yeager said...

Boothe,
I have been reading your blog since June and have started many times to leave a comment, but have not. You don't know me. I grew up with Chelsea in church at Christ Community and came across your website through her.
My heart truly aches from the pain that you are all feeling and I am rarely able to read a post without tears coming to my eyes. I am so amazed by your honesty and faith as you go through a pain I can't fathom. All of you are in my prayers, the only thing I could think to ask God for was peace. And that will be my continued prayer for all of you. That you and Conor, as parents to a little girl who has already touched many, many lives, will find comfort and peace in Copeland's life, albeit short, and know that because of her many people were able to come to know our Father better and for Sellers I pray that one day she will understand the impact her little sister had on this world, even though she may only have been in it for a short period of time. You are all in my prayers and I believe that God will give you the peace you desire in His perfect plan and His perfect timing.

Anonymous said...

Boothe and Conor,
Kyle and I are standing in the gap for you! Thank you for continuing to share your hearts with all of us and for letting us be a part of this time. We love you and are praying for you!
Courtney

Laurie said...

Boothe and Conor,
My prayers are specific for you as you so preciously requested in your post. As Copelands arrival is just around the corner, I pray that God grants you with every desire of your hearts right now, whatever they may be. I trust God to know exactly what you need in the days ahead and gives you the strength and courage to just breathe and be bathed in His peace. I ask Him to keep all anxious thoughts and fears of the unknown far from your hearts. Above all else, I am asking Him for another miracle. The first miracle has been created, Copeland. The second miracle I ask for is a complete healing for her, from head to toe. I just know our heavenly Father is a God of Miracles and I never cease to ask Him with all my heart for this first. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made by Him who does not make mistakes. You can trust Him in the unknown knowing how very impossible it seems. You have my heart in this time along with so many others hearts who post here. May He hold you extra close and gentle in this unknown time, one breath at a time.
~*~Love, Peace and unexplainable Joy to you both today and the days to come~*~ Laurel in Ca.

Kara Sheets said...

your precious family is in our daily thoughts and prayers. we serve a mysterious God...but a God who's love is impossible to measure. i hope you can feel his intense love and protection today.
- zach & kara

tfoss said...

Boothe,

You are in our prayers and thoughts so much! I pray for you, Conor, Sellers, your close friends and family and most of all Copeland. I pray that she may be strengthened in your womb - I pray that God may fortify your steps when the ground seems soft and that you FEEL and KNOW what a gem you are to HIM and all of us! You are working for HIM through your heartache. I know that isn't your mission, but the outworking of your words is tremendous. His glory is known more fully because of you. I pray that your friends and family may know what you need and when!! I pray that Copeland may fulfill your dreams for her and more. I'm praying for God to show up in HUGE ways for all of you and sweet Copeland! Bless You!!
love, Tiffany Foss

Erica Webster said...

Dear Conor and Boothe,
It is through very cloudy eyes that I attempt to write this...reading what you have written brings my own pain back so vividly. My heart aches for you all. We are still boldly praying that God will perform a miracle on Copeland's little body, and deliver her to you healthy and strong, ready for a full life. We pray that is his will...

I remember the strengh I found in James 1:2-4 "Condsider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I pray that if it is God's will to take Copeland home, that you have the perseverance..strengh..courage.. to try again for such an incredible blessing.

Boothe, you are an incredible mother, sister, wife, daughter and friend. We will continue to lift you up in prayer...We love you and you are in our thoughts.

Erica, Scot, Sophie and Sydney

Anonymous said...

Still praying............

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Boothe...
Wes and I are continually praying for you all. I have had Copeland's due date written in my daytimer and the day is coming soon but I pray for you and specifically for all you wrote about. How amazing it is to be able to go the Father and ask for EXACTLY what you need. You have been an inspiration to me and I will be lifting you to the Father these next days as we all watch to see what He will do through your precious baby girl. We love you...

D'Arcy Collins and family

gracie said...

I really appreciate your bravery in exploring your feelings openly here... you have increased my understanding of this kind of grief. The Bible has many references to barren or bereaved women and always with a deep compassion. The culture in those times would have heaped deep shame on barren women and I find it very profound that it is an emotion you are experiencing, even though society's demands on fertility have changed. These unspoken sufferings of women, God knows intimately... and though he sees the end from the beginning he still chooses to weep with us in our pain. Rachel (or Boothe)... weeping for her children. Comfort and peace to you.