the first 24 hours in the real world....

We've made it through our first night with Copeland. She had only a couple of her "blue spells" and, by the grace of God, we were able to handle them with relative ease. It's almost as though she is teaching us how best to care for her. These photos were taken shortly after we arrived at my parents' home. Sellers has taken to copying pretty much everything any of us does with her new baby sister - but with her dolly, Betsy. It's adorable.

My dad blessed all of his girls with beautiful sterling necklaces right before dinner. They are each hearts - Sellers and Copeland have the same and then I have a slightly different one. The emotion of knowing that we are all truly a family, and that sweet Copeland will always be a part of that, is amazing. Sellers was beside herself with hers and wants to wear it all the time. She felt so special.

Several of you have commented either on the blog or through e-mail about feeling a deep urge to pray that the Lord would give Conor and I wisdom about feeding Copeland. I wanted to include a photo of her eating - with a small bottle, nonetheless - so that you could see you for yourselves: she's doing it! When the nurse that came into our hospital room on Friday night at about 2 a.m. mentioned the possibility of giving her some formula, I later felt a strong urge from the Lord to breastfeed. I have resisted that idea from the day we learned of Copeland's condition, mainly because of the emotional tie I think breastfeeding can build between a mom and a child. I have wanted to guard my heart. But I did feel His prompting me and, upon sharing that with Conor, we decided I would use a pump and hopefully, if Copeland could successfully eat with a bottle or even a syringe (which has been a bit more fail-proof, as even though her sucking reflex is present it's weak) we would be able to feel like I was contributing in a special way to her life and that perhaps the Lord wanted me to go ahead and enjoy that bond with her while she is here. There is such a fine line in protecting oneself from emotionally-upheaving situations: the Bible says that we should "above all else" guard our hearts for they are the wellspring of life, but it also says the heart is deceitful. I pray for discernment, that the Lord would show me when I am making decisions out of haste and uncertainty, and when He is actually stirring in my spirit. I believe that night was one of the first examples of how He will guide me and give me what science might call instincts - but what we as believers can call movement by the Holy Spirit.

We are going on our first family outing today, maybe to the bookstore. In contrast to how I felt when we first learned of Copeland's diagnosis, I am aching for social interaction. Perhaps there's a part of me that longs to "show my girls off" together; perhaps I want to take Copeland to do and see as many things as we can while she's here so that each will be marked, in my memory, with her presence. There are so many emotions that I think a new mother of two feels, especially sadness knowing that the season with your first child alone is now over, but I waiver between sadness over that and sadness that, ultimately, we will go back to the three of us at some point. I want to soak up as much as I can with our foursome and simply live in the joy of that for today. In reality, none of us knows how long we have; it's a bit hilarious that with Copeland's diagnosis we actually feel like we can "plan" on something that is inevitable for all of us and yet can't really be pinned down. Please pray for time for all of us to bond, and for the time Conor and I can share as parents to our girls, that it will be blessed and truly annointed. Satan is definitely attacking as much as he can, and I know part of that attack includes overwhelming Conor and I enough to keep us 'shut down' in communication with each other, even if it's just as a result of lack of time to chat and look into each other's eyes. We will have to be diligent, for our girls' sakes, to make that time and make it special.

We love you all and are so blessed by the words you send. I sit in front of the computer quite often now and read your comments and e-mails and weep. The Scripture you send is incredibly uplifting. I need it. God's Word is truly living and active. It is the only thing upon which any of us can lean, for it will never fade or pass away. Many of you spoke words of encouragement regarding Copeland being ordained by God to be our daughter... that I was called from the beginning to be her mom, Conor her dad, Sellers her sister. You have no idea what that means, either. I'd forgotten it. Sometimes it's easy to feel like this was all random, despite my head-belief that God does pre-ordain things and has a plan. Thank you for reminding me that He's already designed me and my heart, as well as Conor's, to walk this path.